Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Twisted Equity

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents."

[Damocles]

Up Close Mystery

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[Damocles]

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet. Do you want tomato sauce with that or would you prefer mustard?"

[Damocles]

Voice Mail

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[Damocles]

Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[Damocles]

Well Done Job

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said and handed the man a check. "Also, as a bonus, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

[Damocles]

What's in a Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

[Damocles]

Won't Take No for an Answer

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[Damocles]

Brain Dead

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Damocles]

Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

[Damocles]

By Its Cover

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."

"I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted.

"I know," said the librarian, "but War and Peace?"

[Damocles]

Charity Begins at Home

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless withthree children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"

[Damocles]

Considerate Citizen

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars, but I'm not."

[Damocles]

Considerate Lawyer?

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" he exclaimed.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home hasn't been mowed in ages..."

[Damocles]

Dead Lawyer

A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, "I know that, I just like hearing it!"

[Damocles]

Divorce Whisperer

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Damocles]

Dying Man's Request

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

[Damocles]

Happy Valentine's Day

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing in the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Damocles]

Hot Cup of Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

[Damocles]

I Take Offense to That!

A man walked into a bar and he was really pissed. The bartender gave him a drink and asked what the problem is. All he replied was, "All lawyers are assholes..."

A man sitting in the corner overheard the conversation and shouted back, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy whipped around and asked, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replied, "No, I'm an asshole."

[Damocles]

Investment Counselor

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

She started off with one of the first applicants, "As I'm sure you can understand, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[Damocles]

Just Passin' the Time!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me doing the guy in front of me?"

[Damocles]

Pact with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[Damocles]

Peaceful Drive

A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Ok," says the man, "that explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."

[Damocles]

Remember Me

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.

To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.

And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you're wrong. Hi Dan!

[Damocles]

Running Down Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he'd had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[Damocles]

Sleepy Husband

A lawyer is driving in the middle of nowhere and his car breaks down. After waiting a while, a farmer comes along and asks what the problem is. Discovering what the problem is, the farmer offers his home to the lawyer to stay for the night. Later that night, the lawyer is asleep, and the farmer's wife comes in his room and wants to have sex with him.

The lawyer says, "No, you're husband will wake up and catch us."

The wife replies, "My husband is a heavy sleeper - he won't wake up, I promise." To prove it, she takes the lawyer into her room where her husband sleeps and tells him to pull one of the hairs on his back. The lawyer does it and the farmer doesn't wake up.

Then they go back to the room and have sex. About 2 hours later, the wife comes back and wants more. The lawyer says once again, "You're husband will wake up and catch us."

The wife says, "I already told you, he's a heavy sleeper." She takes him in her room again and he pulls another hair on the farmer's back and still the farmer does not wake up, so they go have sex again.

It's almost sunrise and the wife comes back again and wants to do it one more time before her husband wakes up. The lawyer
says, "It's almost sunrise, he's about to wake up."

The wife says, "Let me show you one more time that my husband is a heavy sleeper." They go back to her room and he pulls a hair on the farmer's back.

Just then, the farmer turns around, looks at him and says, "You can do my wife as many times as you want, but don't use me as a scoreboard."

[Damocles]

Stuck in a Barnyard

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.

The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

[Damocles]

Terrible Accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

[Damocles]

The Judge Shows No Class

In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"