Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

An economics professor at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, TX...

... said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. The majority of that class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged, everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too, so they studied little. The second Test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed to their great surprise and the professor told them that socialism would ultimately fail because the harder to succeed the greater the reward but when a government takes all the reward away, no one will try or succeed.

-- the problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples' money. Margaret Thatcher

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

Easy Economy Fix

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I thought this was the BEST idea.....

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President, Patriotic retirement:

There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations:

1. They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2. They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3. They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

Can't get any easier than that!

[Damocles]

Income taxes are normally due on April 15th...

... unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm.

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

[Damocles]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Governor's Mansion...

...in Springfield, Illinois; One from Chicago, another from Tennessee, & a third from Kentucky. They all go with to examine the fence. The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to and whispers, '$2,700.'

The Governor is incredulous and whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Chicago contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies . And that my friends, is how it all works in Illinois politics!!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

[Damocles]

When a company falls on difficult times...

...., one of the things that seems to happen are they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

I feel our government should not be immune from similar risks. I therefore am recommending the following cuts to be implemented by the next president elect.

Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%. Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some yearly monetary gains include:

* $44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)
* $97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
* $240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
* $7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to jump on a train for home this week when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

* $ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
* $282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
* $150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
* $ 59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
* $ 37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
* $ 7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
* $ 8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

[Damocles]

To All My Democrat Friends and others:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns...

... American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

[Damocles]

Over the past eight years Bush has provided us with endless amusement...

... as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are twenty favorites.

* "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005
* "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000
* "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000
* "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000
* "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000
* "I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000
* "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002
* "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001
* "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000
* "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002
* "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002
* "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004
* "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002
* "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002
* "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004
* "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000
* "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004
* "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000
* "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000
* "They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.

[Damocles]

On television today, one of Obama's handlers pointed out ...

...that when Obama holds a rally 25 - 30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds a rally he only draws 10 -15,000 people.

The Republican spokesman replied, 'That's because McCain's supporters are at work.'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers...

... that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

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A group of refugees from Somalia arrive in Australia...

..., and after processing are allowed to wander in the streets of one of our sun-drenched, safe, hospitable cities. They cannot believe how wonderful it all is, so, in their limited English, they stop a passerby and thank him for allowing then into his country.

“Not mine, “he replies, “I’m from new Zealand.”

A bit puzzled, they say the same thing to the next pedestrian, who tells them that he’s an aborigine, and it’s not his country any more.

Then a huge woman from Tonga laughs at them, saying not to worry whose country it is, everything’s free. Refugees get all they need from the government.

The next person explains he’s from Africa, it’s not his country either, but it is true everything seems to be free for refugees. Finally they ask a very elderly woman, who admits she is Australian, and lives on the pension. When they tell her that she’s the first Australian they’ve met, apart from the officials, and ask here where the young people are, she tells them they’re either at work, looking for work, looking to score, and would they themselves be interested in some home-grown hash?

It’s a great country

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

[Damocles]

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The Conservative Palinguage Guide

* If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a "token hire."
* If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a "game changer."

* If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you’re a "baby daddy."
* If you’re the same in Alaska you’re a "teen father." (Actually, according to your own MySpace page you’re an F’n redneck that don’t want any kids, but that’s too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).

* Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America.
* White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."

* If you grow up in Hawaii you’re "exotic."
* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential "American story."

* Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you’re "unpatriotic."
* Name your kid Track, you’re "colorful."

* If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual you’re "reckless."
* A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a "maverick."

* If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime I’m really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady.
* If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you "First Dude."

* A DUI from twenty years ago is "old news."
* A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is "relevant information."

* If you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer you’re a "questionable spouse."
* If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know what that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!

* If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a "phoney."
* Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re "well loved."

* If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
* If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you’re "one of us."

* If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a "terrorist fist jab."
* If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).

* If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you’re an "extremist."
* If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you’re a "fundamentalist."

* If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you’re "uppity."
* If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).

* If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it’s just "empty rhetoric."
* If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that’s "red meat."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

[Damocles]

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Pending Legislation AWNAA Act

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favours to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

Submitted by Dave from The People's Republic of Bolder, Co.

[Damocles]

I Have to Pass a Urine Test for My Job... So I Agree 100%.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that pay check, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

[Damocles]

Something to think about: "How To Save the Government $5 Million!"

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, lasting until he is 80 years old.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80:

1. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension, as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
2. Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms, so would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore, it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

Now, how's that for non-partisan thinking???

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md

[Damocles]

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic Hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

Submitted by my Little Brother Bill, Ardmore, Pa.


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Irish outlook on election

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.

On the other side,

you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola Fl.


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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.


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Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate...

... is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

Then, little Bobby Joe, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.


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Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant...

... who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the barracks and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed


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The Truth is at hand. Words of greater wisdom here

* Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
* I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
* A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw
* A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
* Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
* Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
* Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
* Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)
* Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
* I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
* If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
* In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
* Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
* Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown
* The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
* The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
* The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
* The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820- 1903)
* There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
* What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
* A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.


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How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...

* When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
* He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
* Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
* He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
* He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
* Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
* The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
* At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
* Everyone else pays his bills.
* His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
* His dog is named "Bugsy".
* All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
* His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
* His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
* His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
* Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
* His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
* His headquarters is in a high-rise.
* He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
* After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing.
* His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
* His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
* He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
* He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
* You only see him in the district around election time.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois


Return to: Top of Page, Political Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes
Today’s youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.

Here are some tips to help them:

* There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Top’s Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
* You vote by ballot at a polling place, you don’t have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
* * Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isn’t the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
* Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isn’t a rap star’s name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
* Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isn’t a civics or constitution test. It isn’t a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you haven’t any intelligence.
* Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isn’t a video game and don’t search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batman’s Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
* Don’t call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
* No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. It’s only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois


Return to: Top of Page, Political Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- March 29, 2008

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Ms Rice was present to explain the email to him.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of something."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

WalMart has expressed interest in him as a greeter position. This position was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his vacant smile.

P.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will be taken on a quail hunting trip by a group of homeless people for his last day on the job.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

[Damocles]

Irish outlook on election

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.

On the other side,

you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola Fl.

[Damocles]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

[Damocles]

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate...

... is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

Then, little Bobby Joe, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, stop clapping!'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Not only was the lie called, but the lack of common sense exposed. A politician has to be careful before he tries to indoctrinate the voter. Some of us will eat him alive.

[Damocles]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant...

... who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the barracks and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

[Damocles]

The Truth is at hand. Words of greater wisdom here

* Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
* I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
* A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw
* A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
* Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
* Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
* Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
* Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)
* Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
* I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
* If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
* In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
* Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
* Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown
* The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
* The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
* The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
* The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820- 1903)
* There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
* What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
* A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...

* When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
* He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
* Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
* He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
* He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
* Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
* The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
* At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
* Everyone else pays his bills.
* His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
* His dog is named "Bugsy".
* All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
* His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
* His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
* His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
* Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
* His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
* His headquarters is in a high-rise.
* He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
* After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing.
* His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
* His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
* He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
* He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
* You only see him in the district around election time.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

[Damocles]

Today’s youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.

Here are some tips to help them:

* There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Top’s Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
* You vote by ballot at a polling place, you don’t have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
* * Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isn’t the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
* Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isn’t a rap star’s name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
* Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isn’t a civics or constitution test. It isn’t a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you haven’t any intelligence.
* Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isn’t a video game and don’t search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batman’s Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
* Don’t call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
* No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. It’s only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

[Damocles]

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- March 29, 2008

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Ms Rice was present to explain the email to him.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 1, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of something."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

WalMart has expressed interest in him as a greeter position. This position was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his vacant smile.

P.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will be taken on a quail hunting trip by a group of homeless people for his last day on the job.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

[Damocles]

Tired of his low approval ratings, the President called up the head of the CIA...

... and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

[Damocles]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those nitwits deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

[Damocles]

I was traveling in 'Blue State' when a tire on my car blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, 'Need a lift?'

'Yes, I sure do,' I replied.

'You a Republican or Democrat,' asked the old man.

'Republican,' I replied.

'Well, you can just go to Hell,' yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, 'Republican.'

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

'Democrat!', I shouted.

'Hop in!', replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, 'Please stop the car.'

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

'What's the matter?', she asked.

'I can't take it anymore,' I replied. 'I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to do over somebody!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.


Return to: Top of Page, Political Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear." Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?" ;

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

[Damocles]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant!

She is furious. Here she just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Submitted by Chris, Emmitsburg, Md.

[Damocles]

In a news conference Deanna Favre, wife of Green Bay Packer ...

... future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday.

She claimed she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. Because of this she understands how to pick up a corner blitz and knows the terminology of the Packers offense. A poll of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound idiotic and unbelievable to you?

Yet Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.