Julix's corner

[julix]

a life I struggle
to embrace
held at a distance
time and space unaligned
like watching from
a window into an
another world
that you are unable
to go into or come out of
you want to be
a part of it
but hesitate
becuase if you
go in and fully
be as one
you risk
the raw part
of you that
never healed
and is afraid
to be exposed
to the most devestating
pain you have
ever known
loss

[The 14th Colony]

Hmmmm...another dark and thought-provoking one my friend.

[julix]

Thank you Ron for your feedback........I appreciate it.

[julix]

This is about my son Chris(he was born premature)



To look at him
is to know innocence
the definition of love
he walks in light
like a refreshing breeze
or a new rain
that feeds and cleanses
he is whole in a way
others will never be
yet his mind and body
are not as one
his gentle nature
is like a peaceful
river
that one sits
and watches
appreciates
and learns from

[CaptainTux]

Julix,
I am jumping on this thread little late. I was about to go to bed and started reading your poems. When it comes to writing, I don't pass out accolade lightly. Your poems are truly moving. Not only do I feel like I know you better as you've opened up a window to your soul, but I've been touched by the ones I related to (you may PM me for details as to which ones) and brought to wonder to see who relates to what.

You had me choked a few times, angry others, meloncholy...you name it.

You have a gift that I envy. I can write great press releases, brochures, marketing plans, and some decent technical non fiction....but poetry and touching people....wow!

Thank you.

[Archangel]

It's great as always, Julix.

[julix]

Originally Posted by CaptainTux

Julix,
I am jumping on this thread little late. I was about to go to bed and started reading your poems. When it comes to writing, I don't pass out accolade lightly. Your poems are truly moving. Not only do I feel like I know you better as you've opened up a window to your soul, but I've been touched by the ones I related to (you may PM me for details as to which ones) and brought to wonder to see who relates to what.

You had me choked a few times, angry others, meloncholy...you name it.

You have a gift that I envy. I can write great press releases, brochures, marketing plans, and some decent technical non fiction....but poetry and touching people....wow!

Thank you.

I am amazed, honored and grateful for your comments............you can't know what it means to me! Thanks for your feedback...............expect a PM.

[julix]

Originally Posted by Archangel

It's great as always, Julix.

Arch..............
It is great to see ya man, I miss ya. Thank you!

[CaptainTux]

You are welcome Julix.

[julix]

The cold clammy hand of pain
clutches at my throat once again
there is no escape
no place I can hide
It reaches me and pulls me
down and terrifies me
No matter where I go
or what I do
It finds me
again and again
Will I ever be free of it's grasp?

[julix]

Wandering the planet
Utterly alone
With no harmony
And a tune
That is out of sync
The notes of a melody
That starts out
So sweetly
But then is
Abruptly ended
And changed to a harsh mix
Of notes and sounds
That hurt the ears
And the very soul
Indeed

[julix]

Beauty
Like the thorns of a rose
Constantly pricking at my heart
Making it bleed and sting
Like a rosebud frozen under the ice
Looking for warmth
And wanting to grow
But being crushed
By the very caretakers
That should love it
But can’t
Because a misguided attempt
To make it something
It doesn’t want to be
Beautiful
Beautiful by their own definition
Not the only one that matters

[CaptainTux]

Forgive me, but I am about to hijack your thread and deliver on a promiose I made months ago to tell you which ones I relate to. Would do it through PM, but this is easier. 'Sides, you bared your soul...so I guess it is fair.

[CaptainTux]

Originally Posted by julix

I have written some poems and wanted to get feedback from you all.....Let me know what you think



1)
As I sit alone
the house so quite
and calm
I wonder
who am I?
What do I need to do?
so many years of pretending
now it comes to this
one moment of truth
where I step in the spotlight
and see what I am made of

Maybe we are not 15 anymore, but the lesson is true. It was when I was alone in the house and Jess was visiting her mamma that one night silence gripped me. I had the freedom to do what I wanted, but I had no idea what that was. I had pretended to be happy for so long and appeased other people. I lost myself. I had been pretending for so long and had so many masks that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. To be 34 and have that thought was terrifying.

[CaptainTux]

Originally Posted by julix

1)
A soul that wanders through time
seeking to be filled
but finding emptiness
perhaps a mistake
no where to fit in
nothing that feels right
only a glimpse
of a parallel life
which can not exist
the torment is real
the searching continues
like a hungry beast
that needs to find food
for it's survival
Ravonous and wild
finding only desolation
with no way
to feel satisfied


2)
I long for the day
when the grief
has become quiet
when the giant
will sleep forever
but for now I see
I must continue on
try to do what I must
the pain, the hurt
so great there
is no relief
only struggle
only a journey
I am forced into
and afraid to take



3)
What cost must I pay?
What price to be released?
From a cell that has no bars
A prison with no key
many days of pushing away
the thoughts and emotions
only to have them return
with a vengence
overwhelming my mind
into silence

Now remember, we are not talking exact parallels here, but there are reflections.
#1 I have often felt like I see all my friends and associates through a long tunnel or a fishbowl. There is some kind of barrier that prohibits me from being truly joined with them and they seem to be a community. I am in a crowd....alone.

It often feels like there is a weight or somehting else in the back of my mind.


#2 In one year I have seen a marriage crumble, two friends die, a young girl get raped by a friend of mine, two get diagnosed with cancer, and a few more have other problems. I want to support them and help them, I want to get through my own problems, but there are some days it felt so heavy and so big...too big. But I had not choice. I had to finish today and face tommorrow. I wanted to enjoy today and not dread the next, but I could not for a time.

#3 What cost must I pay. Tell me what I did, how do get out of it, and make the suffering stop. Been there. Reality, I did nothing. I just let the events of my life dictate my emotions. Ick.

[CaptainTux]

Originally Posted by julix

Too many times
I walk away
afraid to dream
a life without expression
a way of traveling through time
totally numb
the spirit longs to be
free to go anywhere
but is held down
by some unseen enemy
a long-time fear
never to subside
a way to break through
unknown to me

It was thought EXACTLY like this and some tough and true words of honest friendship from a certain two brained cylon that woke me up. This was not the same guy who was known to be able to do anything in college. The one who was fearless. I was mere steps away from being a hermit afraid of all. I went after my dreams with new vigor.

I have wanted to write and speak publicly and change the direction a bit of an industry that needs training. Well, I got three articles under my belt now, several speaking engagements with good reports, and more down the way. Even had me a little feeler from a magazine. All I had to do was get past this poem...not so easy. It consumed me. Wanting more and reaching for it despite setbacks are two different matters.

[CaptainTux]

Originally Posted by julix

There is a wound
so deep it
hits the core
burried and raw
festering
no type of medicine
can heal
the deep twisting
pain within
created long ago
the injury
invisible to all
who gaze at me
the hole deep inside is
undetetable
but ever present
a constant torment
which never retreats
The pain of living a
life unloved
by the most important
person in the world
ME

From the age of nine to the age of thirteen my mother was married to a man who liked beating us. I broke the chain and the rules of what normally happens to adult chidren of abuse. I never was cruel to Jen, I was and am a good father to my daughter, I went to college, I was able to hold jobs...but somewhere deep inside, this little boy sat in a closet with bruises thinking he was nothing. Thinking this was the fate he deserved. Thinking he will amount to nothing. Overall, I have beaten that, but there are days where that wound still makes me my own wost enemy.

[CaptainTux]

Further personal reflections will have to wait for another time. Sorry. I have to take care of some Christmas matters! Whee!

[julix]

Captain,
thanks for the feedback. I am glad you felt like you could share it. I also can't tell you what it means to me when people say they relate or feel things when reading my peoms. It is such a wonderful feeling, thank you!

[julix]

A road
A special night
Filled with wonder
And delight
My children’s eyes sparkling
A vison of a memory
A thought strikes me
Sudden pain
Again the grief
Washes over the hole
In my heart
The hole that has never healed
Surrounded by family
And feeling the pain
But not being able to acknowledge it
It gets pushed down…
Down deep
Where it remains
Until I am alone in the dark
Shaking
Crying
In fear
Just like the little girl
Who used to cry herself to sleep.

[The 14th Colony]

Originally Posted by julix

A road
A special night
Filled with wonder
And delight
My children’s eyes sparkling
A vison of a memory
A thought strikes me
Sudden pain
Again the grief
Washes over the hole
In my heart
The hole that has never healed
Surrounded by family
And feeling the pain
But not being able to acknowledge it
It gets pushed down…
Down deep
Where it remains
Until I am alone in the dark
Shaking
Crying
In fear
Just like the little girl
Who used to cry herself to sleep.

I hear you loud and clear.

[captmiloman]

Originally Posted by julix

I have written some poems and wanted to get feedback from you all.....Let me know what you think



1)
As I sit alone
the house so quite
and calm
I wonder
who am I?
What do I need to do?
so many years of pretending
now it comes to this
one moment of truth
where I step in the spotlight
and see what I am made of



2)
Happiness an elusive dream
floating through my fingers
so often slipping away
like a whim
sometimes I try to chase it
or squeeze it to get it to stay
sometimes I hold on too tight
or shy away
sometimes I don't even try
at all, but then there is
no hope...and I am not ready to
live a life without hope
So I continue to dream


3)
I was outside; it was snowing
I was alone and it was so cold
So long ago it seemed.
The snow fell freely around me
The flakes were so beautiful and unique
So light and innocent, without a doubt.
How gently they floated down to the earth.
I reached out and tried to hold the memories
But like the snow flakes the memories melted away.


So what do you think?I had one of these published in the school newspaper
when I was fifteen.

I can relate to the first poem. Great job, Julix.

[julix]

Hey Captmiloman

Thanks for the feedback, I honestly didn't see it untill today

[amberstar]

I love them sis!
#1 is my fave

[julix]

Originally Posted by amberstar

I love them sis!
#1 is my fave

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) miss ya Sis......

hello

[julix]

The pain hits me once more
unexpected and unwelcome
waves crashing over my body
again and again
pain and fear
trembling together
shaking
thoughts and emotions
I can't stop
or understand
my head and heart
breaking
suffering
suffering
no end to it
untill
I make myself stop
I put it away
in a box inside myself
where there is no key
to lock it up
where it unleashes
when it wants to
where it wants to

[julix]

there is neither
time nor space where
grief ends
it continues to
be a part
of me
welcome or not
it has become
what it will
perhaps
a space to
coexist

[julix]

my daughter who is 10 just wrote this poem for me....

I see her
Whenever we bring it up,
Darkness fills the room
I dread every moment
we get
When the two halves
Of the heart
Were together,
Heaven
When two
Halves of the
Heart break
Nothing is in
Balance
My Grandfather
And Mom


this emoticon is from her!!!!!

[julix]

this is a poem written by my 10 year old daughter


I see her
Whenever we bring it up,
Darkness fills the room
I dread every moment
we get
When the two halves
Of the heart
Were together,
Heaven
When two
Halves of the
Heart break
Nothing is in
Balance
My Grandfather
And Mom

this emoticon is from her