Clean joke of the day.

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Fore, or forrard Toward the front end of the ship.
Flogging Punishment by caning, or by whipping with the cat.
Hands The crew of a ship; sailors.

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Handsomely Quickly. "Handsomely now, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Jack Ketch The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.
Jollyboat A small but happy craft, perhaps even one which is a little dinghy.

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Jolly Roger The pirates' skull-and-crossbones flag. It was an invitation to surrender, with the implication that those who surrendered would be treated well. A red flag indicated "no quarter."
Keelhaul Punishment by dragging under the ship, from one side to the other. The victim of a keelhauling would be half-drowned, or worse, and lacerated by the barnacles that grew beneath the ship.

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Kiss the gunner's daughter A punishment: to be bent over one of the ship's guns and flogged.
Lad, lass, lassie A way to address someone younger than you.
Landlubber or just lubber A non-sailor.

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Lights Lungs. A pirate might threaten to "have someone's lights and liver."
Line A rope in use as part of the ship's rigging, or as a towing line. When a rope is just coiled up on deck, not yet being used for anything, it's all right to call it a rope.
Lookout Someone posted to keep watch on the horizon for other ships or signs of land.

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Maroon A common punishment for violation of a pirate ship's articles, or offending her crew. The victim was left on a deserted coast (or, island) with few supplies. That way, no one could say that the unlucky pirate had actually been killed by his former brethren.
Me A piratical way to say "my."
Me hearties Typical way for a pirate leader to address his crew.
Matey A piratical way to address someone in a cheerful, if not necessarily friendly, fashion.

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No quarter! Surrender will not be accepted.
Piece of eight A Spanish silver coin worth one peso or 8 reales. It was sometimes literally cut into eight pieces, each worth one real.
Pillage To raid, rob, and sack a target ashore.

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Pirate A seagoing robber and murderer. Contrast with privateer.
Poop deck The highest deck at the aft end of a large ship. Smaller ships don't have a poop; the highest part aft is the quarterdeck.
Poxy, poxed Diseased. Used as an insult.

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Rope's end Another term for flogging. "Ye'll meet the rope's end for that, me bucko!"
Rum (noun) Traditional pirate drink.
Rum (adjective) Strange or odd. A "rum fellow" is a peculiar person, the sort who won't say "Arrrr!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day.

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Sail ho! "I see a ship!" The sail, of course, is the first part of a ship visible over the horizon.
Salt, old salt An experienced seaman.
Scurvy (1) A deficiency disease caused by lack of vitamin C, often afflicting sailors;
(2) A derogatory adjective for an epithet, as in "Ye scurvy dogs!"

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Sea dog An experienced seaman.
Shanty Another spelling for "chantey" - a sea song.
Shark bait (1) Your foes, who are about to feed the fish (q.v.).
(2) A worthless or lazy sailor; a lubber who is no use aboard ship.

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Shiver me timbers! An expression of surprise or strong emotion.
Sink me! An expression of surprise.
Smartly Quickly. "Smartly there, men!" = "Hurry up!"
Splice the mainbrace To have a drink. Or, perhaps, several drinks.

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Spyglass A telescope.
Starboard The right side of the ship when you are facing toward her prow.
Sutler A merchant in port, selling what a ship needed for supplies and repairs.

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Swab (noun) A disrespectful term for a seaman. "Man that gun, ye cowardly swabs!"
Swab (verb) To clean something. "Swabbing the decks" would be a mild penalty for a disobedient pirate.
Swag Loot.

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Wench An individual of the female persuasion. "Saucy" is a good adjective to add to this, and if ye can get away with "Me proud beauty,” more power to ye!
Yo-ho-ho A very piratical thing to say, whether it actually means anything or not.

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pirate- To make an attempt, or to complete an attack on a ship. A thief of the seas, or oceans. Violence used to steal (by force) the property of another vessel in order to steal gold/treasure.

privateer- An armed vessel sailing under the commission of a sovereign power against the enemy.

buccaneer- A piratical adventurer of the sea. A person who plunders at the sea, or land from the sea.

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mariner- One whose responsibility it is to help in navigating a vessel.

merchant ship- A ship that is involved in trade/commerce. A cargo ship.

galleon- A large square masted vessel of the 1500's used for war, or commerce.

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booty- Goods obtained illegally. Spoils obtained as a result of war or battle.

bounty- Reward or payment, usually from a government, for the capture of a criminal.

loot- Gold, money, or other goods obtained illegally

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plunder- The act of pillaging or robbery.

cutlass- A short, heavy, single edged sword, once used predominantly by sailors.

mutiny- To rise against authority, particularly a naval or military power.

maroon-to isolate. Sailors would leave mutinous shipmates on deserted islands, without any means of survival.

jolly roger- Typically a black flag bearing drawn white bones; indicates a pirate ship

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GOLFING PARROT

A golfer took a vacation in Florida. He was a big bettor and always had at least $500 riding on each round. He asked at the pro shop if there was anyone around who liked a little competition, and the pro introduced him to a man named Joe.

"Is Joe a good golfer?" the man asked when Joe left to get his clubs.

"He doesn’t look that good but he always seems to win his matches," the pro replied.

The man met Joe on the first tee, and they agreed to play for $500. On the first tee, Joe hooked his drive into the water, and the vacationer won the hole. On the next hole, Joe topped his drive and then shanked his second shot into the trees. The man won that hole, too. On the next tee Joe took off his hat and scratched his head. When he did that, a big parrot flew up and lighted in a nearby tree. "Want to double the bet?" Joe asked.

"Sure," the vacationer said, already counting his winnings as he stepped up to the tee. On the top of his back swing, the parrot made a noise like a train whistle, and the vacationer wiffed the ball and lost the hole. On the next hole, which required a second shot over a pond, the vacationer selected his iron when the parrot said, "Five iron’s too much." The player changed to a six and hit it into the water. While the man was putting on one hole, the parrot said, "It breaks to the left," but the putt broke right. The man missed it to go three down. By the 18th hole, the vacationer was ten down to Joe and glaring at the bird.

"What do I need to do to get rid of that lousy parrot?" he said to nobody in particular.

"Just pay me $100 more than Joe does," the bird said.

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GUARD PARROT

A postal carrier is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The mailman opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

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Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Chirpes: A canarial disease...no tweetment.

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MAMA'S GIFTS

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

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POLITICAL PARROT

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

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GOING, GOING, GONE!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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BRUTUS

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

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COURTEOUS PARROT

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

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CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT

A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

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SPEEDING DRUNK

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.