Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

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Life in Thule

A military transport carrying important supplies across "the pond" lands at Thule Air Station in Greenland for refueling. The flight engineer, while doing his walk-around check, notices that the station's crew chief, an A1C, is smoking a cigarette on the flight line while the "honey truck" empties the plane's commode.

"Airman! what the heck do you think you're doing? You're going to be in so much trouble when I'm through with you!"

Hearing this, the crew chief fell to the ground laughing

"What's so funny?" demanded the FE.

The airman replied, "I live on a glacier where it's winter 12 months out of the year, I make less than minimum wage, and I'm unloading goo from an airplane. What do you think you can do to me?"

[Damocles]

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New Enlistment Oaths
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend the stationary bike as a valid test of fitness.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

______________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

_____________
Signature, Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

_________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

______________________________
Thumb Print, Date (Y/N)

[Damocles]

Homecoming

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month deployment in Saudi Arabia, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."

And the wife replies, "No. He's off in Saudi for six months."

[Damocles]

Pentagon Translations

What Pentagon officials say - And what they really mean:

Essentially Complete
It's half done

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle...

Basic agreement has been reached:
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review:
7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it; nobody has a clue.

Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer: "Not well defined at this time...:

Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore

Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!

Results are promising:
Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...

[Damocles]

HOW TO OPERATE A HELICOPTER MECHANIC

By William C. Dykes

A long, long time ago, back in the days of iron men and wooden rotor blades, a ritual began. It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.

New pilots are largely ignorant of the ritual because it's neither included in their training, nor handed down to them by older drivers. Older drivers feel that the pain of learning everything the hard way was so exquisite, that they shouldn't deny anyone the pleasure.

There are pilots who refuse to recognize it as a serious professional amenity, no matter how many times they perform it, and are driven to distraction by it. Some take it personally. They get red in the face, fume and boil, and do foolish dances. Some try to take it as a joke, but it's always dead serious. Most pilots find they can't change it, and so accept it and try to practice it with some grace.

The ritual is accomplished before any work is actually done on the aircraft. It has four parts, and goes something like this:
1. The pilot reports the problem. The mechanic says, There's nothing wrong with it."
2. The pilot repeats the complaint. The mechanic replies, "It's the gauge."
3. The pilot persists, plaintively. The mechanic Maintains, "They're all like that."
4.The pilot, heatedly now, explains the problem carefully, enunciating carefully. The mechanic states, "I can't fix it."

After the ritual has been played through in it's entirety, serious discussion begins, and the problem is usually solved forthwith.

Like most rituals, this one has it's roots in antiquity and a basis in experience and common sense. It started back when mechanics first learned to operate pilots, and still serves a number of purposes. It's most important function is that it is a good basic diagnostic technique. Causing the pilot to explain the symptoms of the problem several times in increasing detail not only saves troubleshooting time, but gives the mechanic insight into the pilot's knowledge of how the machine works, and his state of mind.

Every mechanic knows that if the if the last flight was performed at night or in bad weather, some of the problems reported are imagined, some exaggerated, and some are real. Likewise, a personal problem, especially romantic or financial, but including simple fatigue, affects a pilot's perception of every little rattle and thump. There are also chronic whiners complainers to be weeded out and dealt with. While performing the ritual, an unscrupulous mechanic can find out if the pilot can be easily intimidated. If the driver has an obvious personality disorder like prejudices, pet peeves, tender spots, or other manias, they will stick out like handles, with which he can be steered around.

There is a proper way to operate a mechanic as well. Don't confuse "operating" a mechanic with "putting one in his place." The worst and most often repeated mistake is to try to establish an "I'm the pilot and you're just the mechanic" hierarchy. Although a lot of mechanics can and do fly recreationally, they give a damn about doing it for a living. Their satisfaction comes from working on complex and expensive machinery. As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied, but merely tolerated, for until they actually train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly. The driver who tries to put a mech in his "place" is headed for a fall. Sooner or later, he'll try to crank with the blade tied down. After he has snatched the tailboom around to the cabin door and completely burnt out the engine, he'll see the mech there sporting a funny little smirk. Helicopter mechanics are indifferent to attempts at discipline or regimentation other than the discipline of their craft. It's accepted that a good mechanic's personality should contain unpredictable mixtures of irascibility and nonchalance, and should exhibit at least some bizarre behavior.

The basic operation of a mechanic involves four steps:
1. Clean an aircraft. Get out a hose or bucket, a broom, and some rags, and at some strange time of day, like early morning, or when you would normally take your afternoon nap) start cleaning that bird from top to bottom, inside and out. This is guaranteed to knock even the sourest old wrench off balance. He'll be suspicious, but he'll be attracted to this strange behavior like a passing motorist to a roadside accident. He may even join in to make sure you don't break anything. Before you know it , you'll be talking to each other about the aircraft while you're getting a more intimate knowledge of it. Maybe while you're mucking out the pilot's station, you'll see how rude it is to leave coffee cups, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, and other trash behind to be cleaned up.
2. Do a thorough pre-flight. Most mechanics are willing to admit to themselves that they might make a mistake, and since a lot of his work must be done at night or in a hurry, a good one likes to have his work checked. Of course he'd rather have another mech do the checking, but a driver is better than nothing. Although they cultivate a deadpan, don't-give-a-damn attitude, mechanics have nightmares about forgetting to torque a nut or leaving tools in inlets and drive shaft tunnels. A mech will let little gigs slide on a machine that is never pre-flighted, not because they won't be noticed, but because he figures the driver will overlook something big someday, and the whole thing will end up in a smoking pile of rubble anyway.
3. Don't abuse the machinery. Mechanics see drivers come and go, so you won't impress one in a thousand with what you can make the aircraft do. They all know she'll lift more than max gross, and will do a hammerhead with half roll. While the driver is confident that the blades and engine and massive frame members will take it, the mech knows that it's the seals and bearings and rivets deep in the guts of the machine that fail from abuse. In a driver mechanics aren't looking for fancy expensive clothes, flashy girlfriends, tricky maneuvers, and lots of juicy stories about Viet Nam. They're looking for one who'll fly the thing so that all the components make their full service life. They also know that high maintenance costs are a good excuse to keep salaries low.
4. Do a post-flight inspection. Nothing feels more deliciously dashing than to end the day by stepping down from the bird and walking off into the sunset while the blade slowly turns down. It's the stuff that beer commercials are made of. The trouble is, it leaves the pilot ignorant of how the aircraft has fared after a hard days work, and leaves the wrench doing a slow burn. The mechanic is an engineer, not a groom, and needs some fresh, first hand information on the aircraft's performance if he is to have it ready to go the next day. A little end-of-the-day conference also gives you one more chance to get him in the short ribs. Tell him the thing flew good. It's been known to make them faint dead away.

As you can see, operating a helicopter mechanic is simple, but it is not easy. What it boils down to is that if a pilot performs his pilot rituals religiously in no time at all he will find the mechanic operating smoothly. ( I have not attempted to explain how to make friends with a mechanic, for that is not known.) Helicopter pilots and mechanics have a strange relationship. It's a symbiotic partnership because one's job depends on the other, but it's an adversary situation too, since one's job is to provide the helicopter with loving care, and the other's is to provide wear and tear. Pilots will probably always regard mechanics as lazy, lecherous, intemperate swine who couldn't make it through flight school, and mechanics will always be convinced that pilots are petulant children with pathological ego problems, a big watch, and a little whatchamacallit. Both points of view are viciously slanderous, of course, and only partly true.

[Damocles]

The General's Physical

The General goes to the flight surgeon for his physical exam. The surgeon says, "General, what kind of problems are you having?". The General says "None whatsoever".

Surgeon says "What about your love life, when was the last time you had conjugal?"

The General says "1959".

The Surgeon says "Wow, that's a long time ago".

The General says "But it's only 0830."

[Damocles]

Most of you are probably familiar with John Gillespie Magee Jr's famous poem. You may be less familiar with its FAA Supplement, or its counterpart for low-level flying...

High Flight
Federal Aviation Administration Supplement 1:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
You have not dreamed of --
Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeled and soared and swung
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.
High in the sunlit silence.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hov'ring there
"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or imact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a diety.

Low Flight

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown my aircraft low enough,
to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills, valleys
and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
the master caution light.

[Damocles]

The New Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."

[Damocles]

The Barber

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.

"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says:

"No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says:

"No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep ... three more Air Force colonels.

[Damocles]

Message from Starfleet

The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS: LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

[Damocles]

Customs & Courtesies

Airman Jones is at the maintenance duty desk when the phone rings: "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?" The voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection, and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-so Johnson won't sign the release order."

"Airman? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, the D.O.!"

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good! Bye, Fat-so!"

[Damocles]

Air Force One

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. The panic stricken Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[Damocles]

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base

"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

[Damocles]

Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

[Damocles]

German Airfield

One World War II decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

[Damocles]

UPT Stories

student pilot: "tower, Tweet 71, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Tweet 71, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Student pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

A student pilot flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys transmit instead of intercom to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware: (broadcasting to world) "Sir, I'm all fuked up."

ATC responds, demanding: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

After a short pause, the IP gets on the radio: "He said he was ****ed up; he didn't say he was stupid."

Helicopter Pilot: "Range control, I'm holding at 3000' over beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000' over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my copilot."

[Damocles]

The Importance of Airspeed

A good ol' boy American AF reservist C-130 pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Control: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Control (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Control: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Control: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

[Damocles]

War Heroes

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?" "

Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

[Damocles]

Training Program

An Air Force pilot walks into the O'club carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of felgercarb in the other, and a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of felgercarb, scaring the cat off his shoulder, which he chases out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the captain returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of felgercarb in the other, and another cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the felgercarb from his last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What do you want?"

"I'd like a drink", responded the captain.

"No way, not after your last escapade", snapped the bartender.

"But bartender, I'm in training", replied the man.

"Training! Training for what?", questioned the bartender.

"I'm getting out to be an airline pilot", responded the officer.

"An airplane pilot?", questioned the bartender, "How does what you're doing train you for that?"

"Well", added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little felgercarb, I chase a little cat, and then I take five days off!"

[Damocles]

Ground Effect

An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it. Now, the Mirage is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level.

The EF-111 crew were credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground. There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed aircraft scores a kill.

[Damocles]

SR-71 Stories

Excerpted from "Sled Driver," by SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.

Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

...

[Damocles]

Bureaucracy in Action

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973:

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."

[Damocles]

Ergo Test

Ways to make the Ergometry test (a stationary bike that replaced the 1.5 mile run) more fun:

1. Wear a bike helmet to the test. Optional: Include knee and elbow pads.
2. Demand the tester wear a reflective road guard vest "for safety."
3. Bring a bike horn and attach it. Each time the tester adjusts the tension, honk the horn loudly and yell, "Get the hell out of the way, you idiot!"
4. Bring a bike bell and attach it. Ring it once every 15 seconds - "Just to maintain your rhythm."
5. Attach streamers to the hand grips.
6. Bring a playing card to the test. Demand that it be inserted in the spokes.
7. Pop a wheelie. Optional: Do an axle grind on the nearest table. Optional: Bunny hop the bike.
8. At the beginning of the test, peddle while standing. Tell the tester,"I'm going uphill now, you fool."
9. Halfway through the test, stop peddling and lower your head between thehandle bars and stick your butt in the air. Explain to the tester, "I'm coasting downhill and about to take the lead in the Tour De France!!!"
10. Signal all turns.
11. Make motorcycle sounds. Be sure to shift gears when the tester changesthe tension.
12. Bring a sack of newspapers. Deliver them.
13. Periodically extend your legs and arms, yelling, "Look ma, no hands!"
14. Bring a friend to ride on the handle bars. Optional: Attach a kiddy seat to the back. Bring your kid.
15. Bring a bike lock. Be sure to secure the bike when you leave.

[Damocles]

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Air Force Dictionary

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and dumps stuff all over everything.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.

CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing Delta's pay scale while your commander is within earshot is serious CRM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the wing level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man changed my leave schedule for the fourth time this month."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking the boss . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.

40% REDUX RETIREMENT - The new retirement plan that will result in reduction of Air Force manning to 40% of wartime requirements.

AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The $16,308 a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.

[Damocles]

Air Force First Sergeant Test

You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

1. Ask for her hand in marriage.
2. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
3. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

1. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
2. Ask him about his recent root canal.
3. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:

1. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
2. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
3. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:

1. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
2. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
3. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

1. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
2. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
3. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

You are at a dinner party with the colonel and his wife (she looks like the regional runner-up at the Kate Smith look alike contest). Halfway through the dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:

1. Accidentally spill hot coffee on your lap.
2. Slip the hostess a note to have the boss's wife help her in the kitchen, and see if the hand goes away when she leaves.
3. If it doesn't, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If he follows, don't come out until you have a maximum performance evaluation report.

You're on your way to brief the General when your zipper breaks and you discover you've forgotten to put on underwear that morning. You:

1. Call the General's secretary instead.
2. Explain to the General you've been trolling for gays.
3. Slip on a baggy raincoat and head for the dependent school playground.

It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but whores and football players live there. He explodes with, "My wife is from Atlanta!" You:

1. Ask what position she plays.
2. Ask if she's still working the streets.
3. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.

You're attending a briefing given by a Colonel. You feel a tremendous pressure building in your anal area which you diagnose as gas accumulation. Feeling confident you have the muscle tone required for a controlled venting operation, you allow the sphincter to slightly relax. As the hair curls on the nape of your neck, you realize your error in judgment as fifty cubic centimeters of diarrhea slam into your jockey shorts. Your next action is:

1. Moan loudly, grasp your chest, and fake a massive coronary.
2. Ask mindless questions concerning the subject being briefed, wait for someone to yell, "who gives a felgercarb!" then raise you hand.

You feel the onset of a horrendous sneeze halfway through a briefing. Realizing you do not have a handkerchief, you elect to sneeze into the naked palm of your right hand. After muttering appropriate social amenity, you conduct visual inspection of the results of your action and discover your palm is encased in a pool of multi-viscosity goo. You elect to:

1. Open your uniform shirt and wipe the secretion on your T-shirt.
2. Pretend you are brushing a fly off the back of the person seated in front of you.
3. Spread the offending matter on your hair, then use a comb to work it in the larger pieces.

[Damocles]

Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[Damocles]

Lonely Fighter Pilot

An Air Force fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"

"11 Years," he answered. She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.

"11 Years." She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time you played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.

"11 years," the deprived pilot replied. The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"

[Damocles]

Engine Trouble

While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"

The pilot confirmed that it was.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "I'm going to get help."

[Damocles]

Crew Coordination
E-3 AWACS

I can personally verify that this is a true story. An AWACS was on its way to Saudi Arabia, when the flight crew decided to have some fun with the mission crew commander (MCC), who had a reputation for being somewhat uptight.

First, the flight engineer (FE) called the MCC on intercom to say he had to check out a problem with the autopilot in the forward lower lobe. They went through the proper checklist, then the FE went back to the mission crew compartment, opened the hatch in the floor, and went down inside. Few people on the mission crew (but many more after this event) know that there's a second hatch to the forward lower lobe under the navigator's console. The FE went through the lobe and up through this hatch, back into the cockpit. After a few minutes, the FE gets on the intercom again:

"pilot, engineer, I'm not sure what I'm looking at here. Could you come down with the T.O. and help me out?" So the pilot also comes back and goes down the hatch, while the MCC watches, and sneaks up through the nav's hatch to retake his seat in the cockpit. A little while later, the pilot calls on intercom to the copilot:

"Co, could you help us out down here? I need you to reset the circuit breakers after we check each of the actuators." The copilot comes back to the mission compartment, and the MCC (who is starting to get a little nervous at this point) watches him disappear down the hatch after the pilot and FE. He also secretly emerges into the cockpit to join his co-conspirators. A few minutes later, the pilot starts porpoising the aircraft up and down. The navigator comes on the intercom:

"Pilot, nav, it looks like the autopilot has come uncoupled, I need you back up here." (no answer) "MCC, nav, what are those guys doing back there? This is getting pretty serious!" The MCC, in a panic, goes to the hatch and literally dives in. After minutes of frantic searching for the missing crew members, he finds the second hatch, opens it, and pops his head into the cockpit. He's bleeding from a cut on the forehead and fuming about the prank. After the flight crew get their laughter under control, they are able to more-or-less calm him down for the remainder of the flight.

When the MCC reports this to the detachment commander to get the flight crew in trouble, the Detco thinks it's one of the funniest stories he's heard, and tells the MCC to basically get a band-aid and relax.

[Damocles]

Captain Bravado

There was a bomber pilot during WWII named Captain Bravado, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while flying over Germany, the tail gunner spotted two FW-190's approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado ordered his copilot to bring him his red shirt.

The copilot quickly got the red shirt to the captain, who put it on and turned toward the fighters to give his gunners a better field of fire. His crew shot down the enemy planes and went on to lead the formation on a successful bombing run.

That evening, all the men sat around the hangar recounting the earlier triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

The next day, they took off for a mission deeper into the heart of the Third Reich. Once over German territory, the top gunner spotted an entire squadron of German fighters above them, while the belly gunner saw another squadron below.

The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast horde arrayed against his craft, and without fear, turned and calmly said, "Get me my brown pants."