Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

New FDA Warnings for Alcoholic Beverages

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on your forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter then sone really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear".

[Damocles]

Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Ok, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

[Damocles]

Rules of Flight

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. (Isn't that why they came up with checklists?

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

[Damocles]

Ten Ways to Annoy the Person in the Next Toilet

1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?

5. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, "Oh my, this water's cold!"

8. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before."

9. Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."

10. Drop a marble and say, "Oh noooo, my glass eye!!"

[Damocles]

Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

[Damocles]

Signs That You're an Internet Geek...

When filling out your driver´s license application you give your IP address.

You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what´s your URL?"

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

You "ping" people to see if they´re awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they´re listening to you.

You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

[Damocles]

Responses to the General Public

1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. No, my powers can only be used for good.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

[Damocles]

Almost 50 Things You Wish You Could Say

1. Ahhh...I see the goof-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of nothing.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a flip.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[Damocles]

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

7. "Get your own ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

[Damocles]

Top Ten Best Excuses for Sleeping on the Job

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[Damocles]

A Different Breed of Fly

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Damocles]

A Lease is a Lease

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it!"

[Damocles]

A Man and His Ostrich

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[Damocles]

A Pet That Does Everything

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture has been cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa have been plumped, and the plants have been watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next, he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Thirty minutes later, the centipede still hasn't returned. By this point, the man is wondering what's happened. So, he peers out the front door, and to his surprise, the centipede is sitting on the front step.

"Hey! I sent you down to the corner store thirty minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the problem?"

The centipede explains, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

[Damocles]

Amazing Hunting Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[Damocles]

Animal Doctors

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Damocles]

Another Day at Work

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a large dog who appears to be emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "My friend, don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man. "I simply can't believe it. Does your boss realize what a prize he has in you? An animal...that can talk!"

"No, no, no!!!" pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man discovers I can talk, he'll be making me answer the phones, too!"

[Damocles]

Anxious Firefly

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods.

"All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered.

"Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother.

"Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow!"

[Damocles]

Australian Pigs

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?" he asks into the radio.

A reply comes back, "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

[Damocles]

Baby Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store water?"

"Yes, dear."

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

[Damocles]

Bathing Goldfish

A man buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that he decides to keep them in his bathtub. One day the man invites his friend over to see all his beautiful goldfish.

The friend is impressed, and remarks, "They sure are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

To which the man replies, "I blindfold them."

[Damocles]

Big and Dead

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!" one exclaimed.

"Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey," the other argued.

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one - it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir," they both replied in unison. "We're diggin' an ---hole."

[Damocles]

Big Bad Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Damocles]

Bilingual Barnyard

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"

They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.

"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"

His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

[Damocles]

Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow...

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.

He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

[Damocles]

Car Crash

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijauana before they wrecked."


"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[Damocles]

Chickens in the Sky

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn´t crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and only had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

[Damocles]

Clever Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Damocles]

Clothing the Rooster

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants on with the other.."

[Damocles]

ead Donkey

An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his premises, and went to inform the police.

He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"

"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker, aren't you?"

"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and inform the relatives first."