Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Possible IBM acronyms
IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

[Damocles]

Computer help stories
This article is from the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994: Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Llines, and No Qquestion Seems To Be Too Basic

AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.

Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language.

"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.

The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."

Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.

And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.

Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.

Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background

There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.

"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.

[Damocles]

Architect programmer
If architects had to work like programmers . . .

Dear Mr. Architect,

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

[Damocles]

New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?

[Damocles]

The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

[Damocles]

Programming language acronyms
ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance

BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion

C: Crud
C: Confusing

COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics

FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland

LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses

PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

[Damocles]

Real opcodes

AAC Alter All Commands
AAD Alter All Data
AAO Add And Overflow
AAR Alter At Random
AB Add Backwards
ABC AlphaBetize Code
ABR Add Beyond Range
ACC Advance CPU Clock
ACDC Allow Controller to Delete Contents
ACDP Allow Controller to Die Peacefully
ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time
ADB Another Dumb Bug
AEE Absolve Engineering Errors
AFF Add Fudge Factor
AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
AFP Abnormalize Floating Point
AFR Abort Funny Routine
AFVC Add Finagle's Variable Constant
AGB Add GarBage
AGWA Add and Get Wrong Answer
AI Add Improper
AIB Attack Innocent Bystander
AIB Attack Innocent Bystanders
AISG Access and Improve Student Grade
AMM Add Mayo and Mustard
AMM Answer My Mail
AMS Add Memory to System
ANC ANnoy Consultant
AOI Annoy Operator Immediate
AR Advance Rudely
AR Alter Reality
ARN Add and Reset to Non-zero
ARN Add and Reset to Nonzero
ARZ Add and Reset to Zero
AS Add Sideways
ASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSI
AT Accumulate Trivia
AWP Argue With Programmer
AWTT Assemble With Tinker Toys
BA Branch Anywhere
BAC Branch to Alpha Centauri
BAD Branch And Die
BAD Branch to Auto Destruct
BAF Blow All Fuses
BAH Branch And Hang
BALC Branch And Link Cheeseburger
BAP Branch And Punt
BAW Bells And Whistles
BB Branch on Bug
BBBB Byte Baudy Bit and Branch
BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BBD Branch on Bastille Day
BBI Branch on Burned-out Indicator
BBIL Branch on Burned-out Indicator Light
BBLB Branch on Blinking Light Bulb
BBT Branch on Binary Tree
BBW Branch Both Ways
BCB Burp and Clear Bytes
BCF Branch on Chip box Full
BCIL Branch Creating Infinite Loop
BCR Backspace Card Reader
BCS Branch and Crash System
BCU Be Cruel and Unusual
BD Backspace Disk
BD Branch to Data
BDC Break Down and Cry
BDI Branch to Data Indirect
BDM Branch and Disconnect Memory
BDT Burn Data Tree
BDU Branch on Dense User
BE Branch Everywhere
BEW Branch Either Way
BF Belch Fire
BF Blow Fuse
BF Branch Forever
BFD Branch on Full Disk
BFF Branch and Form Feed
BFM Be Fruitful and Multiply
BH Branch and Hang
BIR Branch Inside Ranch
BIRM Branch on Index Register Missing
BLC Branch and Loop Continuous
BLI Branch and Loop Infinite
BLM Branch, Like, Maybe
BLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, Man
BLP Boot from Line Printer
BLR Branch and Lose Return
BLSH Buy Low, Sell High
BLT Break Little Thing
BM Branch Maybe
BMI Blow up Memory Immediate
BMI Branch on Missing Index
BMI Branch to Muncee Immediate
BMP Branch and Make Popcorn
BMR Branch Multiple Registers
BMUS Beam Me Up, Scotty
BNA Branch to Nonexistant Address
BNCB Branch and Never Come Back
BNL Become a Neo-Luddite
BNR Branch for No Reason
BOB Branch On Bug
BOD Beat On Disk
BOD Branch on Operator Desperate
BOH Branch On Humidity
BOH Branch on Operator High
BOHP Bribe Operator for Higher Priority
BOI Byte Operator Immediately
BOP Boot OPerator
BOT Branch On Tree
BPB Branch on Program Bug
BPDI Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
BPIM Bury Programmer In Manuals
BPL Branch PLease
BPM Become a Psych Major
BPO Branch on Power Off
BPO Branch on Power On
BPP Branch and Pull the Plug
BR Byte and Run
BRA Branch to Random Address
BRB BRanch on Beaver
BRH BRanch and Hang
BRI BRanch Indefinitely
BRL BRanch and Leak
BRO BRanch and Overheat
BRO BRanch to Oblivion
BS Behave Strangely
BSC Branch on Second Coming
BSC Burst Selector Channel
BSD BackSpace Disk
BSI Back up Sewer Immediate
BSI Backup Sewer Immediately
BSM Branch and Scramble Memory
BSO Branch on Sleepy Operator
BSP BackSpace Punch
BSR Branch and Stomp Registers
BSS Branch on SunSpot
BSST BackSpace and Stretch Tape
BTD Branch on Time of Day
BTD Byte The Dust
BTI Blow Trumpet Immediately
BTJ Branch and Turn Japanese
BTO Branch To Oblivion
BTW Branch on Third Wednesday
BU Branch Unexpectedly
BUTI Blow Up Terminal Immediately
BVS Branch and Veer South
BW Branch on Whim
BWC Branch When Convenient
BWF Busy, Wait Forever
BWOP BeWilder OPerator
BYDS Beware Your Dark Side
BYTE BYte TEst
CAC Calling All Cars
CAC Cash And Carry
CAF Convert ASCII to Farsii
CAI Corrupt Accounting Information
CAIL Crash After I Leave
CAR Cancel Accounts Receivable
CAT Confused And Tired
CB Consult Bozo
CBA Compare and Branch Anyway
CBBR Crash and Blow Boot Read-only memory
CBNC Close, But No Cigar
CBS Clobber BootStrap
CC Call Calvery
CC Compliment Core
CCB Chocolate Chip Byte-mode
CCB Consult Crystal Ball
CCC Crash if Carry Clear
CCCP Conditionally Corrupt Current Process
CCD Choke Cough and Die
CCD Clear Core and Dump
CCR Change Channels at Random
CCS Chinese Character Set
CCWR Change Color of Write Ring
CD Complement Disk
CDC Clear Disk and Crash
CDC Close Disk Cover
CDIOOAZ Calm Down, It's Only Ones And Zeroes
CDS Change Disk Speed
CEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User space
CEX Call EXterminator
CF Come From [replaces goto]
CFE Call Field Engineer
CFP Change and Forget Password
CFS Corrupt File Structure
CG Convert to Garbage
CH Create Havoc
CHCJ Compare Haig to Christine Jorgensen
CHPAMR CHase Pointers Around Machine Room
CHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal
CIB Change Important Byte
CIC Cash In Chips
CID Compare and Ignore Data
CIMM Create Imaginary Memory Map
CIZ Clear If Zero
CLBR CLoBber Register
CLBRI CLoBber Register Immediate
CM Circulate Memory
CMD CPU Melt Down
CMD Compare Meaningless Data
CMI Clobber Monitor Immediate
CML Compute Meaning of Life
CMP Create Memory Prosthesis
CMS Click MicroSwitch
CN Compare Nonsensically
CNB Cause Nervous Breakdown
CNS Call Nonexistent Subroutine
COCS Copy Object Code to Source
COD Crash On Demand
COLB Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
COM Clear Operator's Mind
COMF COMe From
CON Call Operator Now
COS Copy Object code to Source file
COWYHU Come Out With Your Hands Up
CP Compliment Programmer
CP%FKM CPU \(em FlaKeout Mode
CP%WM CPU \(em Weird Mode
CPB Create Program Bug
CPN Call Programmer Names
CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRASH Continue Running After Stop or Halt
CRB CRash and Burn
CRD Confirm Rumor by Denial
CRM CReate Memory
CRM Clear Random Memory
CRN Compare with Random Number
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
CRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt Tape
CS Crash System
CSL Curse and Swear Loudly
CSN Call Supervisor Names
CSNIO Crash System on Next I/O
CSS Crash Subsidiary Systems
CSU Call Self Unconditional
CTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid Record
CTT Call Time and Temperature
CU Convert to Unary
CUC Cheat Until Caught
CVFL ConVert Floating to Logical
CVFP ConVert Fortran to Pascal
CVG ConVert to Garbage
CVU ConVert to Unary
CWAH Create Woman And Hold
CWB Carry With Borrow
CWDC Cut Wires and Drop Core
CWG Chase Wild Goose
CWGK Compare Watt to Genghis Khan
CWIT Compare Watt to Ivan the Terrible
CWM Compare Watt to Mussolini
CWOM Complement Write-Only Memory
CZZC Convert Zone to Zip Code
DA Develop Amnesia
DAB Delete All Bugs
DAC Divide And Conquer
DAD Destroy A-Disk
DAO Divide And Overflow
DAP De-select Active Peripheral
DAUF Delete All Useless Files
DB Drop Bits
DBL Desegregate Bus Lines
DBR DeBase Register
DBTP Drop Back Ten and Punt
DBZ Divide By Zero
DC Degauss Core
DC Divide and Conquer
DCAD Dump Core And Die
DCD Drop Cards Double
DCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to Console
DCI Disk Crash Immediate
DCON Disable CONsle
DCR Double-precision CRash
DCT Drop Cards Triple
DD Destroy Disk
DD Drop Disk
DDC Dally During Calculations
DDOA Drop Dead On Answer
DDS Delaminate Disk Surface
DDT Debug Program
DDWB Deposit Directly in Waste Basket
DEB Disk Eject Both
DEC Decompile Executable Code
DEI Disk Eject Immediate
DEM Disk Eject Memory
DFA Disable FAns
DGO Decrement the Grades of Others
DGT Dispense Gin and Tonic
DHTPL Disk Head Three Point Landing
DIA Develop Ineffective Address
DICE Delete Invalid Customer Engineer
DIE DIsable Everything
DIF DIsable Fuses
DIG DIsable Gravity
DIH Disable Interrupts and Hang
DIRFO Do It Right For Once
DISC DISmount CPU
DK Destroy Klingons
DKP Disavow Knowledge of Programmer
DLN Don't Look Now
DLP Drain Literal Pool
DMAG Do MAGic
DMNS Do what i Mean, Not what i Say
DMP Destroy Memory Protect key
DMPE Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.
DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
DMZ Divide Memory by Zero
DND Destroy Neighbor's Data
DNPG Do Not Pass Go
DO Divide and Overflow
DO Divide and Overflow [IBM PC]
DOC Drive Operator Crazy
DOV Divide and OVerflow
DP Destroy Peripherals
DPC Decrement Program Counter
DPCS Decrement Program Counter Secretly
DPK Destroy storage Protect Key
DPMI Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent
DPN Double Precision No-op
DPR Destroy PRogram
DPS Disable Power Supply
DR Detach Root
DRAF DRAw Flowchart
DRAM Decrement RAM
DRBA Deposit Round-off in my Bank Account
DRD DRop Dead
DRI Disable Random Interrupt
DROM Destroy ROM
DRT Disconnect Random Terminal
DS Deadlock System
DSD Dismount System Disk
DSI Do Something Interesting
DSO Disable System Operator
DSP Degrade System Performance
DSR Detonate Status Register
DSTD Do Something Totally Different
DSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible
DT%FFP DecTape \(em unload and Flappa FlaP
DT%SHO DecTape \(em Spin Hubs Opposite
DTB Destructively Test Bit
DTC Destroy This Command
DTE Decrement Telephone Extension
DTI Do The Impossible
DTRT Do The Right Thing
DTVFL Destroy Third Variable From Left
DU Dump User
DUD Do Until Dead
DW Destroy World
DWIM Do What I Mean
DWIT Do What I'm Thinking
DWIW Do What I Want
EA Enable Anything
EAC Emulate Acoustic Coupler
EAL Enable AC to Logic rack
EAO Enable AC to Operator
EBB Edit and Blank Buffer
EBB Empty Bit Bucket
EBR Erase Before Reading
EBRS Emit Burnt Resistor Smell
EC Eat Card
ECF Explode and Catch Fire
ECL Early Care Lace
ECO Electrocute Computer Operator
ECP Erase Card Punch
ED Eject Disk
ED Execute Data
EDD Eat Disk and Die
EDIT Erase Data and Increment Time
EDP Emulate Debugged Program
EDR Emit Deadly Radiation
EDR Execute Destructive Read
EDS Execute Data Segment
EEOIFNO Execute Every Other Instruction From Now On
EEP Erase Entire Program
EFB Emulate Five-volt Battery
EFD Eject Floppy Disk
EFD Emulate Frisbee using Disk pack
EFE Emulate Fatal Error
EHC Emulate Headless Chicken
EIA Elvis Is Alive
EIAO Execute In Any Order
EIO Erase I/O page
EIO Execute Invalid Op-code
EIO Execute Invalid Opcode
EIOC Execute Invalid Op-Code
EJD EJect Disk
EJD%V EJect Disk \(em with initial velocity V
ELP Enter Loop Permenantly
EM EMulate 407
EM Evacuate Memory
EMIF Erase Most Important File
EMM Emulate More Memory
EMPC EMulate Pocket Calculator
EMSE Edit and Mark Something Else
EMSL Entire Memory Shift Left
EMT Electrocute Maintenance Technician
EMW Emulate Maytag Washer
ENA ENable Anything
ENE ENable Everything
END Erase Neighbor's Data
ENF Emit Noxious Fumes
ENG ENable Gravity
ENO Emulate No-Op
EO Electrocute Operator
EOB Execute Operator and Branch
EOI Explode On Interrupt
EOS Erase Operating System
EP Execute Programmer
EPD Explode Peripheral Device
EPI Execute Programmer Immediate
EPITS Execute Previous Instruction Then Skip
EPL Emulate Phone Line
EPP Eject Printer Paper
EPS Electrostatic Print and Smear
EPS Execute Program Sideways
EPSW Execute Program Status Word
EPT Erase Process Table
EPT Erase Punched Tape
ERIC Eject Random Integrated Circuit
ERM Erase Reserved Memory
EROM Erase Read-Only Memory
EROS Erase Read-Only Storage
EROS Erase Read-Only Storage [Everex int]
ERS Erase Read-only Storage
ESB Eject Selectric Ball
ESC Emulate System Crash
ESD Eject Spinning Dish
ESL Exceed Speed of Light
ESP Enable SPrinkler system
ETI Execute This Instruction
ETM Emulate Trinary Machine
ETPH E. T. Phone Home
EVC Execute Verbal Commands
EWD Enter Warp Drive
EWM Enter Whimsy Mode
EXB EXcrement and Branch
EXE EXecute Engineer
EXI EXecute Invalid operation
EXO EXecute Operator
EXOP EXecute OPerator
EXP EXecute Programmer
EXPP EXecute Political Prisoner
FAY Fetch Amulet of Yendor
FB Find Bugs
FC Fry Console
FCJ Feed Card and Jam
FCJ Feed Cards and Jam
FD Forget Data
FDR Feed Disk Randomly
FERA Forms Eject and Run Away
FFF Form Feed Forever
FLD FLing Disk
FLI Flash Lights Impressively
FM Forget Memory
FMP Finish My Program
FOPC False Out-of-Paper Condition
FPC Feed Paper Continuously
FPT Fire Photon Torpedoes
FRG Fill with Random Garbage
FRS Fetch Ring of Sauron
FS Feign Sleep
FSM Fold, Spindle, and Mutilate
FSR Form Skip and Runaway
FSRA Forms Skip and Run Away
FYBR Follow Yellow Brick Road
GAP Grade All Projects
GBB Go to Back of Bus
GCAR Get Correct Answer Regardless
GCR Generate Confusing Results
GDP Grin Defiantly at Programmer
GDR Grab Degree and Run
GENT GENerate Thesis
GEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}
GFD Go Forth and Divide
GFM Go Forth and Multiply
GIE Generate Irreversible Error
GL Get Lost
GLC Generate Lewd Comment
GMC Generate Machine Check
GMCC Generate Machine Check and Cash
GND Guess at Next Digit
GORS GO Real Slow
GPCR Generate Petty Cache Request
GR Get Real
GREM Generate Random Error Message
GREP Global Ruin, Expiration, and Purgation
GRMC Generate Rubber Machine Check
GS Get Strange
GSB Gulp and Store Bytes
GSI Generate Spurious Interrupts
GSU Geometric Shift Up
GTJ Go To Jail
HAC Hold All Calls
HACF Halt And Catch Fire
HAH Halt And Hang
HBW Hang Bus and Wait
HCF Halt and Catch Fire
HCP Hide Central Processor
HCRS Hang in CRitical Section
HDH Hi Dee Ho
HDO Halt and Disable Operator
HDRW Halt and Display Random Word
HELP Hinder Everyone with Little Productivity
HELP Type 'No Help Available'
HEO Halt and Execute Operator
HF Hide File
HGD Halt, Get Drunk
HHB Halt and Hang Bus
HIS Halt in Imposible State
HOO Hide Operator's Output
HRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer Ribbon
HSC Halt on System Crash
HSJ Halt, Skip and Jump
HTC Halt and Toss Cookies
HTS Halt and Throw Sparks
HUAL Halt Until After Lunch
HUP Hang Up Phone
HWP Halt Without Provocation
IA Illocical And
IAE Ignore All Exceptions
IAI Inquire And Ignore
IAND Illogical AND
IAR Ignore All Requests
IB Insert Bug
IBM Increment and Branch to Muncee
IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
IBR Insert Bugs at Random
ICB Interrupt, Crash and Burn
ICM Immerse Central Memory
ICMD Initiate Core Melt Down
ICR Incur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]
ICSP Invert Crt Screen Picture
IDC Initiate Destruct Command
IDI Invoke Divine Intervention
IDNOP InDirect No-OP
IDPS Ignore Disk Protect Switch
IEOF Ignore End Of File
IF Invoke Force
IGI Increment Grade Immediate
IGIT Increment Grade Immediate Twice
IGO Increment Grade Overnight
IHC Initiate Head Crash
IHTFP Increment Hormones, Test For Puberty
II Inquire and Ignore
IIB Ignore Inquiry and Branch
IIC Insert Invisible Characters
IIL Irreversable Infinite Loop
IM Imagine Memory
IMBP Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
IMP Imitate Monty Python
IMPG IMPress Girlfriend
IMV IMpress Visitors
INCAM INCrement Arbitrary Memory
ING INquire and iGnore
INI Ignore Next Instruction
INOP Indirect No-OP
INR INstigate Rumor
INW INvalidate Warranty
IOI Ignore Operator's Instruction
IOR Illogical OR
IOS Ignore Operating System
IP Increment and Pray
IPI Ignore Previous Instruction
IPM Ignore Programmer's Mistakes
IPOP Interrupt Processor, Order Pizza
IPS Incinerate Power Supply
IPS Increment Power Supply
IPT Ignite Paper Tape
IRB Invert Record and Branch
IRBI Insert Random Bits Indexed
IRC Insert Random Commands
IRE Insert Random Errors
IRI Ignore Rude Interrupts
IRPF Infinite Recursive Page Fault
ISC Ignore Supervisor Calls
ISC Ignore System Crash
ISC Insert Sarcastic Comments
ISI Increment and Skip on Inifinity
ISP Increment and Skip on Pi
ISTK Invert STacK
ITML Initiate Termites into Macro Library
IU Ignore User[s]
IXOR Illogical eXclusive OR
IZ Ignore Zeroes
JAA Jump Almost Always
JBS Jump and Blow Stack
JCI Jump to Current Instruction
JFM Jump on Full Moon
JHRB Jump to H&R Block
JLP Jump and Lose Pointer
JLR Jump and Lose Return
JMAT JuMp on Alternate Thursdays
JN Jump to Nowhere
JNL Jump when programmer is Not Looking
JOB Jump On Beaver
JOM Jump Out of Memory
JOM Jump Over Moon
JOP Jump OPerator
JPA Jump when Pizza Arrives
JRAN Jump RANdom
JRCF Jump Relative and Catch Fire
JRGA Jump Relative and Get Arrested
JRL Jump to Random Location
JRSR Jump to Random SubRoutine
JSC Jump on System Crash
JSOR Jump Somewhere Over Rainbow
JSU Jump Self Unconditional
JT Jump if Tuesday
JTT Jump and Tangle Tape
JTZ Jump to Twilight Zone
JWN Jump When Necessary
KCE Kill Consultant on Error
KCE Kill repairman [CE]
KDO Knock Disk Over
KEPITU Kill Every Process In The Universe
KOP Kill OPerator
KP Krunch Paper
KPR Kill PRogrammer
KSR Keyboard Shift Right
KUD Kill User's Data
KWWE Kill Wicked Witch of East
KWWW Kill Wicked Witch of West
LAC Lose All Communication
LAGW Load And Go Wrong
LAP Laugh At Program
LAP Laugh At Programmer
LCC Load and Clear Core
LCD Launch Cartridge Disk
LCK Lock Console Keyswitch
LEB Link Edit Backwards
LIA Load Ineffective Address
LMB Lose Message and Branch
LMO Load and Mug Operator
LMYB Logical MaYBe
LN Lose inode Number
LNP Load N digits of Pi
LOSM Log Off System Manager
LP%PAS Line Printer \(em Print And Smear
LP%RDD Line Printer \(em Reverse Drum Direction
LP%TCR Line Printer \(em Tangle and Chew Ribbon
LPA Lead Programmer Astray
LPRTC Load Program counter from Real Time Clock
LR Load Revolver
LRA Load RetroActively
LRB Lose Record and Branch
LRD Load Random Data
LSPSW Load and Scramble PSW
LTS Link To Sputnik
LTS Loop Till Smokes
LUM LUbricate Memory
LWE Load WhatEver
LWM Load Write-only Memory
MAB Melt Address Bus
MAN Make Animal Noises
MAZ Multiply Answer by Zero
MBC Make Batch Confetti
MBF Multiply and Be Fruitful
MBH Memory Bank Hold-up
MBTD Mount Beatles on Tape Drive
MBTOL Move Bug To Operator's Lunch
MC Move Continuous
MD Move Devious
MDB Move and Drop Bits
MDC Make Disk Crash
MDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across Floor
MFO Mount Female Operator
MILI Move It or Lose It
MLB Memory Left shift and Branch
MLP Make Lousy Program
MLP Multiply and Lose Precision
MLR Move and Lose Record
MMF Melt Main Frame
MMLG Make Me Look Good
MNI Misread Next Instruction
MOG Make Operator Growl
MOP Modify Operator's Personality
MPLP Make Pretty Light Pattern
MRZ Make Random Zap
MSGD Make Screen Go Dim
MSP Mistake Sign for Parity
MSPI Make Sure Plugged In
MSR Melt Special Register
MST Mount Scotch Tape
MTE Mangle Tape on Exit
MTI Make Tape Invalid
MUG Make Ugly Graphics
MUM Multi-Use Mnemonics
MW Malfunction Whenever
MW Multiply Work
MWC Move and Wrap Core
MWT Malfunction Without Telling
NBC Negate By Clearing
NCW Notch Carriage and Way
NMI Negate Most Integers
NOP Needlessly Omit Pointer
NPC Normalize Program Counter
NPN No Program Necessary [VAX]
NTGH Not Tonight, i've Got a Headache
OBB Overflow Bit Bucket
OCF Open Circular File
OMC Obscene Message to Console
OMC Overheat Memory Chip
OML Obey Murphy's Laws
OPI Order Pizza Immediately
OPP Order Pizza for Programmer
OSI Overflow Stack Immediate
OSI Overflow Stack Indefinite
OSP Open Six-Pack
OTL Out To Lunch
OU Offend User
P$*! Punch Obscenity
PA Punch in ASCII
PAL Pack And Leave
PAS Print And Smear
PAUD PAUse Dramatically
PAZ Pack Alpha Zone
PAZ Pack Alpha and drop Zones
PBC Print and Break Chain
PBD Print and Break Drum
PBL Pack Bags and Leave
PBM Pop Bubble Memory
PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag Please
PBST Play Batch mode Star Trek
PCB Pause for Coffee Break
PCD PunCh Disk
PCI Pleat Cards Immediate
PCR Print and Cut Ribbon
PCS Push to Centre of Stack
PD Play Dead
PD Punch Disk
PDLD Power Down and Lock Door [to computer room]
PDSK Punch DiSK
PEHC Punch Extra Holes in Cards
PEP Print on Edge of Paper
PFD Punt on Fourth Down
PFE Print Floating Eye
PFML Print Four Million Lines
PG Print Garbage
PHO Pull Hair Out
PI Punch Invalid
PIBM Pretend to be an IBM
PIC Print Illegible Characters
PIC Print Invalid Character
PIC Punch Invalid Character
PLSC Perform Light Show on Console
PNIH Place Needle In Haystack
PNRP Print Nasty Replies to Programmer
PO Punch Operator
POCL Punch Out Console Lights
POG Print Only Greek
POP Pop Or Push
POPI Punch OPerator Immediate
POPN Punch OPerator's Nose
PPA Print Paper Airplanes
PPC Purge Pascal Compiler [HP 3000]
PPL Perform Perpetual Loop
PPP Print Programmer's Picture
PPR Play Punk Rock
PPSW Pack Program Status Word
PPSW Pack Progran Status Word
PRS PRint and Smear
PSP Print and Shred Paper
PSR Print and Shred Ribbon
PTP Produce Toilet Paper
PUO Perform Unknown Operation
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
PWP Print Without Paper
PWS create PoWer Surge
PYS Program YourSelf
QBDH Quit and Become a DeadHead
QWYA Quit While Your Ahead
RA Randomize Answer
RAM Randomly Access Memory
RAM Read Ambiguous Memory
RAN RANdom opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]
RASC Read And Shred Card
RAST Read And Shred Tape
RAU Ridicule All Users
RBAO Ring Bell and Annoy Operator
RBLY Restore Back-up from Last Year
RBT Read Blank Tape
RBT Rewind and Break Tape
RC Rewind Core
RCAJ Read Card And Jam
RCB Read Command Backwards
RCB Run Clock Backwards
RCC Read Card and Chew
RCCP Randomly Corrupt Current Process
RCF Rewind Cabinet Fans
RCKG Read Count Key and Garbage
RCL Rotate Carry Left
RCP Reschedule Car Payments
RCR Rewind Card Reader
RCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse Video
RCS Read Card and Scramble data
RCSD Read Card and Scramble Data
RD Randomize Data
RD Reverse Directions
RDA Refuse to Disclose Answer
RDB Replace Database with Blanks
RDB Run Disk Backwards
RDD Reverse Disk Drive
RDDBF Rock Disk Drive Back and Forth
RDEB Read and Drop Even number of Bits
RDF Randomize Directory Filenames
RDI Reverse Drum Immediate
RDI Reverse Drun Immediate
RDI Rewind Disk Immediate
RDR Reverse Disk Rotation
RDS ReaD Sideways
RENVR REName Variables Randomly
RET Read and Erase Tape
RF Read Fingerprints
RG Record Garbage
RHNEZ Randomize and Halt if Not Equal to Zero
RHO Randomize and Hold all Output
RIC Rotate Illogical thru Carry
RID Read Invalid Data
RIG Read Inter-record Gap
RIOP Rotate I/O Ports
RIR Read Invalid Record
RIRG Read Inter-Record Gap
RJE Return Jump and Explode
RLC Relocate and Lose Core
RLC Reread Last Card
RLC Rotate Left with Carolyn
RLI Rotate Left Indefinitely
RLP Refill Light Pen
RLP Rewind Line Printer
RM Ruin My files
RMI Randomize Memory Immediate
RMM Read Manager's Mind
RMT ReMove Trap
RMV Remove Memory Virtues
RN Read Noise
RNBS Reflect Next Bus Signal
RNR Read Noise Record
ROC Randomize Op Codes
ROC Rotate Outward from Center
ROD ROtate Diagonally
ROM Read Operator's Mind
ROO Rub Out Operator
ROOP Run Out Of Paper
ROPF Read Other People's Files
ROS Reject Operating System
ROS Return On Shield
RP Read Printer
RPB Raise Parity Bits
RPB Read Print and Blush
RPB Reverse Parity and Branch
RPBR Reverse Parity and BRanch
RPC Rotate Program Counter
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RPU Read character and Print Upsidedown
RRC Rotate Random thru Carry
RRR Randomly Rotate Register
RRR Read Record and Run away
RRR Read Record and Run-away
RRRL Random Rotate Register Left
RRRR Random Rotate Register Right
RRSTC Return on Ruby Slippers Triple-Click
RRT Record and Rip Tape
RS Random Slew
RSD on Read error Self-Destruct
RST Rewind and Stretch Tape
RSTOM Read from STore-Only Memory
RT Reduce Throughput
RTP Reduce ThroughPut
RTS Return To Sender
RVAC Return from VACation
RWC ReWind and Crash heads
RWCR ReWind Card Reader
RWD ReWind Disk
RWE Run Without Error
RWF Read Wrong File
RWT Read/Write while stretching Tape
SA Store Anywhere
SAD Search And Destroy
SAI Skip All Instructions
SAK Snooze At Keyboard
SAS Show Appendix Scar
SAS Sit And Spin
SBE Swap Bits Erratically
SBF Skip on Bitbucket Full
SC Scramble Channels
SC Shred Cards
SCB Spindle Card and Belch
SCCA Short Circuit on Correct Answer
SCD Shuffle and Cut Dec
SCH Slit Cards Horizontal
SCI Shred Cards Immediate
SCM Set for Crash Mode
SCOM Set Cobol-Only Mode
SCP SCatter Printer
SCRRC SCRamble Register Contents
SCST Switch Channel to Star Trek
SCTR Stick Card To Reader
SD Scramble Directory
SD Slip Disk
SDC Spool Disk to Console
SDD Seek and Destroy Data
SDD Spin Disk Dry
SDDB Snap Disk Drive Belt
SDE Solve Differential Equations
SDI Self Destruct Immediate
SDM Search and Destroy Memory
SDR Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]
SEB Stop Eating and Burp
SEOB Set Every Other Bit
SESUR Sing Elvis Songs Until he Returns
SEX Set EXecution register
SEX Sign EXtend
SFH Set Flags to Half-mast
SFP Send For Pizza
SFR Send For Reinforcements
SFT Stall For Time
SFTT Strip Form Tractor Teeth
SHAB SHift A Bit
SHABM SHift A Bit More
SHB Stop and Hang Bus
SHCD SHuffle Card Deck
SHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent no-op]
SHR SHift Random
SHRC SHRed Card
SHRT SHRed Tape
SID Switch to Infinite Density
SIP Store Indefinite Precision
SJV Scramble Jump Vectors
SLP Sharpen Light Pen
SMC Scramble Memory Contents
SMD Spontaneous Memory Dump
SMR Skip on Meaningless Result
SMS Shred Mylar Surface
SNARF System Normalize And Reset Flags
SNM Show No Mercy
SNO Send Nukes on Overflow
SOAWP SOlve All the World'd Problems
SOB Stew On Brew
SOD Surrender Or Die
SOL Shift On Low
SOP Stop and Order Pizza
SOS Sign Off, Stupid
SOT Sit On a Tack
SP Scatter Print
SPA Sliding Point Arithmetic
SPB Simulate Peanut Butter
SPD SPin Disk
SPS Set Panel Switches
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
SQPWYC Sit Quietly and Play With Your Crayons
SRBO Set Random Bits to Ones
SRBZ Set Random Bits to Zeroes
SRC Select Random Channel
SRC Select Reader and Chew cards
SRCC Select Reader and Chew Cards
SRD Switch to Random Density
SRDR Shift Right Double Ridiculous
SRO Sort with Random Ordering
SROS Store in Read-Only Storage
SRR Shift Registers Random
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
SRSD Seek Record and Scratch Disk
SRTC Stop Real-Time Clock
SRU Signoff Random User
SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero
SSB Scramble Status Byte
SSD Scratch System Disk
SSD Stacker Select Disk
SSD Stop and Scratch Disk [3815]
SSJ Select Stacker and Jam
SSJP Select Stacker and JumP
SSM Solve by Supernatural Means
SSM Stacker Select Memory
SSP Seek SPindle
SSP Smoke and SPark
SST Seek and Stretch Tape
SSW Scramble Status Word
ST Set and Test
STA STore Anywhere
STC Slow To a Crawl
STD Stop, Take Drugs
STM STretch Magtape
STM Skip on Third Monday
STO Strangle Tape Operator
STPR SToP Rain
STRIKE STRIKE for more pay, better hours, etc.
STROM STore in Read-Only Memory
STTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud
SUIQ Subtract User's IQ
SUME SUprise ME
SUP Shred User Printout
SUP Solve Unsolvable Problem
SUS Stop Until Spring
SUS Subtract Until Senseless
SWAT SWAp Terminals
SWN SWap Nibbles
SWOS Store in Write-Only Storage
SWS Sort to Wrong Slots
SWT Select Wrong Terminal
SWU Select Wrong Unit
SWZN Skip Whether Zero or Not
SZD Switch to Zero Density
TAH Take A Hike
TAI Trap Absurd Inputs
TARC Take Arithmetic Review Course
TBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To Go
TC Transmit Colors
TDB Transfer and Drop Bits
TDRB Test and Destroy Random Bits
TDS Trash Data Segment
TET Triple Execution Time [SUN]
TLNF Teach me a Lesson i'll Never Forget
TLO Turn indicator Lights Off
TLW Transfer and Lose Way
TN Take a Nap
TOAC Turn Off Air Conditioner
TOG Take Out Garbage
TOG Time Out, Graduate
TOH Take Operator Hostage
TOO Turn On/off Operator
TOP Trap OPerator
TOS Trash Operating System
TOW Take Over World
TPD Terminal Printer Destruct
TPD Total Program Diagnostic
TPD Triple Pack Decimal
TPDH Tell Programmer to Do it Himself
TPF Turn Power oFf
TPN Turn Power oN
TPO Turn Power Off
TPR Tear PapeR
TR Turn into Rubbish
TRA Te Rdls Arvs [type ridiculous abbreviations]
TRD TRansfer and Drop bit
TSH Trap Secretary and Halt
TSM Trap Secretary and Mount
TST Trash System Tracks
TT%CN TeleType \(em Clunk Noise
TT%EKB TeleType \(em Electrify KeyBoard
TTA Try, Try Again
TTIHLIC Try To Imagine How Little I Care
TTITT Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot Tapes
TTL Tap Trunk Line
TTL Time To Logoff
TYF Trust Your Feelings
UA Unload Accumulator
UAI Use Alternate Instruction set
UAPA(AM) Use All Power Available (And More)
UCB Uncouple CPU and Branch
UCIP Update Card In Place
UCK Unlock Console Keyswitch
UCLB Uncouple Comm Lines and Branch
UCM Uncouple CoMm lines and branch
UCPUB Uncouple CPUs and Branch
UDR Update and Delete Record
UER Update and Erase Record
UFO Unidentified Flag Operation
ULDA UnLoaD Accumulator
UMR Unlock Machine Room
UNPD UNPlug and Dump
UOP Useless OPeration
UP Understand Program[mer]
UPA Use all Power Available
UPC Understand Program[mer]'s Comments
UPI Undo Previous Instruction
URB Update, Resume and Branch
UTF Unwind Tape onto Floor
UTF Use The Force
UUBR Use Undefined Base Register
VAX Violate All eXecutions
VFE Violate Field Engineer
VFO Violate Female Operator
VMA Violate Maintenance Agreement
VNO Violate Noise Ordinance
VPA Vanishing Point Arithmetic
VVM Vaporize Virtual Memory
WAD Walk Away in Disgust
WAT WAste Time
WBB Write to the Bit Bucket
WBT Water Binary Tree
WC Waste Core
WCR Write to Card Reader
WDR Warp disk DRive
WED Write and Erase Data
WEMG Write Eighteen Minute Gap
WF Wait Forever
WGPB Write Garbage in Process-control Block
WHFO Wait until Hell Freezes Over
WHP Wave Hands over Program
WI Why Immediate
WI Write Illegibly
WID Write Invalid Data
WMC Write Millions of Comments
WNAM We Need A Miracle
WNHR Write New Hit Record
WNR Write Noise Record
WP Write Poop
WPET Write Past End of Tape
WPM Write Programmer's Mind
WSE Write Stack Everywhere
WSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
WUPO Wad Up Printer Output
WWLR Write Wrong Length Record
WWR Write Wrong Record
XXIO eXecute Invalid Opcode
XXKF eXecute Kermit the Frog
XXM eXclusive Maybe
XXMB eXclusive MayBe
XXOH eXecute no-Op and Hang
XXOR eXecute OpeRator
XXOS eXchange Operator's Sex
XXPR eXecute PRogrammer
XXPSW eXecute Program Status Word
XXSP eXecute Systems Programmer
XXVF eXchange Virtue for Fun
YAB Yet Another Bug
YASE Yet Another Stupid Error
ZAP Zero and Add Packed
ZAR Zero Any Register
ZD Zap Directory
ZEOW Zero Every Other Word
ZPI ZaP Immediate

[Damocles]

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

[Damocles]

Programmer's drinking song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

[Damocles]

The computer user's reboot poem
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

[Damocles]

Actual calls to technical support
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

[Damocles]

Airplanes running operating systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

[Damocles]

Real software engineers
Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.

Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.

Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.

If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it.

Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.

Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."

Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.

Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.

Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these).

Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function.

Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.

Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.

Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.

[Damocles]

Operating systems as beers
DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer -- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer -- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer -- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer -- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

[Damocles]

Solution to the Y3K problem
The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y3K (Year 3000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 2999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:

1. No Y3K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.

[Damocles]

Computer lingo guide
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove

Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove

Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove

Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm

Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season

Enter - Come on in

Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Screen - What is a must during black fly season

Chip - What you munch during a football games

Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Modem - What you did to your fields last July

Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the grandkids sit

Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them

Software - Plastic picnic utensils

Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard

Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof

Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock

Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it

[Damocles]

Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Damocles]

Top Ten Ways Y3K Will Affect Disney World
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

[Damocles]

If Dr. Seuss was a technical writer
What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[Damocles]

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

[Damocles]

Fifty ways to be annoying in computer labs
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

[Damocles]

You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog's homepage is actually good.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

[Damocles]

The Windows Rejection Song
sung to the tune of The Rainbow Connection by Kermit Frog
Why are there so many, users of Windows?
Don't people have any pride?
Windows is useless, and designed by morons,
and Windows had got DOS inside.
But some don't care and continue to use it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

Who said that every bug, would be found but left there?
It seems so strange and bizarre.
Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it,
look what it's done, so far.

What's so amazing are all the delays in
the replacement for Windows 3.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it's utterly tragic...

Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out,
because of a G.P. fault?
Is this the error, that occurs most often,
and causes your system to halt?

I've seen it too many times to ignore it,
I think it is just s'posed to be.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.

la, da da, lee, da la loo,
a, la, la la, la lee la roo!

[Damocles]

Help stories from Tech Support
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

[Damocles]

The programmer's cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

[Damocles]

I'm ignoring Y2K
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

[Damocles]

Instructions for Microsoft's TV dinner
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[Damocles]

There was life before the computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[Damocles]

I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

[Damocles]

The technical geek test
Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.

When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.