Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

The Pledge

Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

[Damocles]

The Rules

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex, and if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex, but if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

[Damocles]

Too Fast

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..."

"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" insisted the officer.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Damocles]

Virgin Ears

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.. please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home...please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

[Damocles]

Wedding Wagers

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[Damocles]

White Wedding Dress

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Damocles]

Wife-Long Relationship

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

[Damocles]

Air Force jokes.

[Damocles]

Pilot Jokes

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining after it lands.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

[Damocles]

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot...

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.

[Damocles]

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. The Air Force has pilots.

What's the difference between American pilots and other pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind...

[Damocles]

The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...
bailout

1. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
2. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
3. Me? I've never busted minimums.
4. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
5. We will be on time, maybe even early.
6. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
7. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
8. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
9. I'm a member of the mile high club.
10. I only need glasses for reading.
11. I broke out right at minimums.
12. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
13. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
14. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the T.O.
18. This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
19. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
25. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
26. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
27. I thought YOU took care of that.
28. I've got the field in sight.
29. I've got the traffic in sight.
30. Of course I know where we are.
31. I'm SURE the gear was down.

[Damocles]

Fighters or heavies?

An F-16, after refueling behind a KC-135, was generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering tanker. The message for the KC-135 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be out done, the tanker pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The KC-135 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Alternate version: "I just went back to stretch my legs, take a seat in the john, and grab a cup of coffee from the galley

[Damocles]

Aircraft Maintenance

These are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.
It was working a moment ago...

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

[Damocles]

Language Barrier?

There are glaring language differences between the services that protect our nation. Here is an example:

* When the Navy secures a building, they turn out the lights and lock the hatches.
* When the Army secures a building, they post sentries and check I.D. cards.
* When the Marines secure a building, they call in air strikes and assault through the objective using fire and close combat.
* When the Air Force secures a building, they get a 4 year lease with the option for 4 more years.

[Damocles]

TDY

An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."

A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".

A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"

The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"

An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"

[Damocles]

Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?

There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[Damocles]

Marines

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[Damocles]

Air Force/Navy Boat Race

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

[Damocles]

Tower Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[Damocles]

The Baloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Damocles]

Pilots' Hell

A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."

[Damocles]

McDonnell Douglas Corp. Warranty

Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately (McDonnell Douglas, now part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Col. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): .... /..../....

4. Serial Number: .................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Damocles]

Rules of the Air
up up and away

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Damocles]

Marching Jodies for Information Managers

My first assignment on active duty was as an executive officer (i.e. administrative weenie). During the gruelling 5-week IM (information manager) training course, I and some of my classmates came up with these jodies (marching songs).
left, right, left...

I don't know, but it's been said
that I.M. butts are made of lead

In my office, work all day
not to see the light of day

Scroll of silver on my chest
got a desk job like the rest

"Semper Scribus" is our creed
gonna write until I bleed

If I die while at my desk
serve me at the enlisted mess

Four-dash-fifty is OK
gonna get the mail out right away

BITS is BITS and that is that
gotta get the message in the right format

Shuffle those papers and run to the door
I wanna get off work around half past four

ten-dash-one is oh so fun!
I'd rather do forms than shoot a gun

If I go to a foreign land
I'll defend myself with a rubber band

More powerful than a battleship
are papers held together with a paper clip

I.M. commandos running down the isles
behind enemy lines to secure those files

In the enemy's office in the dead of night
to screw up their files before the morning light

Locator roster on the wall
I.M. forces are always on call!

[Damocles]

The Hotel Al-Kharj

Prince Sultan Air Base is the main U.S. air base in Saudi Arabia, located near Al-Kharj (alias "Al's Garage", probably arabic for "middle of nowhere"). This is sung to the tune of the Eagles' "Hotel California". Welcome to the hotel Al-Kharj

On a dark desert flightline, hot dust in my hair
Warm smell of the sewage rising up through the air
Out ahead in the distance, I saw a camel in sight
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had a long, long flight
There he stood in the doorway, with a towel on his head
I was thinking to myself: this could be heaven, but it would be hell
Then he lit up a hooka, and started puffing away
I heard voices down the corridor, thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
What a bad surprise, for your appetite

Our hosts wear long white dresses, they got the Mercedes Benz
They got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, and they hold hands
How they chop in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat
some chopped just a little, some chopped to minced meat
And still those voices are calling from loud speakers
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them pray:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
Any time of year, you're TDY here

There are no curtains in the showers
No potable water on ice
We are all just prisoners here, of Exxon's delight
So I called up my Captain, please bring me some wine. He said
"They won't allow that spirit here until the end of all time"
And in the Mirage chow hall, we gathered for the feast
We stab it with our plastic knives but we just can't cut the beef
Last thing I remember, I was running for my plane
I had to find the freedom bird to take me home again
Relax, said the First Shirt, we have orders to receive,
You can out-process any time you like, but you can never leave

[Damocles]

The Origin of Rank Insignia

The U.S. decided it needed to create insignia for officers to show their rank and to distinguish them from officers of other countries, so they put a committee together.

Second lieutenants, since they are the future of the military, are very valuable, decided the committee. They are also very malleable, so their insignia shall be a gold bar.

First lieutenants are also valuable, but not quite as malleable, so they will be designated by a silver bar.

A captain should be able to do twice the work of a lieutenant, therefore, they get two bars.

They further decided that colonels hold lofty positions of authority, like eagles soaring overhead, so that should be their insignia.

Generals, they reasoned, are even higher than colonels, so they should be designated by stars, which are higher in the sky than the birds. maj

Then the committee thought about what device to use for majors and lieutenant colonels. They thought and thought, but couldn't come up with anything. After long deliberation, the chaplain on the committee spoke up and said "Well, since Adam and Eve's day, we've always covered our unmentionables with leaves..."

[Damocles]

Feed the Pilots

an appeal from Sally Struthers and the Feed the Pilots Foundation...

It's just not right. Thousands of Air Force pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six-figure salary line. If that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a bonus if they are forced to wait for Congress to pass needed legislation. Congress is just "sitting" on much-needed legislation to increase the pilot bonus (ACP) to $25,000 per year, and while we wait our pilots are going without any bonus payments at all!

But you can help! For $480 a week (that's less than the price of a 31" television set) you can help keep a pilot economically viable during his (or her) time of need. $480 a week may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, $480 may be nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment, but to an Air Force pilot, $480 a week is their god-given right for the hardships of having to fly a sleek fighter or a mission-critical transport plane instead of some old commercial airliner between La Guardia and Atlanta.

$480 a week will enable a needy pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new high-definition TV set, trade in the 6-month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or simply enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

HOW WILL YOU KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Each month, you'll receive a complete financial statement report on the pilot you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, and real estate holdings will be mailed directly to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You will also have information on how they choose to invest their salary when they eventually separate to take a commercial aviation job.

HOW WILL THEY KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.

So won't you please help these pilots in their time of need by sending your donation of just $480 a week by check or credit card to:

Feed the Pilots
PO Box 9876
Washington, DC 12345

Thank you.

[Damocles]

In the Personal Ads...

ENEMY WANTED

Mature North American Superpower seeks hostile partner for arms racing third world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiantly menacing to convince Congress of military financial requirements. Nuclear capablility is preferred, however non-nuclear candidates possessing significant biological/chemical warfare resources will be considered. Send note with pictures of Fleet, Air squadrons and Army to:

Chairman, Joint Cheifs of Staff
The Pentagon
Washington D.C.
United States of America

[Damocles]

The Most Dangerous Things in the Air Force

1. An Airman saying "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2. A Sergeant saying "Trust me, sir..."
3. A 2nd Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience..."
4. A Colonel saying "I was just thinking..."
5. A Chief Master Sergeant saying "Watch this felgercarb..."