Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Realist Analysis

You have two cows with which you will wage war to obtain more cows so your cow-nation will grow and prosper.

Rortean Analysis

In your language group you have two cows; however, what you perceive can be interpreted in infinitely many ways, and what people in other language groups interpret you as having you cannot objectively dispute (since it would be nothing more than the perspective of you and people who agree with you). Language groups are incommensurable.

Russellian Analysis

-Writes Principia Bovinica- Pg.360:

"...therefore, one cow plus another cow is two cows."

[Damocles]

God--- J.D. Salinger Analysis

You know, when I was a kid, I used to have these two cows. Old Bessy was always moo'ing around and me and old D.B. were always playing around it. Now he's up there in Hollywood with all the phonies. Old Bessy, she's still hanging around, always eating her grass and stuff. You've gotta see her face when she's eating. That really kills me.

Skeptical Analysis

You suspend judgment on whether or not you have two cows.

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Schenkerian Analysis

All moos are elaborations of a descending linear progression. The second cow must coincide with a dominant harmony.

Schrödinger's Cow

You have one or two cows in a box. You cannot see inside the box. You do not know if inside the box you have One Cow or Two Cows. Before you open the box, you have both One Cow and Two Cows inside the box. Once you open the box, the probability wave will collapse and you will find out if you have one cow or two cows. One or more of your cows might be dead.

[Damocles]

Scholastic Analysis

How many cattle can graze on the head of a pin?

Soviet Russian Analysis

You have two cows, you drink vodka, you have four cows, you drink more vodka, you have eleventy six cows, you run out of vodka, you count again and realize that you only have two cows, you open another bottle of vodka to drown the loss of eleventy four cows

Soviet Russian Analysis 2

In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!

[Damocles]

Sorties Analysis - Nihilism

A cow is made up of many atoms; 1 atom does not make a cow. Adding another atom to that does not make a cow, nor would adding one atom after that. In other words, mere addition of atoms (n+1) does not make a cow. Following from that, 10 quadrillion (n+1, n+2,... n+10^15) atoms does not make a cow. You do not have two cows, nor do you even exist since -you- are made up of atoms too!

[Damocles]

Sorties Analysis - Epistemism

After the addition of -just one- atom a group of atoms becomes a cow. In recognizing multi-atom objects, as a result you contradict yourself an infinite amount of times (once for every other instance of n+1 but the one where it changes to an object), but at least you get two cows out of it.

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Sorties Analysis - Supervaluationism

Every group of atoms and every object participates to a degree in two-cowness, some to more and some to less degrees than others. You have a group of atoms/an object that participates in a very high degree of two-cowness.

[Damocles]

Soviet Analysis

Originally, you lease one cow from the government. You find out the cow is pregnant and get excited to have your own cow. Now you have two cows. The KGB comes and you have no cows. Or, alternatively: In Soviet Russia, two cows shoot you.

Surrealist Analysis

You have two Aardvarks, one is painted green. Your two Aardvarks open a financing company in order to support their turtle who is on the dole. Consequently, people keep offering them pomegranates shaped like Richard Nixon's face. The Government requires them to take harmonica lessons before dismantling a giant soviet sewing machine.

[Damocles]

Talmudic Analysis

Mishnah: The School of Shammai says: "You must have four cows." The School of Hillel says: "You need only have two cows, that the poor not be disgraced." And the law is according to the School of Hillel.
Gemara: Why does the Mishnah say you must have two cows? Why not one cow and one bull? Rabbi Yohannan said: "In former times, farmers owned one cow and one bull, but that led to lewdness; therefore the Sages prohibited it." Rav objected: "Doesn't the Torah say, 'Be fruitful and multiply?'" Samuel countered: "It only says that with regard to birds, fish and human beings, not with regard to land animals." But Rav Ashi said, "Given that it is written 'Be fruitful and multiply' with regard to the former, we may infer by analogy that it applies to the latter." Then how does one breed one's cows? By taking them to visit the bulls on a Gentile's farm.

[Damocles]

Thales' Analysis

Everything is made of milk.

Unknown Analysis

To err is to be human. To have two cows is bovine.

Yoda Analysis

Two cows, you have.

Yoda Analysis 2

The cows matter not. Cows not make one great!

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Zen Analysis

Koan What is the sound of one cow lowing?

Answer: Mu.

Zeno's Analysis

When you milk your cows, in order for the milk to travel from the udder to the pail it must first traverse half the distance between the udder and the pail. In turn, it must first traverse half of the remaining distance, and so forth. Therefore, it is impossible for the milk ever to reach the pail.

[Damocles]

Zhuangzi Analysis

I had a dream that I was a cow. Or at least I think so; how do I know that I am not really a cow dreaming he's a human?

Zhuangzi Analysis 2

Zhuangzi: Your two cows enjoy grazing.

Sophist: You can't know that, you are not my two cows.

Zhuangzi: You can't know that, you are not me!

Zhuangzi Analysis 3

You have two cows, but to be happy, you must not take pleasure in the cows.

Zhuangzi Analysis 4

You have two cows, but it does not matter that you have two cows.

[Damocles]

Zero wing Analysis

All your cow are belong to us. You have no cows now. You have nothing to milk buy your time!

My analysis

You may have two stupid cows, but I don't care. I'm just waiting for this stupid pour to cool!

[Damocles]

Batman jokes.

[Damocles]

Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. They like the dark.

Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
A: He was the bat-boy.

Q: How does Batman's mother call him to dinner?
A: (tune of 1960's theme) Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!

[Damocles]

Q: Why did Bruce's date go badly?
A: Because he has BAT breath!

Q: What does Batgirl wear to bed?
A: Her Dark Knight gown!

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
A: Get in the Batmobile, Robin!

[Damocles]

There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find a gorgeous, extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with a ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold. Who gets to the pot of gold first?

A: None, because none of these characters exist.

[Damocles]

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behind her, the guard comes running out...shooting.

Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and gun the safe! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"

[Damocles]

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim, the biker, was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then she proceeded to beat the living crap out of him.

Some people passing by spotted this brutal beating and called the police.

As the medics were wheeling him away in on a litter Jim looked back and said, "i didn't know you were that mean and tough, Batman."

[Damocles]

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:

" Robin, boy wonder, somebody stole our tent."

[Damocles]

It was a normal day where crime rates are low. Superman was flying from place to place.

Then, he sees Batman. He flies down and talks to the caped Crusader.
Superman: Hey, Bats. Lets go out for beer and burger.
Batman: Sorry, Supe. I have to fix my Batmobile. I can't fight crime without it. Maybe tomorrow.

So Superman continues his flight until he sees Spiderman. Again, he asked Spiderman;
Superman: Hey, Spidey. Let's go out for beer and burger.
Spiderman: Sorry, Supe. I have to fix my web shooter. I can't fight crime without it tomorrow.

So Superman continues his flight until he sees Wonder Woman just . She was stark gorgeous!
So, with his super speed, Superman flew down try to kiss her and missed!

It was so fast that Wonder Woman was shocked.
Wonder Woman: Hey, what just happened?
Invisible Man: I dunno, but the back of my head is all covered with spit!!!

[Damocles]

Not strictly Batman;

Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Damocles]

Superman I guess:

Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"

"Get outta here," said Tom.

"No I'm serious, watch me."said Clark.

Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.

"I can't believe it." Said Tom.

"I know, you should try it, Tom."

So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground.

"Superman you're a mean one when you're drunk." said the security guard.

[Damocles]

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Which brings us to Chuck Norris.

[Damocles]

# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole safe before his friends could tell him there was money in it.

# Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

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# There are tigers or lions races, only varieties of lion Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of stripes.

# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.

# Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the tears of his victims. Unfortunately, all tears are transparent.

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# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of launching satellites.

# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

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# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

# When Chuck Norris has relations with a couch, it won’t be because he is gweird. It will be because he has run out of women.

# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

[Damocles]

# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

# Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 years.

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# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.