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A police officier is stopped at a red light. While there, he notices quite a din coming from the trunk of a car in front of him. He approaches the driver of said car and instructs him to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. The driver complies, and in the trunk are a dozen giraffes. The police officer says, "Take these giraffes to the zoo immediately!!" The driver says, "Right away officer!" and drives off.
The following day the cop is at the same red light, and who should be stopped in front of him but the same car with the same loud noise coming from the trunk.
The cop is really irritated now and again tells the driver to get out and open his trunk. There are the same dozen giraffes, only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman says, "I told you to take these giraffes to the zoo!", to which the driver replies, "But officer, I did...today they want to go to the beach!"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Telegraph by Deddi Shy The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Albert Einstein
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called rain.
Michael McClary
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate just asked the tour guide.
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." (Molly - Ohio/USA)
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what's your neighbr's problem? He needs to go and get a bull and rent him to you for stud!
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one to a socialist for an enormous profit, buy a bull, and then build a whole herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares you bankrupt.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Cheese: [has tinfoil on his teeth] I have braces! Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you? Cheese: Garbage can.
-episode "Mac Daddy"Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
Re: Clean joke of the day.
