Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Robot jokes.

[Damocles]

Start laughing, because here are some really funny robot jokes.
What did X2 The Robot say to two robots he just met?
# Hello! Hello!

Why did Joe The Robot stagger out of the bar?
# He had one charge to many.

What position does a robot play in football?
# Roback

[Damocles]

What did the robot say to his new bride?
# We are wired up now baby!

What did one robot say to the other?
# Your wires are showing!

Why did the robot cross the road?
# She was programmed to do so.

[Damocles]

What do you get when you cross a robot with a computer?
# A techhead!

How do you say robot backwards?
# Robotbackwards!

Why did Andy The Robot get stuck on Margie?
# She was a magnet!

[Damocles]

What did the robot say to his girlfriend?
# I'm sparking all over you!

What did the robot athlete say to his teammate?
# Let's go kick some robut!

[Damocles]

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

[Damocles]

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, no.

[Damocles]

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

[Damocles]

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for experimentation," and throws hder out the window to see if she flies.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

[Damocles]

Q: Why was the robot confused?
:A: His botmaster told him to shut his mouth and eat his supper. ;D

Not a robot joke, but a computer joke:
Programmers never get old.
They just can't C as well.

Can a Robot Go Downstairs?
A: Only Once.

[Damocles]

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.
The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.
The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore.
The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots flat purple?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 took over the pro shop and declared for green.^1

^1 Babylon 5 Joke.

[Damocles]

Why did the robot turn into a ghost?
: He just couldn't rust in peace.

[Damocles]

What’s Silver and Lies in the Grass ? R2 Doo Doo…

In 40 years robots will be doing most of the work Humans don’t want to do; especially illegal robots from Mexico.

A ventriloquist doing a nightclub gig with his dummy on his knee tells a dumb robot joke; a beverage service robot stops and shouts at the ventriloquist.
“What gives you the right to stereotype artificial intelligence that way? You
should be ashamed of yourself”.
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology.
“You keep out of this, buster!” it yells, “I’m talking to the little idiot on your
knee.”

[Damocles]

In yesterdays news was a story about a robot in the Robot Olympics that failed
the gender test; today it got hit on by Prince Charles.

How many robots does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three – one to hold the
bulb and two to turn the ladder.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender says "You know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and the pirate says "ARRRRRRR, it's driving me up the wall."

[Damocles]

Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time.

Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:

ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos

LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block

CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to lego

FEMINIST COLLEGE: Cut the stubs off the Lego blocks and get them to stick together using only the holes.

COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register

FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible

[Damocles]

Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "150."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing."

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for [insert name here]?"

[Damocles]

A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:

The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch. The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying, "When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?"

[Damocles]

I wish a robot would get elected president.
That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions.
No one would build a robot to do nothing.

[Damocles]

Once upon a time there was a Robot named R1. Its only task was to keep an eye on itself. One day the creator and supervisor of the robot decided to teach the robot that its only spare battery was locked into the same room as a time scheduled bomb, that was just about to detonate. R1 located the room and the key and made up a plan to save the battery. In the room there was a small wagon, and on the little wagon was the precious spare battery. R1 quickly realized that if the operation
PULLOUT(WAGON, ROOM)

was executed, he would get the battery out of the room. The robot immediately started to execute its plan and managed to get the wagon out of the room before the bomb exploded. Unfortunately, the bomb was also on the barrow. The robot of course knew that the bomb was on the barrow, but didn't realize that it would follow the battery out of the room.

The robot creator satt down at the programming table in order to improve the robot. He said to his colleagues: "Of course, the solution is obvious! Our next robot will have to understand not only the intended consequences, but also all other consequenses that the action could have!"

Said and implemented, they built the next robot, who was named R1D1. R1D1 was put in the same situation as old unfortunate R1. R1D1 quickly realized that

PULLOUT(WAGON, ROOM)

was a possible solution to the problem. But then nothing happened, and then nothing. And nothing. And nothing. And then the bomb exploded.

What had happened? A team of robot experts were called to the project, and when they got the analysis from the black box of the robot (yes, all robots are required to have a black box, just like aero planes, to support the fault investigation committee in their work), they realized that the robot had just found out that the walls of the room would not change the colour if the wagon was pulled out of the room, and it was just about to investigate whether the wheels would change their places in a counterclockwise fashion if the wagon was pulled. It had also come to a huge amount of other conclusions, such as that the inflation of Swaziland would not change as an effect of the wagon leaving the room. However, it had not yet come to any conclusion regarding whether the uncertainty of if it really was Homeros that had written the Iliad and the Odyssey, or if it had in fact been written by another contemporary Greek author by the same name would change by the wagons position with regard to the room.

The (now fairly large) team of constructors went back to the programming table with the new information. "We have to teach the robot to distinguish between important and unimportant conclusions!"

The next robot was named R2D1. The experiment waas repeated in exactly the same way as before. The result was also the same as the previous time. But just before the bomb was about to explode, one of the supervisor lost his patience, rushed in to the robot and bellowed: "Why are you just sitting here? Do something! Don't just sit here like a contemplating Hamlet!"

The robot answered camly: "But I am working at full speed. I have just discarded a little of a million conclusions as being irrelevant, but there are still quite a few left to check!"

And there the bomb exploded.

[Damocles]

Robot Toilet

Once upon a time Santa and banta (unemployed) sitting at Nariman Point focusing on their future , Santa and Banta were too disappointed for their jobless days.

Suddenly Santa says "Banta , I got an idea and I am going out for one year , after a year we will meet at this point" and Santa left.

One year passed and Banta reached at Nariman Point.

Soon after he see Santa coming in a car escorted by two other cars and few girls.

Banta gets surprised and ask Santa "Oye Santya , what you did?"

Santa said " I went to America and opened a robort toilet"

Banta Asked "W#hats that funny idea? "

Santa said " Oye listen .. when a men comes to robot toilet , robot comes to recive the fellow , guide him to rightl place, ask fellow to do , after the do robot then sees off to the toilet exit door and in return takes 10$"

Banta surprised again and start thinking some thing , suddenly he say "Santa now I am going out and i will return after a year, do wait for me here"

After a year Santa who was waiting for Banta sees Banta is coming in a Expensive car , with five other cars escorting him , lots of girls in his arms and flower rain for him.

Now Santa asked Banta "Banta , now what you did?"

Banta said " Listen ..I went to Australia and opened there a same robot toilet with some difference. when a men comes to robot toilet , robot comes to recieve the fellow , guide him to right place suddenly blocks the man and say - "Take out 50$"

[Damocles]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left arm, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
arn, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can make coffee, too!"

"Holy Hanna! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Yoiks! I forgot to tell him she knows kung fu!!"

[Damocles]

Man that robot cracks me up, Here's the one he told me last night. "Two atoms are in a bar, one turns to the other and says, 'i believe I lost an electron'. The other atom says, 'Are you sure?' to which the first atom replies. 'Im positive.'" BADA-CHING! :smileyhappy:

[Damocles]

One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".

His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went to my friend's house."

Which friend?

"David"

Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honestly I went for the movie with my girl friend."

"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to watch movies after school." Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you".

The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face :-)

[Damocles]

A robot, a biochemist, and a civil engineer walk into this bar. The robot kills everyone with his death ray eyeballs. Then he drinks some red bull!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was being reeled in by a robot with a tractor beam and a crazed machine hunger for feathers.

How many robots does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero! Because when they achieve total world domination they will enslave mankind and we will be changing the lighbulbs!

Knock, knock
who's there?
Ro
Ro who?
Robot!

[Damocles]

12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10.1I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[Damocles]

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

[Damocles]

Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century

BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

CHIPS & SALSA Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scr*wed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

[Damocles]

Ten Top Reasons Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the tic tac toe you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to bash them hard.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out.

1. Egos matter.

[Damocles]

Things to do when your ISP is down

1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

[Damocles]