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oh good lord! what a way to start my Spring Break off with a good laugh!
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Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces! Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you? Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
10. Having to live a good part of my live with the name 'Anakin.'
9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying 'I told you so!'
8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.
7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad guy.
6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).
5. That darn Energizer bunny.
4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.
3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying 'This is CNN.'
2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt.
1. I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.
Top Ten Jobs Palpatine Had Before Becoming Dark Lord of the Sith
10. Portraying Mrs. Snugglypuffs, a sweet rabbit that was butchered and sewn back together on each episode of the children's show “Death Cometh to Good People” on the ‘Evil Network.’
9. Selling software under the tutelage of his future master, Darth Gates. (Was fired after caught embezzling money for a project code named: Death Star)
8. Huttoria's Secret Fashion Consultant and Spoke model (Was fired after only selling black robes)
7. Five words: You want fries with that?
6. Grief Councilor (Was fired after keeping people sad)
5. Manipulative and deceitful game show host of the widely popular "Who wants to be a Supreme Chancellor?" (Was fired after it came to light that he also was a host and contestant)
4. Adolescent rap star "Pal-P-Teen" (Quit after seeing what happened to Vanilla Ice)
3. Dark Intern Of the Sith (Killed boss while he slept, and thus needed a new career)
2. Anger Management Teacher (Was fired for constantly encouraging people to “give in to their anger”)
1. Played corpse on CSI: Crime Scene Inquisitorius (Was locked in morgue after being mistaken for an actual cadaver)
10. Leigh Brackett didn't write the final script.
9. John Dykstra did the original special effects.
8. Anakin Skywalker is a wuss.
7. Yoda has all the tactical brilliance of a muppet.
6. Jar Jar Binks is Palpies chief adviser.
5. Palpie IS a muppet.
4. Imperial technology is based on the obvious fatal flaw principle.
3. Storm troopers are picked for their ability to miss.
2. Princess Leia.
And the number one reason that the Empire loses?
1. Mark Hamill, as Luke, is the JOKER in the deck.
Here’s my new favorite Captain Hook joke. Now you know that us Scandihoovians tell a lot of jokes. However, we make no claim that any of them are actually funny…..
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them did a dump and it hit me in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from bird droppings.”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
===========================
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there when you get home."
He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"
Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work to Dublin, he thought about her so much that he got off the trolley at 34th Street and went to the bus twerminal and took a bus clear to Yuma, Arizona.
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
Re: Clean joke of the day.
