Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Dog Eyes

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "Come on in."

The other guy says to himself, "What the heck," puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.

The host says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "A Chihuahua?"

So the guy says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

[Damocles]

Dogged Out

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a 4-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[Damocles]

Foul-Mouthed Parrots

Father," a lady says to her priest, "I have a problem. I've got two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" inquires the priest.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims.

"You know," he says after a moment of thought, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your parrots over to the rectory and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responds. "I can't tell you how happy this makes me."

The next day, she carries her female birds to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot turns to the other. "Put the beads away, Francis," he says, "Our prayers have been answered!"

[Damocles]

Funeral for a Friend

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

[Damocles]

Go Cheap

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"

The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!"

[Damocles]

Golfing Gorilla

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says, "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

[Damocles]

Gorilla Removal

Tom woke up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looked in the phone book and found a gorilla removal service. When he asked if they could remove the gorilla, the service man asked, "Is it a male or a female?"

"Male", Tom replied.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," said the man.

An hour later, the service man arrived with a stick, a chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. After surveying the situation, he said to Tom, "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing
you put the handcuffs on him."

"Fine", Tom replied, "but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy said, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the chihuahua."

[Damocles]

Ham Hero

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says, "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says, "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says, "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says, "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks, "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

[Damocles]

Helpful Livestock?

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

[Damocles]

Hop High

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

[Damocles]

Hound Dog in the Yard

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

[Damocles]

Hungry Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" he asked his friend.

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

[Damocles]

Kitty?

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.

Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[Damocles]

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her bikini clad body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her ankles, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Damocles]

Majestic Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere - just scaring the fun out of some college students!"

[Damocles]

Memory Loss

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did...you asked me for my phone number!"

[Damocles]

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you might want to brace yourself..."

[Damocles]

No Confusion Here!

Out in the pasture one lovely summer day, three bulls complained about the rumor that their farmer had brought in another bull.

The Alpha bull said, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with my 100 cows. This new guy's not going to get any of my cows!"

The second toughest bull said, "Yeah, well, since I only have 50 cows, I can't afford to share any of my cows with him either!"

The youngest bull said, "You only gave me 10 cows. No way is he getting one of mine!"

Just then the aforementioned new bull pranced over the hill, the biggest, baddest bovine they've ever seen. He weighed over a ton, had horns four feet long, and the Earth shook beneath his mass.

Suddenly Alpha bull grew flexible. "Well, maybe I could spare a few cows."

The second bull said, "I wonder if I hung out over in that far corner of the pasture, he'd leave me alone?"

But the small, teenage bull started snorting, pawing the ground, and shaking his fledgling horns in a highly confrontational manner.

Worried about their inexperienced friend, the two older bulls said, "Listen son, it's not worth dying for! Just give the new guy half your cows."

"Heck, he can have them all if he wants them," said the young, snorting, pawing bull. "I just want to make sure that guy knows I'm a bull!"

[Damocles]

One Angry Elephant

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Darn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so angry!"

[Damocles]

One Smart Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The Airline Rep. said, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog - the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."

He tells the dog, "Rover, search."

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

The Airline Rep. says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this and asks "What the bloody heck is going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb..."

[Damocles]

Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

[Damocles]

Police Dog

The ad in the local newspaper read: Purebred Police Dog $25

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don´t be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

[Damocles]

Race Horses

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!"

"Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Damocles]

Rules of the Jungle

A poodle escaped from a safari and soon was lost, deep in the African jungle.

She saw a leopard heading for her and started thinking. She saw some bones lying nearby and immediately started chewing on them, facing away from the approaching cat. When she thought the leopard was about to pounce, she said loudly, "What a delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

The young leopard heard this, halted mid-stride, and then crept away into the trees. "That was close!" thought the leopard. "That old poodle almost got me!"

A monkey who had seen the whole scene, figured he could trade his knowledge for some protection from the leopard. The poodle saw him talking with the leopard and figured he must be up to something. Soon the young leopard was furious at being played the fool and charged again.

The poodle saw him coming but, instead of running, she again turned her back on her attacker. Just when the leopard got within earshot, the poodle yelled, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago for more leopard!"

[Damocles]

Safari So Goody

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Damocles]

Safe Bull

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"

[Damocles]

Sick Birds

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

[Damocles]

Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Damocles]

Swimming with Gators

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, during which he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the $1 million?"

The guy replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[Damocles]

Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you´re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."