First Day of Filming: Set Report

[DaveC001]

Ron Moore, in a care package filled with BSG trinkets, Snickers bars, and naked passport photos of Milton James, sent me a plane ticket to Canada and a backstage pass so I could report on the first day of filming for the new, improved Battlestar Galactica.

The day began with big hugs for everyone from none other than Mr. Moore himself, who's spine started glowing as he embraced Edward James Olmos. Moore then took out a pair of hair clippers and shaved the veteran actor's head, much to everyone's surprise. "Hey, Eddie's an old guy," Moore chuckled as he held up hanks of Olmos' shorn locks. "Some of this is '70s hair!" Howls of derisive laughter ensued, especially when Moore ripped off Olmos' fake moustache.

Canadian teamsters started lathering shaving cream on Mary McDonnell, who protested that she didn't need her head shaved. Responding, the teamster boss said "What are you talking aboot? It's just sexy, ay?" Resigned to wallowing in foamy eroticism, McDonnell shrugged her shoulders and went back to reading medical journals about different diseases her character could get if the series is picked up. She couldn't decide if she wanted leprosy, shingles, or mange. "Do humans get mange?" McDonnell wondered aloud, to no one in particular. A dog barked.

Director Michael Rhymer began introducing everyone to the cast. "You all know Edward and Mary. I'd also like you to meet Katie and Jamie and the rest of the leads. And I'd also like you to get acquainted with this cardboard box on a wooden pallet who will be playing the role of Gaius Baltar." There was some grumbling about this choice of casting - the box wasn't SAG, after all - but the teamsters seemed to like it. "That box has range, ay?"

The cast also met Sheila Woodsbury, the chain-smoking 87-year-old actress who would be dubbing Number Six's lines over stock footage of Seven of Nine from ST:Voyager. I extended my hand to her in greeting, to which she barked "I already told Eick that I won't do hand jobs." Recoiling in fear, I went for a tour of the sets.

The bridge of the Galactica was especially impressive, considering the fact that it was an actual bridge - over the Canuckie River. I came to understand that much of the set dressing, such as walls, would be CGI generated in post production. "With the water in the background, we won't have to invest in blue screens," Rhymer explained. (He had loose bowels, but I tried not to notice.)

The first scene filmed was the "Boom Chug a Lugga Lugga Boom Boom Boom" Adama/Starbuck exchange on the Galactica deck. The scene took up the whole morning, since Olmos kept saying "BIM chugga lugga lugga" instead of BOOM as written. "Maybe it would help if I had a jog bra, too," he quipped. (Ron Moore helpfully began to reach into his own shirt before a nearby crew member assured him that Olmos was joking.)

After lunch, Rhymer decided to film all the scenes with the original, tin-plated Cylons in them. Forty-three seconds later, they began filming the Paul Tigh/Kara Thrace poker game. They had to stop when the actor in a bumblebee suit playing Paul Tigh kept saying "Football! You bet!" ("Asking that guy to actually be drunk for this scene is taking method acting too far," Rhymer mumbled as he broke wind yet again. Paint started peeling off the walls.)

The day ended as Ron Moore burned Jack Stauffer in effigy and gave Michael Rhymer a root beer enema. No word on what's happning this morning, but I don't think they'll be drinking much A&W on the set today, if you know what I mean.

[DaveC001]

This was just deleted from the SciFi board!

Man, they're getting touchy over there!

[AlternityOrange]

They were probably upset that you leaked the Gaius Baltar cardboard box casting info. They were holding that for their next big announcement. Good work btw!

[Sci-Fi]

Your post was rightfully deleted, oh Moist One. It was humorless propoganda, just like everything you post. Languatron was right. He said you were an evil-doer planting subliminal anti-Galactica messages in your posts, and nothing I've seen has proven him wrong. You, sir, are an embarrassment to voltage everywhere.

[DaveC001]

Correction: UNWANTED voltage. With billy-clubbed, amphetamine-laden Neanderthals.

[repcisg]

Nah, it was your comments about Rhymer's personal problems.

[Sci-Fi]

You're mixing your metaphors. Amphetimines and cavemen go together as well as the adjectives "horny" and "mechanical."

[Archangel]

As a Canadian, I feel the need to point out that your 'ay' is actually spelled EH! Better luck next time :p