Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

GOOD CANARY SINGER

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

[Damocles]

PET SHOP PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

[Damocles]

THE AIRLINES

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

[Damocles]

EXPENSIVE PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

[Damocles]

SPIRITUAL (?) PARROT

A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"

[Damocles]

FRIGID PARROT

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

[Damocles]

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

[Damocles]

Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

[Damocles]

Mean Parrot
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[Damocles]

Rude Parrot
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude.

Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions."

"I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions."

"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Damocles]

Jungle Belles
"Rubbing on my perch,"
"Is no way to procreate,"
"I want a willing hen,"
"Please be here by eight!"
"My hormones are inflamed,"
"The nest box is all right,"
"Come sing a bawdy birdy song,"
"And boink with me tonight!"
"Ohhh, Jungle Belles, Jungle Belles,"
"Let's go all the way,"
"Do the Dance of Joy with me"
"And lay some eggs today, HEY!"

[Damocles]

Quiet Parrot
A lady desiring companionship bought a parrot from a local pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she asked for a guarantee that it would talk and was assured that it would.

She took the parrot home. Then, a week and a half later, she returned to the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned yet again.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing." So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

[Damocles]

I'm Dreaming Of A Bright Christmas
"I'm dreaming of a bright Christmas."
"Full spectrum lighting all aglow."
"Psittacines do need this,"
"For vitamin-D synthesis,"
"Birds need more photons, don't you know."

[Damocles]

Costly Parrot
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[Damocles]

Smart Parrot
A guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

[Damocles]

:On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.

:On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.

:On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot.

:On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot.

:On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them.

:On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke.

:On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...

[Damocles]

Christmas jokes.


Oh Christmas Tree
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"
"Your branches are inviting me."
"I'll climb real high, above the room."
"I'll dominate, and then I'll zoom."
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"
"Your needles really tickle me!"

[Damocles]

Away In A Nest Box
"Away in a nest box,"
"Pine chips for a bed,"
"A little lone Ringneck,"
"Lays down his sweet head."
"A mouse from the meadow,"
"Tried to join in this space,"
"But Mom and Dad Ringneck"
"Just chewed off his face."

[Damocles]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!" She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[Damocles]

Up On The Cage Top
"Up on the cage top,"
"Food I seek,"
"Thrown there by a mad Caique."
"Bits of spaghetti,"
"Pretty Bird, too,"
"And a lump of greenish goo."

[Damocles]

Pepper Claws Is Coming To Town
"He's charging my hand,"
"He's biting it twice!"
"Kodiak says: 'Aww, that's not nice!'"
"Pepper Claws is coming to town."
"He's always on a diet."
"He's grumpy, that's a fact."
"But he's been known to sing a song,"
"While swinging in a sack!"

[Damocles]

Subject: Parrot.
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

[Damocles]

Brawwwk The Hungry Parrots Sing
"Brawwwk the hungry parrots sing,"
"Here's our list of treats to bring."
"Chunks of fruit and vegetables nigh,"
"And a piece of pizza pie."

[Damocles]

Subject: Cruise Parrot.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[Damocles]

Oh Come All Ye Hybrids
"Oh come all ye hybrids,"
"Ye mixtures and ye crossbreeds."
"Oh come ye, oh come ye,"
"Chaotic DNA"

[Damocles]

Subject: Christmas Parrot.
A woman visited her pet shop to buy a rare Christmas parrot.
The pet shop owner explained that the strings attached to it's legs were to signal it to sing.
By pulling on the left string, the parrot sang Jingle Bells.
By pulling on the right string, the parrot sang White Christmas.
The woman asked "what would happen if I pulled both strings at once?"
The parrot replied "I'd fall of my perch!"

[Damocles]

Subject: Entertaining Parrot.
A man went into a pub and said to the landlord "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots"
"Oh yes" says the landlord "how are you going to do that?"
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
"That's amazing" says the landlord "have you got anything else?"
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar.
The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the pub is amazed and stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.
The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks.
The man shook his head. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the landlord.
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for 50 pounds" the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only fifty pounds"
"No I'm not" the man replied "the hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

[Damocles]

Subject: Another Parrot Joke.
A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently as he could when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".
He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.
A minute went by and he heard nothing, so he started to move again. "Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.
His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage in the corner containing a parrot.
"Was that you talking bird?"
The parrot said "yes"
"What's your name little bird?"
"Clarence", the parrot said.
"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.
The parrot said, "The same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!

[Damocles]

Subject: Sassy Parrot.
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Damocles]

Subject: Cheap Parrot.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"