Clean joke of the day. - Page 18

Damocles · April 5th, 2009, 03:50 PM

https://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/1311...ars-episode-ii

Because a good joke bears repeating.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 06:54 AM

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 06:55 AM

Adams Analysis

You have two cows. The acquisition of two cows has often been regarded as a bad move. You could let them convince each other that it's time to commit suicide and feed themselves to you, but the easiest way to demolish them and make way for some more deserving animals is to name them both Agrajag and wait for Arthur Dent to kill them.

Adams Analysis 2

It is known that there is an infinite number of cows, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is yours. Therefore, you must have a finite number of cows. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average number of cows you have can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the number of cows in the whole Universe is also zero, and that any cows you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 06:56 AM

Aristotelian Analysis 1

The having of two cows is the "golden mean," the proper balance between deficiency and excess. Happiness results from acting in accordance with rational principles such as golden means; ergo, happiness is having two cows.

Aristotelian Analysis 2

The perfect shape is the circle. The path of least resistance for material things is therefore to travel in circles; ergo, cows travel in circles. No, we do not need to go and test this to determine its veracity.

Berkelian Analysis

You have two cows. You put your cows in a drawer and close it. Your two cows cease to exist.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 06:58 AM

Birth Analysis

You have two cows, one's pregnant. What do you do? You eat the other.

Bureaucratic Analysis

You have two cows. You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Then it taxes you on what you declare.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:00 AM

Cartesian Analysis

You have two cows. You know this because you can see them. But, as it so happens, it is possible that you are just dreaming that those cows exist and therefore cannot actually know you have two cows.

Cartesian Analysis 2

You have two cows, you know this because you can see them. But you have no way of proving that you are not actually being deceived by an evil demon and therefore cannot prove that those cows are there.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:01 AM

Chuck Norris Analysis

You have two cows. Both die under strain of awesomeness. Four cows now appear.

Chomskyian Analysis

You have two cows. It's the fault of the American-Israeli military complex and the corporate-controlled mass media.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:02 AM

Chong Analysis

You have two cows. Both of these cows are represented by two bulls. These two bull/cows give you some bad acid and you then see them turn into seagulls. The seagull/bull/cows fly away and lay on the ground next to you in a puddle of smoking grass. The puddle is absorbed by the ground and you lay on top of one of the puddle/seagull/bull/cows and cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness.

Confucian Analysis

You have 2 cows. It is important to respect them both. The superior man respects his cows, and uses them to pursue the betterment of society, and not for profit.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:03 AM

Cowell Analysis

Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.

Creationist Analysis

In the beginning, God made two cows. They populated the Earth. With sheep.

Cruise Analysis

You have two cows, but you don't know the history of cows. I do.

Dadaist Analysis

yoU hAve T2WO cows, they won?t turn their LEgs around-` Op~pst.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:05 AM

Darwinian Analysis

You have two cows. One is born with an advantageous mutation. It passes on its genes to its descendants. The other cow cannot compete and dies.

Daniel Dennett Analysis

If you believe these are sacred cows, then just wait a minute and I'll have two hamburgers to show you.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:06 AM

Descartian Analysis

You think, therefore you have two cows.

Descartes 2 - Cartesian Cowordinates (X,Y)

You have two cows. One is located at the origin (0,0), and the other has jumped over the Moon (3750000,7600000).

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:07 AM

Dilbert Analysis

You have two cows. You should probably get them out of your cubicle.

E. E. Cummings Analysis

two cows lived in a pretty how town

Elko Analysis

You have two cows? Big deal. I have three sheep!

Fallout Analysis

You have two brahmin. You kill them, then sell their parts for bottlecaps.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:09 AM

Freudian Analysis

You have two cows. You dream that they come to your bedroom at night, dressed in your mother's clothes. On waking, you initially deny that this could mean anything. On further consideration you move through phases of intellectualisation, displacement and projection, and finally determine that the cows represent a psychic compensation for the passive/aggressive treatment you received from your father during your adolescence. Also, you want to have sex with your cows.

Freudian Analysis 2

You have two cows, because of your mother.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:10 AM

Futurist Analysis

An infinite series of bovine planes unite in a momentary aspect of Cow to feed the populace and inspire the ceaseless juggernaut into the -- (author was assassinated before he could finish his thought)

The Galileo Analysis

You drop two cows down a ramp and see which one goes faster. It turns out that cows do not like to go down ramps. You are trampled by two cows.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:12 AM

The Gandhi Analysis

You have two cows. One tries to break into your home using a baseball bat. You bravely stall the invasion by letting it hit you with the bat repeatedly. The cow declares Sovereign Authority over the neighborhood. The other shoots some of your neighbors for "rioting." You bravely protest by letting it hit you with a bat repeatedly. Some neighbors are mad the cows took over, and shoot some other neighbors. You bravely protest by starving. The shooting stops. The cows leave. You are happy. Your neighbor shoots you.

The Gandhi Analysis 2

You have two cows. You get to work late because they are blocking your driveway, and touching is FORBIDDEN.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:21 AM

The Gene Ray Analysis

There are actually 4 COWS, each existing in SIMULTANEOUS timespace during a 24-hour period. RELIGIOUS ARE THE LYING FALSE TWO-COW MEN WHO SPREAD DUPLICITY EVIL TWO-NESS LIES AND MUST SUFFER SLOW DEATH TO CREATE 4-COW HARMONY AND MAKE ROOM FOR TRUE 4-COW GENIUSES LIKE THE ONLY AUTHORITY ON TRUE WISDOM, GENE RAY.

The Gestalt Analysis

You have two cows, and together they are better than any two separate cows.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:22 AM

Gödelean Analysis

No farm able to support two cows can ever be complete.

The Grammar Nazi Analysis

You have two cattle.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:23 AM

Hegelian Analysis

You have two cows. The having of two cows is the -thesis-, and their very existence brings about in the World Spirit necessarily their negation, or -antithesis-, which is Mad cow disease. These two combine and form a -synthesis-, which is you not having any cows but instead insurance money, which is itself a new thesis, and as such necessitates the existence of its own antithesis. These will one day combine and form a synthesis, which is its own thesis...as infinitum, until you have a Farm, which is the ultimate ethical ideal and the final state of your agriculture.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:24 AM

Heraclitian Analysis

We milk and do not milk the same two cows, we are and are not.

Heraclitian Analysis 2

"It takes a blow to drive any animal to pasture."

Heraclitian Analysis 3

"You can never own the same cow twice, for different and again different cows are owned."

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:26 AM

Hitlerian Analysis

You admit you want your two cows to inspire terror in others.

Hitlerian Analysis 2

You have two cows. You declare one cow to not actually be a cow because it is not tall enough, and order its slaughter to preserve the stock.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:27 AM

Humean Analysis

You have two cows, but you don't know that because of any good reason. Knowing a cow is a bad habit.

Jungian Analysis

You have two cows. You accept that the cows are archetypal symbols of cowness that you have inherited from the collective unconscious. You avoid attaching any permanent meaning to the cows to prevent them from losing their symbolic power and thus engendering a form of neurosis. You finally achieve complete individuation by creating a balance between the cowness and symbolic cowness of the cows.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:28 AM

Kabbalistic Analysis

You have two cows. This imbalance of feminine vs. masculine will have an adverse effect on the Godhead. You should ideally have one bull and one cow, that male and female may be as one above and below.

Kantian Analysis

You are told you have two cows. You have tried to prove that they exist and have failed. You have tried to prove they do not exist and have failed. Therefore, you are perfectly justified in accepting the existence of your two cows since their existence is beneficial (i.e., you get milk).

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:29 AM

C.S. Lewis Analysis

If I say I have two cows, I am either a liar, a lunatic, or I'm telling the truth. I say I have two cows, and I am neither a liar nor lunatic, so I must be telling the truth. Also: Jesus.

Gongsun Longzi Analysis

Sophist: A White cow is not a cow.

Person 2: How so?

Sophist: "Cow" specifies shape, "White" specifies color. If you wanted just a "cow," it could be white, spotted, or black; "White cow" does not include spotted or black cows. Ergo, a "White cow" is not a cow.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:30 AM

L. Ron Hubbard Analysis

You have two cows because the galactic lord Xenu put thetans in your body millions of years ago. You can get rid of your two cows without resorting to pharmaceuticals, we'll just need access to that diamond mine you've been sitting on.

The Matrix Analysis

There is no cow.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:32 AM

Mathematical Analysis

You have two cows, you kill one, you have one cow.

Mathematical Analysis 2

Your existence reaches its limit as your number of cows reaches two.

Nagelean Analysis

What is it like to be a cow?

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:33 AM

Nietzschian Analysis

You have two cows. They are the herd. You are the individual. The cows have failed to unfetter themselves from the unquestioned foundations of the same-thinking slave morality. You have risen above this, revolted against slavery and achieved one-ness by the triumphant affirmation of your creative energy by killing the cows and eating them. Raw.

Nietzschian Analysis 2

The cows are dead.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:35 AM

Nihilistic Analysis

What's the point, I say? Your two cows will be incinerated in a short while, along with you.

Non-standard Analysis

You have two cows. You divide by zero and then multiply by infinity. You have one cow.

Mr.T's Analysis

I pity the foo' that don't have two cows!

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:36 AM

Objectivist Analysis

A cow is A cow. Your cows, to be commanded, must be obeyed. You can't have your cows and eat them too.

Fred Phelps Analysis

God hates your funny cows. He shall mock you in the face and send you to hell along with your sinful cows. I wish your two cows had been in the Twin Towers when they went down in --- York City.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:37 AM

Platonic Analysis

You have two cows. Your two cows are the physical manifestations of the ideal form of a cow. All knowledge is only ever knowledge of the forms. These forms are a necessary condition of existence for your two cows and define the various ways in which sensible cows can exist. Forms are immune from change, since they have no spatial or temporal properties. Therefore your two cows are immune from change as they lack spatial and temporal properties.

Pythagorean, Hindu, and Buddhist Analysis

Don't eat either of your two cows, one could be a dead relative.

Damocles · April 6th, 2009, 07:38 AM

Quinian Analysis

If someone speaking another language comes up to you, points at your two cows and says something in his language, he could be saying "you have two cows." However, he could also be saying "hark," or "behold, for there are two cows before me that are yours," or "two instances of cowness," "two four-dimensional temporal-spatial representations of cows," "the appearance of two cows," etc. This is known as the Indeterminacy of Translation, and it actually applies to even your own language. It can be overcome by knowing every word in a target language, and nothing less.