Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

I am OS/2 of Borg. DOS will be assimilated.

I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated

[Damocles]

I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated.

I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated.

[Damocles]

I am Porky of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it.

I am Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc_ is futil_.

[Damocles]

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be, assimilated.

I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with "R" and is futile.

[Damocles]

I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!

I am Yoda of Borg: Irrelevant the Force is.

[Damocles]

I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.

We are Tribbles of Borg. Prepare to be replicated.

[Damocles]

Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, I will.

P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim... absorbed.

[Damocles]

Pythagoras of Borg - Distance is irrelevant.

Quayle of Borg - Inhaling is irrelevant.

[Damocles]

Uhura of Borg: Assimilation frequencies open, sir.

We are Borg. <ESC> is futile <CTRL> is inevitable.

[Damocles]

We are Daleks of Borg. ASSIMILATE! ASSI-MIL-ATE!!!!!!!

Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrelevant! - Daffy Duck of Borg.

[Damocles]

Tennis is irrelevant - Bjorn Borg.

The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.

[Damocles]

The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.

[Damocles]

The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!

U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.

[Damocles]

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

Welcome to Borg Burger. No pickles. Pickles are irrelevant

[Damocles]

Borg Answering Machine Message:

WE ARE BORG.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

But we're not home right now.

So leave a message at the tone

and we'll assimilate you later.

[Damocles]

when the Borg get carried away...

RESISTANCE IS IRELAVENT.EATING IS IRELAVENT.WE ARE IRELAVENT.BARNEY IS IREVENT(TRUE TRUE)...

...Oh and "This Borg?s for you.

*******************************

[Damocles]

What's Locutus's favorite beer?

Carlsborg.

What do the Borg use as a spreadsheet?

Locutus 1-2-3

[Damocles]

Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher

10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

9. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.

8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."

7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.

6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.

5. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.

4. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.

2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.

1. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply any where. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him

[Damocles]

Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Picard.

10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Piocard stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.

9. Picard gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.

8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Troi to "knock the little snot around a bit."

7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Picard, who dies of embarrassment.

6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite Picard has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily court martialed and commits suicide.

5. Picard gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.

4. On an earlier episode, Picars got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Picard to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Picard. Picards's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.

2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and asks Picard to go down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.

1. Picard gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply any where. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him

[Damocles]

The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain

9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being

8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate

7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer

6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him

5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices

4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults

3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth

2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"

1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"

[Damocles]

Top Ten Fun Things To Do Aboard The Starship Enterprise:

10. Playing Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using appropriate psychedelia on the walls to drive him crazy

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft

8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data

7. Giving Worf A nuggie

6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)

5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals

4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence

3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression

2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can

1. Tribbles!

[Damocles]

TOP TEN PRACTICAL JOKES ON THE NEXT GENERATION

1. Riker's communicator pin replaced with Klingon agonizer
2. Worf's bed is short sheeted.
3. Captain Picard?s Earl-Grey secretly replaced with Folgers Crystals.
4. Data?s supply of WD-40 replaced with Super Extra Strength Hairspray.
5. Guinan keeps looking at Picard, then at her watch, then at Picard, then at her watch, then...
6. Geordi's visor wired to receive only the SCI-FI channel.
7. Troi locked in turbolift with Andrew Dice Clay.
8. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that Wesley *MIGHT* be his son, but nothing else
9. Worf is mistakenly quoted as "I am *NOT* a homosexual!"
10. Starfleet Academy computer enrolls Wesley in nothing but wood shop classes.

home

[Damocles]

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"

9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"

8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"

7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"

6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"

5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."

4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"

3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"

2. "We brake for cubes!"

1. "Wesley On Board!"

[Damocles]

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE

1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
21. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7.
22. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
23. You tried to join the navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
24. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
25. You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking of a whale.
26. Your college thesis was a comparison of the illustrious careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
27. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
28. You have no life.
29. You recognize more than four references on this list.
30. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
31. The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it.
32. Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns.
33. When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know *all* the words.
34. You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror.
35. Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"
36. You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp."
37. You always win the free slice of pizza at the local pizza place when they have Star Trek trivia questions.
38. You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered.
39. You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver."
40. You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want.
41. You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner.
42. Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation.
43. After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun.
44. You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken.
45. You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal.
46. You avoid all stores that carry Trek merchandise for fear that someone will find out about your 'addiction'. :-)
47. Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.
48. All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard.
49. You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi
50. You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voice-overs.
51. You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon.
52. You start making lists of the signs that you've been watching too much Trek!

[Damocles]

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
4. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
5. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
6. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
7. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
9. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
10. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

[Damocles]

Top Ten Hobbies of William T. Riker

10. Posing behind Picard.

9.Posing behind Worf.

8. Posing in front of that young ensign down in engineering.

7. Posing in front of Picard.

6. Posing on the Engineering table in engineering when nobody's there.

5. Falling asleep during one of Jean-Luc's lectures in the briefing room.

4. Posing in front, behind and anywhere in the vicinity of Deanna/Ro.

3. As 4 but when I have her alone and naked in my quarters.

2. Something involving and chocolate....

and the number 1 hobby of commander William T. Riker is..

1. Do you really need to ask....?

[Damocles]

The Top Ten Secrets of the Enterprise

1. All routine maintenance is done by Oompa-Loompas.
2. Pulaski was sealed in an unused Jeffries Tube by Data when she insulted him too many times.
3. Riker's parents were Nazis. His initial "T" is for "Third" (Get it?)
4. Troi starts all counseling sessions with males asking "So is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?
5. Before joining Starfleet, Picard was a Chippendale's dancer.
6. "Worf" is Klingon for "pinhead".
7. Riker amuses himself by signing all reports "F. Off." (For first officer, twit)
8. Geordi is taking a shuttle apart and mailing it home piece by piece.
9. Picard is Wesley's father.
10. Due to a time-travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father.

[Damocles]

Top 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb.
11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
12. Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
15. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
17. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
19. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
20. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
21. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Damocles]

Your Starship Captain might be a Redneck if...

* ...your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
* ...he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
* ...you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
* ...he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
* ...he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
* ...he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
* ...he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
* ...he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
* ...he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
* ...he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
* ...he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
* ...he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
* ...he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
* ...he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
* ...he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
* ...he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
* ...he paints the starship John Deere green
* ...he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
* ...he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
* ...his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
* ...he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
* ...his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
* ...he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
* ...his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

[Damocles]

Reasons Why Kirk and Janeway Would Make a Great Couple

1. She's a woman. He's Captain James T. Kirk!
2. When the ship gets lost (yet again), she can make him stop and ask for directions. (based on 1)
3. They can go on away teams and have "adventures".
4. Animal guide, lizard, meet animal guide, tribble!
5. They both know how to live without replicators. (2)