Clean joke of the day. - Page 54

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:35 PM

Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:35 PM

Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?
A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:36 PM

Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:36 PM

Q: What did one Borg say to one another right before their ship was
destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoisted by our own Picard.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:37 PM

Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:37 PM

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:38 PM

Q: Why don't the Borg go to prison?
A: Because they obey the Lore!

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:38 PM

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:39 PM

Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:40 PM

Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first
experiment was a disaster; the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid of it by jettisoning it out of the hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him do it, and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:41 PM

Spock, Spock.
Who's there?
Epsilon.
Epsilon who?
Epsilon way to Tipperary...

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:42 PM

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style six-guns.
You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:42 PM

Mr. Spock: "What is formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:43 PM

Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a
peephole into her cabin door.
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:43 PM

Q: Why was Star Trek so successful?
A: It had good Genes.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:44 PM

McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:44 PM

Mr. Spock: " A Syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give
me an example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:45 PM

The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr.
McCoy nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim. "Thanks," she answered. "I weigh one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:46 PM

Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:46 PM

Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:47 PM

Q: How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not
marrying Spock?
A: They were Stonned.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:47 PM

Q: What are eyeglasses called on Vulcan?
A: Spocktacles

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:48 PM

Mary Sue: "I just got engaged to Kevin!"
Mary Jane: "Oh, really?"
Mary Sue: "No, Riley." (really atrocious, ed.)

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:48 PM

Q: What kind of noise is made my Vulcan popguns?
A: T'Pau (an atrocious ""classic"", ed.)

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:49 PM

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:49 PM

New crewwoman: "Where do I eat?"
Uhura: "You mess with the officers."
New crewwoman: "I figured that, but where do I eat?"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:50 PM

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?

A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

-from Douglas E. Gogerty (deg(at)epx.cis.umn.edu)

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:52 PM

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
---------------------------------------------------
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of
T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:53 PM

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
------------------------------------------------
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"

Damocles · April 17th, 2009, 04:53 PM

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
---------------------------------
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."