Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

MESSAGE FROM OUTER SPACE

ALIENS CONTACT NASA: "QUIT SENDING US YOUR STUPID JUNK"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - History was changed forever yesterday when
NASA received a transmission from an alien species. The brief
message, addressed to "abuse@NASA.gov," read simply:

Humans --

Please discontinue sending stupid unsolicited transmissions
and debris to us. We have received several metallic craft
bearing objects, crude drawings, and disks which play noises
when scratched with crystal-tipped needles. We don't know
who "Bach" is, but tell him for us that he should consider
another profession. Honestly, we receive thousands of
unsolicited transmissions and craft from societies such as
yourself to the point where they become a great nuisance,
so discontinue this practice immediately or we will be forced
to report you to your information provider or, more simply,
blow up your stupid planet and all your stupid life-forms.
Send your junk to the Gezor -- they have all the class and
intelligence of stewed clazin.

Regards,
Elinzoa Glppaducc
Information Processing Coordinator
The Shati-Makal

NASA immediately cancelled plans to send up a time capsule
containing a CD of the Ricky Martin hit, "Livin' La Vida Loca",
and a VHS copy of "Friends."

[Damocles]

NEW KIND OF CAR

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever
happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car."
his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a
Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."

[Damocles]

REFRIGERATOR

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the
table for dinner.

I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque
picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young
woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained
20!"

[Damocles]

Batchelor Cookbook

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

[Damocles]

THE ENVELOPES

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his
new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me
first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and
is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing."

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to
its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and
opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for
everything."

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job
is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new
envelopes."

[Damocles]

The Watch

Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

[Damocles]

FIRST WEDDING

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

[Damocles]

EDUCATED DOG

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out
of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around
with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, no; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Damocles]

GET RICH SCHEME

Caution: This is not for the clumsy.....

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

[Damocles]

THE EXCUSE

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because
after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."

[Damocles]

FANQUEVALLEMUD

New word for the day - "Fanquevallemud"

Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the
following conversation...Read aloud for best results.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a hotel in Asia.....

Room Service(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
Guest(G): "Yes......"

RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G): "What??"

(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G): "Crisp will be fine."

(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G): "What?"

(RS): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C'
means."

(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"

(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be
fine."

(RS): "Copy?"
(G): "Sorry?"

(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits P bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..
wite??"
(G): "Well....Whatever you say"

(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G): "You're welcome"

[Damocles]

THE LETTER FROM DAD

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your mother out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love
Dad

[Damocles]

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Damocles]

CHRISTMAS AT TOMMY'S

Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.

Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends
and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the
conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can
keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.

He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he
chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a
mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.

Tommy grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the
uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the
twenty.

Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy
chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but
doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Tommy.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.

Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the
first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game
fifteen more times?"

[Damocles]

THE CENSUS TAKER

Five and half year-old Jennie answered the door when the census taker came
by.

She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home
because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little
girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Oh, Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks straight up. Of course, that
doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

[Damocles]

Adopted Children

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Damocles]

THE LIVESTOCK SALE

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for
selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the
houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.

When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were
outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am," replied the man.

"Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said.
"Which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."

"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.

The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken."

[Damocles]

CANNIBALS

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and
get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a
path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son
said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

[Damocles]

AUTO ACCIDENTS

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[Damocles]

WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender
association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English,
of course, words are of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better
model.

Which gender is yours?

[Damocles]

THE CONSTRUCTION SITE

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"

[Damocles]

BEVERLEY HILLS SHOPPING

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah,
sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by
on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave.

On Monday, Sam returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There
wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"

[Damocles]

THE YETI

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the
Himalayas.

Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less
frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the
mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large
manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed
them, "One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under
any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the
slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the
dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent
entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous
eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the
explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti
in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let
out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the
slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could
take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see
the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the
mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.
After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft
'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to
see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of
miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and
pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The
journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after
his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking
transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he
saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at
great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly
bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to
Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the
next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London
home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He
had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window
when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running
down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti
had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any
means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti,
but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before
the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from
there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run
but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end
the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally
stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the
last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up
with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who
could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked
the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and
with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag!"

[Damocles]

MISSING HUSBAND

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement
to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?
Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to
prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

[Damocles]

HONEY MY LOVE

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about ten years ago."

[Damocles]

Small Town Pullover

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom"

[Damocles]

Easy To Operate On

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable."

[Damocles]

The Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

[Damocles]

Drunk In A Hotel

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[Damocles]

THE UGLIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"