Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

[Damocles]

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

[Damocles]

A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

So he improvised. He found an Englishman.

[Damocles]

A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

[Damocles]

How do you recognize a Kerry pirate?

He's got a patch over each eye.

[Damocles]

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.

One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing.

"Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

[Damocles]

A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
"Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk.
"Thank you," said the Kerryman and hung up.

[Damocles]

A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

"Who was that?" asked his boss.

"Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."

[Damocles]

How do you recognise a Kerryman on an oil rig?
He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters...

[Damocles]

A Kerryman attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.

"Look," shouted the Kerryman, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."

"Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."

"I'm not talking to you," said the Kerryman, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."

[Damocles]

It was only to be expected that Kerrymen wouldn't take all of our jokes lying down. Scarcely had the echoes of the last Kerryman joke died away when the counter-attack began. Nobody was spared and the Kerryman as usual had the last laugh...

What do you call an intelligent Mayoman?

Lucky

[Damocles]

What is red and white and floats upside down on the River Liffey?

A Dubliner caught telling Kerrymen jokes.

[Damocles]

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

[Damocles]

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Episcopalians."

[Damocles]

Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they corked.

Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting,

"They're comin'". "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
"The Germans," replies Mick.
"How many are there?"
"About fifty thousand."
"Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."

[Damocles]

"Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.

"Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."

"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

"Dat's what I mean, Father..."

[Damocles]

Paddy stopped cutting the hedge as the big car drew up beside him and an English visitor enquired,

"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, Please?"
Paddy wiped his brow.

"Certainly, sor. If you take the first road to the left… no still that wouldn't do… drive on for about four miles then turn left at the crossroads… no that wouldn't do either."
Paddy scratched his head thoughtfully.

"You know, sor, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all."

[Damocles]

Sign in an Irish pub:
"This establishment closes at 11 o'clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven't had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven't really been trying." ----------------------------------------------

[Damocles]

O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle of Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

[Damocles]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy son of Ireland..." so he decided to set a test for Murphy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Murphy says, "Dats easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell is that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine". Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir. 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. "Go on Murphy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?"

[Damocles]

Three Irish guys go into a pub, have a few pints and are ready to leave and pay their tab. The bar back brings them a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a tenner, and they leave.

When the bar back hands the £30.00 to the bartender, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The bartender gives the bar back five £1.00 notes and tells him to take it back to the 3 Irish guys.

On their way out of the pub, the bar back has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. (Editor's note: yes, I know they do not generally tip in Ireland, please just play along…) He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds.

OK! So far so good!

He taps one of the guys on the shoulder and explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, then departs with his two-pound tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!

Remember £30-£25=£5 Right? £5-£3=£2 Right?
So what's the problem?
All is well, right?
Not quite… Answer this:
Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.
They each got back £1.00 in change.
That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00.
The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.
£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.
Where the heck is the other pound??????????

===============================

The English have trouble with math don't they.

[Damocles]

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

[Damocles]

Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

[Damocles]

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!

[Damocles]

A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and destroyed
the entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT's have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

[Damocles]

How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None - Westmeath looks better in the dark.

How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high
off the old one.

[Damocles]

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

[Damocles]

Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?" The civil servant called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Damocles]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

[Damocles]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fruiter."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a ladies' clothes fancier!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
===========================

At least that was what the Englishmen told the devil when they showed up for their sudden new job interviews.