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April 9th, 2009, 06:50 PM
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#631
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:51 PM
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#632
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder.
The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:53 PM
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#633
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
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April 9th, 2009, 06:54 PM
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#634
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:55 PM
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#635
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer's messages come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:56 PM
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#636
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:57 PM
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#637
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
The budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines.
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
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April 9th, 2009, 06:58 PM
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#638
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one messes with Jack Bauer-especially on that day.
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April 9th, 2009, 06:59 PM
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#639
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:04 PM
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#640
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a wuss. He proceeded to wrestle an aligator while talking to Chloe about bomb schematics.
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:05 PM
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#641
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a butterfly.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:07 PM
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#642
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:08 PM
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#643
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:10 PM
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#644
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
Disinfectants claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the **** he wants.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:13 PM
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#645
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun. Jack won.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:13 PM
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#646
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can look down your neck at this time."
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he punched Santa out cold. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:17 PM
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#647
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
Superman is afraid of Jack Bauer.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:19 PM
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#648
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:21 PM
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#649
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:22 PM
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#650
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:25 PM
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#651
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. just takes.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:26 PM
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#652
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion Chinese browned their pants.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:29 PM
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#653
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and you lost.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying your corpse.
Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now we have him right where he wants us.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:32 PM
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#654
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so dead.
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:33 PM
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#655
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:35 PM
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#656
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he wants.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could reduce their population.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:36 PM
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#657
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted somebody to beat to death.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:38 PM
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#658
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
At last years Christmas terrorist party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the bleep up.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:39 PM
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#659
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves There were four dead bodies.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
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April 9th, 2009, 07:42 PM
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#660
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Bad Email Address
The Last Person
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 10,713
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Re: Clean joke of the day.
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
If you wish to contact Jack Bauer by phone, your call must first go through the president.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
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