Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Ode to spell checkers

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

[Damocles]

Computer used too long
You know you have been on the computer too long when...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.

[Damocles]

Bought a bad computer
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

[Damocles]

Internet addictions
Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Diagnostic Criteria

(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction

(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet

(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.

(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:

(a) psychomotor agitation

(b) anxiety

(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet

(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet

(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers

(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning

(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended

(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use

(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials

(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.

(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others

[Damocles]

Ethical software group
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York, NJ, Nov. 11 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.

PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.

[Damocles]

Internet highway blues
The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.

My cellular phone's on the blink.

My fax's gone off to fax heaven,

And Pay For View stinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.

My email's been revoked.

My modem's stuck at 300 baud,

And my terminal just blinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.

I don't have Video on demand.

I can't read my Personal Newspaper,

And Shop At Home has kinks.

I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.

I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

[Damocles]

The computer prayer
Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

[Damocles]

Surfing the Internet
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face

so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit

I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried

"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

[Damocles]

User song and music
User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")

In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor

Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat

Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake

So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?

Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran

With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string

RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)

...
Yo, bring it on down
...
I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)

-- Kevin Hughes * kevinh@eit.com

[Damocles]

The power of shifting
Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?



A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down now

A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?

A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?

A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.

[Damocles]

AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.

It crashed and burned!

And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...

And keep it off my mind.

It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.

The cashier in electronics was staring at me.

But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd as I began to cry.

I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!

Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.

Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!

Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.

Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

[Damocles]

Microsoft versus GM
Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

===========================

Note that GM is tango uniform.

[Damocles]

[Damocles]

[Damocles]

[Damocles]

Time

Spending too much time on the computer?

Here are some commom indicators:

1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.

18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

Finally:
19. You've read this before.

[Damocles]

Domain names

Make sure you don’t make the same mistake when setting up your web page

It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do
much worse than these people.

Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

https://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

https://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

https://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

https://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:

https://www.molestationnursery.com

[Damocles]

[Damocles]

Password

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

[Damocles]

ID10T

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

A puzzled expression ran over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?"

Susie replied, "No."

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

[Damocles]

Nerd Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

[Damocles]

Girlfriend to wife

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress


Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,
Tech Support.

[Damocles]

Clean Your Mouse

How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls, should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[Damocles]

I've got windows

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."

And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

[Damocles]

Bill Gates house

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. It’s the only way."

Bill: “Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[Damocles]

Stuck On An Island

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.

It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy.

Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else.

He lost all hope and for hours on end and sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man, amazed.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island.

I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.

But, enough of that," she said.
"Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice.

They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home", she said.

"Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied.

"I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean-shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.

He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.

After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship.

You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...

Isn't there something that you really, really miss?

Something that all men and woman need?

Something that would be really nice to have right now...?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, shucking off his shyness.

"There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL?!!?!"

[Damocles]

Printer profile

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[Damocles]

Downturn in the Stoc

Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket...

=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters. => You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day. => U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par. => Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones. => Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets. => Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.

[Damocles]

Computer Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:

Your 1.3 GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3 GB.

AT&T VIRUS:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:

Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:

Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:

It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congressional virus.

DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS:

Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT

L.A.P.D. VIRUS:

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

[Damocles]

Tech line

The prime minister of India was at the White House.

One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'

'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'