Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

WWII Oddities

I haven't verified any of these, but some are pretty amusing...

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army’s 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler’s private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

6. Germany’s power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

7. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

8. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

9. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

10. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn’t worth the effort.

11. A number of aircrewmen died of farts. (Ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

12. The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared minefields by marching over them). "It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin

13. The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

14. The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions, and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops who WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

15. When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca Cola bottling plants.

16. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

17. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 18. The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germany’s newest radar system.

19. One of Japan’s methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. "Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat."—LtGen. Mutaguchi

20. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

21. The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I don’t know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

22. Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

23. The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

24. During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officer’s mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

25. Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious "Heavy Water." He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

[Damocles]

The Chain of Command

ADMIRAL/GENERAL
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

CAPTAIN/COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and talks to God.

COMMANDER/LT COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special chit is approved.

LT COMMANDER/MAJOR
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT/CAPTAIN
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can fire a handgun without inflicting self-injury, can doggie paddle, and talks to animals.

LTJG/1LT
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to himself.

ENSIGN/2LT
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the Choo Choo.", wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

CPO/SNCO
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water with a single glance. He is God!

[Damocles]

Military Budgeting

The government has a "boneyard" for storing unused military aircraft. Fearing looting and theft, Congress decided to place a night watchman on the property.

After the guard had been working for awhile, an oversight committee realized the man had no instructions. So they hired two new people, one to research security procedures, the other to write them up.

Realizing that these two admin types couldn't do their job without supervision, it was decided to hire a department head and a manager.

The department head asked the oversight committee, "How are these people going to get paid and how are we going to know if they're doing their jobs correctly?" The committee immediately hired a payroll person and a compliance officer.

At the end of the year the GAO audited the department and found them to be $25,000 over budget.

So they fired the night watchman.

[Damocles]

More Air Force Jokes.

[Damocles]

Victory!

The General shouted to his aircrews, "Onward To Victory"!
About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him....... "Need Further Instructions, Victory not on b0ombing maps"!

[Damocles]

I'd Rather Have the Ticket

An Air Force Colonel was driving in the housing area one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the officer didn't know was that a security policeman was watching the intersection. The SP pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

SP: "ID Card, License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Colonel: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, *Airman*."

SP: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!"

Colonel: "Airman, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The SP pulled out his night-stick and began whacking the Colonel over the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Whomp! Bang!

SP: "Now, Sir....do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?"

[Damocles]

Following Orders

Airman Jones comes straight to his First Sergeant. He complains that his NCOIC is totally nuts and out to get him. Jones adds, "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to jump into a lake."

The First Sergeant replies "I don't think that's right, but if it ever happens, report to me directly."

Noting the thrilled expression on the airman's face, he adds... "But you jolly well be wet when you report to me

[Damocles]

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."

[Damocles]

Airman Slapping

AF NEWS SERVICE- Frustrated by lower than needed retention and recruitment levels the AF has been forced to make unprecedented concessions to members and now several Major Commands have instituted "airman-slapping" policies, allowing supervisors to slap airmen pretty much whenever they damn well please. In surveys the ability to slap their troops when frustrated is a major motivator to make a career of the Air Force

Widely hailed by supervisors as a great equalizer, the random slapping of airmen has, not surprisingly, come under fire from many lower-level members. But even some senior-level leaders have voiced complaints. .

"I, for one, don't like it a bit," said Col Joe Banks, Deputy Commander Hill AFB. "I'm a deputy commander, and I get slapped. I think there should be a ceiling somewhere, just below me, so that I don't get slapped, but I still get to slap. That, to me, would be an acceptable system."

While airmen-slapping programs are relatively new, their genesis can be found in the mid 1990s, when the changing attitudes of young recruits directly conflicted with how their supervisors viewed the world. According to Chief Bill Bob from the AFPC we had mid-career SSgts, etc separating in droves because they could not deal with these young "punk" recruits. After trying SRBs etc it was found that simply letting supervisors slap uncooperative subordinates dramatically improved morale, productivity, and retention.

Airman-slapping, proponents argue, makes up for the lost sense of balance, with many SNCOs reporting they can "feel the tension fly right off their fingertips." Some also contend the policy has reinvigorated a sense of ambition in the workforce, as climbing the promotion ladder to attain more power has been supplanted by a more intense, visceral desire to be able to slap the face of people who piss you off.

"It's simple math," explained SSgt Jim Bob, a crew chief at Cannon AFB. "Right now, in my flight, I've got six people under me. That's only six people I can slap. My boss, he has 96 people under him. I want his job."

There are, however, limits to ambition, warns General Jim Kirk, Commander ACC. "I've got 35,000 airman under me, and theoretically, I could slap every one of them, but whose got the time?" he said. "What I've learned, and this is a good lesson for prospective leader out there: delegate."

Most airman-slapping policies prohibit the slapping of anyone not full-time, however several base MEO offices have reported violations of this when leadership allowed subordinates to slap reservists and guard members until they confessed to some minor indiscretion.

One violation units have been cracking down on is what's known as the "slunch," or slap-punch. "My boss punched me once," recalled SSgt Jim Bob. "She said it was a slap, but I felt knuckle. I couldn't shave for a week." SSgt Jim Bob filed a complaint with the base MEO, and after getting slapped around a bit by the chain of command his grievance was declared valid. Now his boss can only slap him in the presence of her superiors.

Submitted by Arthur

[Damocles]

Military Jokes & Humor

NOTE: (This is rumored to be a True Story)

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But, when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

[Damocles]

Air Force Christmas Party

December 1st
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Chrismas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 2nd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 3rd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 7th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 9th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

December 10th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.

Happy Holidays!
Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF
Commander

[Damocles]

Air Force Enlisted Book of Knowledge

From the Air Force Enlisted's Book of Knowledge comes this passage.

In the beginning was The Plan. Then came the Assumptions. The Assumptions were without form. The Plan was completely without substance and darkness was upon the face of the airmen, and they spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of felgercarb and it stinketh".

And the airmen went unto their supervisors saying, "It is a pail of felgercarb and none may abide the odor thereof," and the supervisors went unto their Branch Chiefs saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

The Branch Chiefs then went unto the Commanders saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength." The Commanders spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

The Commanders then went to their Deputies saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

The Deputies went unto the Wing Commander and said "This new Plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of the Wing and in weak areas in particular."

The Wing Commander looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy. This is how sh*t happens, so sayeth the Enlisted Guru.

[Damocles]

Keep the Noise Down

Tower: Eagle 08, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up
here ?

Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise an F-15 makes when it hits a 727?

[Damocles]

Navigating to the Base

Two young pilots had had too many drinks in the local tavem. On their way back to the base they got lost.

Suddenly one of them stopped and said, "Hey, Joe, we'ze ina shemetery. Here's a gravestone."

"Whosh is it?" asked Joe.

The aviator lit a match, looked at the stone, and said, "Don' know hish name, but he sure wash an old man. Says hunert and twenty."

"Wow," exclaimed his buddy. "Maybe he wash Methuselah?' The aviator lit another match.

"Nope" he reported. "It was shum guy named Miles to Chatham."

[Damocles]

OERs

The following are actual lines out of Air Force Officer Efficiency Reports or OER's (performance appraisals):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
* Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* He's so dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[Senmut]

What do you call a cow playing a violin?
Fiddler on the Hoof.

[Cylon Number 13]

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

[Bootlegger 137]

For my wife...

Q. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.

[bsg1fan1975]

Heard this one in church the other day.

Man walks into the diner and orders the soup of the day. The waitress brings the soup and two pieces of bread. Man eats the soup and bread. The manager asks him how was the soup. Man replies: "it was good but you could serve more bread."

Next man walks into the diner again and orders the same meal. Manager tells the waitress to bring the man four slices of bread. Man eats the soup and bread and then the manages asks him how was the food. Man replies: "The soup was good but you could serve more bread."

Third day, man walks into the diner and again orders the soup of the day. This time the manager says to bring 6 slices of bread. Just like the past two days, the man eats the soup and bread. Manager again asks how the meal was. Man replies: "soup was great but you could serve more bread."

Fourth day comes and the man again goes to the diner. The manager tells the waitress to bring the guy a whole loaf of bread with the soup. As he had done previously, the man eats both the soup and bread. Again the manager asks how the man's meal was. Man replied that the soup was as good as always but they could serve more bread.

Next comes and the manager is desperate to please this guy and goes to the bakery and a gets a six foot loaf of bread. When the man comes in for his meal, the manager and waitress bring the soup and bread. Man eats his meal and as it had gone before when the manager asked him how the food was the man gives his stock reply. Now the manager is at his wits end over trying to please the guy so he comes up with a plan for the next day.

The following day when the man came in for his meal, the waitress brings him the soup and two slices of bread. Man eats the soup and bread and as he is leaving the manager asks him: "How was your meal?" The manager waits for the man's reply with baited breath, he is praying that the man won't be upset with the amount of bread or the manager is going to have a breakdown. Man replies: "Soup was good as always but I see your back to giving two slices of bread."

[Senmut]

How does the house pay out to winners on the Rising Star?

In Star Bucks.

[bsg1fan1975]

lol keep 'em coming. I'm going to need a bit of cheer to help me through a difficult essay for my English class

[bsg1fan1975]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison!

[bsg1fan1975]

How do ghosts like their coffee?

With scream and sugar!

[xyzw12345]

An astronaut preparing for launch was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 800,000 parts all supplied by the lowest bidder?"


This is "joke" of the day, but does anyone have a problem with 2 of them?


A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

[bsg1fan1975]

A husband is reading his morning paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

“Hey!” the man shouts, “What was that for?!”

“I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket,” the wife says, “and it had the name ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

“Jeez, honey,” the husband responds, “I can explain. Remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

The wife shrugs and walks away. Three days later, the husband is once again reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan.

“What was that for!” the husband asks.

The wife says, “Your horse called.”

[bsg1fan1975]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[ojai22]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and.....cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

[ojai22]

“Gonna ask my momma if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.”


“I’ve spent 2 weeks hanging out with myself and I am so sorry to every person I have ever spent time with.”


“In 8 weeks 88% of blondes will disappear from the Earth.”


“Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon at the moment?”


“It’s like being 16 again - gas is cheap and I’m grounded.”

[bsg1fan1975]

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

[ojai22]

HEALTH TIPS FROM A 101 YEAR-OLD

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:


REPORTER: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

HATTIE: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

REPORTER: When do you drink water?

HATTIE: I've never been that sick.