Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

LAWYER vs DOCTOR

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"

Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."

[Damocles]

TECHNICAL SUPPORT REQUEST

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the
command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.

Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

[Damocles]

Digging In The Garden

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your @#$%&*@#$%&* cat."

[Damocles]

The Fighting Irish

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with O'Riley," he sheepishly responded.

"O'Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. O'Riley" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing she is, but not much use in a fight."

[Damocles]

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Damocles]

THE TWINS LOSS

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out
of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the
grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split
right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

[Damocles]

CIA VACANCY

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2
men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this
job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot
her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not
the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the
same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this
is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another
for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several
minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the
gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Damocles]

HELPFUL CHINESE PHRASES

English Phrase - Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.
I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

[Damocles]

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars
for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner
and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in
back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you
in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and
twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during
step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat
of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter)
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

[Damocles]

THE BROWN PAPER COWBOY

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's
attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

[Damocles]

NEW SPIELBERG MOVIE

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama
about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so
he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,
Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

[Damocles]

JUDGING CHILI

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks
are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: felgercarb! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any
oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Damocles]

AGE IMPAIRED DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Neither could barely
see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The top light
was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran
through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh no, am I driving?

[Damocles]

Political jokes.

[Damocles]

Question and answer politician jokes
Q: How do you break a politician supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and' politician hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If the average politicians were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, They might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

[Damocles]

Q: Why doesn't a barber cut a politician's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about a politician?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

[Damocles]

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put an Anerican politician in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a politician's wife and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

[Damocles]

Q: How does a politician say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell a politician apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

[Damocles]

Q: How can you tell a politician from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."

[Damocles]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A politician doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets Congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames the opposition and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

[Damocles]

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they sent their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Someone ate all the jellybeans.

[Damocles]

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They had turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because a certain politician "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were a politician and his daughters doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughters a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

[Damocles]

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that every politician wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did the politician and his wife meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

[Damocles]

Q: How can you tell when a politician is lying?
A: Only his supporters are too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when a politician is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do a politician and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

[Damocles]

Q: What does politician do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when politician is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's a politician's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

[Damocles]

Q: What's a politician's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a politician sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

[Damocles]

Q: Did you hear that the politician had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it looks like him, a giant turkey!

Q: Why is that politician called "middle of the road"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is the politician's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

[Damocles]

Q: If two politicians jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How did the politician get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If the Congress took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

[Damocles]

Q: Why is that politician diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does the Speaker of the House look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why did the politician send his daughters to a private school?
A: If he sent them to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

[Damocles]

Q: What do the current senator and our dead senator have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when the politician got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into his wife!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate the new President's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!