Jokes

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:36 PM

What happened to the War of the Sexes thread?

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:38 PM

One day, while a retired gentleman was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river._ When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The man replied that his axe had fallen into the water._ The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked._

The man replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked._

Again, the man replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe._

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The retired gentleman replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the man went home happily._

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the retired gentleman's wife fell into the river._ When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife, Karen has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez, as
beautiful as ever._

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked._

Without a doubt, "Yes, my Lord" cried the man.

The Lord was furious._ "You cheat!_ That is an untruth!"

The man replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord._ It is a misunderstanding._ You
see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Hallie Berry._
Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I
will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me._ But Lord, I am a
poor man, on a fixed income and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."

The moral of the story is: WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND USEFUL REASON............!!!!!

Amen
******************************************************

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:42 PM

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar._ It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there
must be thousands of dollars there.

He approaches the bartender and asks him," What's up with the jar?"_ The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. The bartender says, "OK, here's what you have to do....
First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND you can't make a face while doing it.__
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands._
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

The man responds," Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,
I can't do all that... it's impossible!"_ "Well, you asked, and I told you...
those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."

Well, time goes on and the man drinks a few, then asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah? "_ He grabs the gallon! of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp._ Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.

Then he says, "Right, the dog's next?" He staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:45 PM

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,

the best golfer is a black guy,

the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

the Swiss hold the America's Cup,

France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,

Germany doesn't want to go to war,

and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"

_

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:46 PM

_

Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts

to greet the other in Farsi, the language of

their native country.

_

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously

and said,_ "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

_

ojai22 · April 13th, 2003, 02:49 PM

_

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in

the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes

them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

_

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes

flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

_

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left

home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we

drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for

myself."

_

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

_

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

_

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice

and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to

offer my condolences on your loss."

_

_

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he

laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my

wife and I joined a Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.. . .

_

_. . Hasn't affected my brothers though."

emerita · April 13th, 2003, 03:15 PM

I asked Titon and he said that ThomasG was thining things out and some threads might have been lost accidently.......

thomas7g · April 13th, 2003, 06:17 PM

I didn't delete any threads. When we moved, we switched to a newer version of this program. And well.... some things were lost in the transfer

Flamingo Girl · April 13th, 2003, 09:10 PM

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' giving him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows
(yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

bsg1fan1975 · April 14th, 2003, 08:16 PM

From information gathered by US Special Forces forays deep into Baghdad, we've been afforded a rare opportunity to glimpse a sample of the former television programming available to the Iraqi citizenry.

IRAQI TV GUIDE

Sunday
8:00pm - My 33 Sons
8:30pm - Osama Knows Best
9:00pm - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00pm - The Kabul Hillbillies

Monday
8:00pm - Husseinfeld
9:00pm - Mad About Everything
9:30pm - Monday Night Stoning
10:00pm - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30pm - Allah McBeal

Tuesday
8:00pm - Wheel of Terror
8:30pm - The Price is Right if Saddam says It's Right
9:00pm - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30pm - Saddam's Wackiest Public Executuion Bloopers

Wednesday
8:00pm - Beat the Press
8:30pm - When Kurds Attack
9:00pm - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30pm - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00pm - Veilwatch

Thursday
8:00pm - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30pm - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00pm - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30pm - Married with 139 Children
10:00pm - Eye for an Eye Witness News

Friday
8:00pm - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30pm - Who's Koran Is It, Anyway?
9:00pm - Teletalibans
9:30pm - Camel 54, Where Are you?

Saturday
8:00pm - Judge Jihad
8:30pm - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00pm - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30pm - Cave and Garden Television
10:00pm - No-Witness News

Flamingo Girl · April 14th, 2003, 10:23 PM

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway
when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it
instantly.

Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da
honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm,
his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in
the other.

"What appen to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and
their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur"
and I have just killed the pig."

bsg1fan1975 · April 15th, 2003, 05:14 AM

seen that one before but it was with a jacka$$.

emerita · April 16th, 2003, 10:07 AM

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan
went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and
comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"he
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned
ice
cream
truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

bsg1fan1975 · April 16th, 2003, 04:33 PM

lol ive heard that one too. except it was a 26 yr old widow and it was the fire truck that was responsible.

Hito · April 16th, 2003, 05:13 PM

5 new Med students were gathered around a table, looking at their first cadaver. The head Doctor spoke up, "I have 2 lessons to teach you today..the first is stoicism, which means to be professional at all times." With that, he took his finger, stuck it nearly all the way in the cadaver's butt, and licked it."Now all of you do the same," he said.The students looked at each other nervously, but did as the Doctor told them, each one poking and licking. "the second lesson is Observation." Said the Doc."I stuck in my index finger and licked my middle finger..NOW PAY ATTENTION!"

Flamingo Girl · April 16th, 2003, 08:04 PM

Ewwww.

bsg1fan1975 · April 18th, 2003, 05:02 AM

heres a cute one with a baby.

https://www.flowgo.com/refer/redir_ng...583&d=04-18-03

Flamingo Girl · April 19th, 2003, 09:27 PM

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be noneed for control top pantyhose. (An entire garment industry would be devastated.)

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: eat it in the parking lot.

Mary Sue Easter Eggs
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

emerita · April 22nd, 2003, 09:42 AM

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."

"In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Stevew · April 22nd, 2003, 12:13 PM

https://www.kicken.com/funnyfiles2/ww...bush.x-ray.swf

S

dvo47p · April 23rd, 2003, 06:11 PM

US Central Intelligence Agencey has discovered SOME NEW TOWNS...

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Ofelgercarb-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdifelgercarb
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

emerita · April 28th, 2003, 04:59 PM

LOL........those are priceless....

emerita · April 29th, 2003, 05:17 PM

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, PIG!

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.

BST · May 3rd, 2003, 06:31 AM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the comer of his eye.

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son, please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, Please knock on this door".

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE--YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS!
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

emerita · May 3rd, 2003, 01:15 PM

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams ... "I said a RICH doctor!"

Muffit · May 4th, 2003, 01:32 PM

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

kingfish · May 4th, 2003, 06:22 PM

Sorry I couldn't help myself.

bsg1fan1975 · May 5th, 2003, 10:27 PM

lol that one is great!

ojai22 · May 12th, 2003, 06:22 PM

"Wisdom"

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his
grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a
terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is
evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies,
false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every
other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child
asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

ojai22 · May 12th, 2003, 06:25 PM

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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