Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Busy Men

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.

The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

[Damocles]

Choosing a Bride

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

[Damocles]

Coming for Dinner

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[Damocles]

Dinner Conversation

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Oops.....

[Damocles]

Double the Recipe...

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if
she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don´t you just double the recipe?"

"I just can´t do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"What´s the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don´t you have them?

"Yes -- well, actually it isn´t the ingredients," the wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can´t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

[Damocles]

False Alarm

"Please, doctor! Come over right away!" pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive!"

The physician quickly got dressed, but before he got to the door, the phone rang again.

"Oh doctor, nevermind. You don't need to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one!"

[Damocles]

Give and Take

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee.

"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

[Damocles]

Happy Day

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

[Damocles]

Honeymoon at the Watergate

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

[Damocles]

Is It Really Cheating?

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..." she confesses.

"3, hmmm, well when were they?" he curiously asks.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers - no questions asked? Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me?! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me! So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again? Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife! To do such a thing, you must really love me darling! I couldn't be more moved, so alright then, when was number 3?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board, and you were 47 votes short???"

[Damocles]

Job Well Done

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Damocles]

Just One Quick Game?

As the lovely bride came down the aisle, she noticed that the groom had his golf clubs with him.

"Why are your golf clubs here?!" she furiously demanded.

He looked at her with a surprised face and replied, "Why? This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[Damocles]

Just Too Much

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

[Damocles]

Keep the Change

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

[Damocles]

Let's PRETEND We're Married...

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggled the woman.

"Good," he said. "Get your own blanket."

[Damocles]

Marriage Counseling?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

[Damocles]

Marriage Through a Child's Eyes

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc...

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[Damocles]

New Mom

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

The mother finally replies, "When the baby cries."

Her relatives curiously ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[Damocles]

No Appreciation

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

[Damocles]

Not Afraid

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM!" When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?" Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 years!"

[Damocles]

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," but, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

[Damocles]

Pray for Guidance

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

[Damocles]

Quite the Business Proposition

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization. Now you're telling me you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

[Damocles]

Running Short

A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Damocles]

Saving Up

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

The next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

[Damocles]

She Knows Too Much...

Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."

"But honey," replied the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."

"Yes," she continued, "and that's why I want you to fire her!"

[Damocles]

She's Expecting...

"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..."

[Damocles]

Simple Mathematics

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "

[Damocles]

The Most Grief

A dietrician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he explained.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water, but there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" the speaker asked.

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake..."

[Damocles]

The Perfect Wedding Night


A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"