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Peter F Hamilton
You have two cows. One is a psychopath who is possessed by the spirits of long-dead cows and tries to destroy all cows in the galaxy. The other finds a deus ex machina to stop him.
Saturn Returns (Sean Williams)
You are a cow, painstakingly reassembled from the explosion of your hidden hard copy by a alien collective intelligence. There are just a few problems, you don't remember everything and you think you used to be a bull.
The Sea Beggars (Paul Kerney)
You are a bull, trained from birth be an assassin and attracted to your cow teacher - romancing her will be the catalyst for tragedy, adventure and revenge.
Olympiad (Tom Holt)
Two mad competitive cows spark war.
Alexander at the World's End (Tom Holt)
Your goofed up colt pupil grows up into a goofed up bull warrior that leaks on your philosophy and takes you for the ride before he kills you.
Song of Nero (Tom Holt)
Two young bulls, remarkably similar, one in a position of power the other a con-bull. The vagaries of politics spell disaster, but the story is only starting.
Darkwar (Glen Cook)
You are a hard as nails young heifer who is discriminated against for being a rural dope. Undaunted, by the force of your power, personality firepower and a little genocide you rise to heights of dominance never before seen, as the Doomstalker, the greatest witch-cow ever. As you grow old and your empire crumbles about you, sensing that the time of the witch cow is at the end you make the final Ceremony assuring victory at the cost of your lifeforce.
The herd still thinks you will return in case of great need.
Goodkind:
You have two cows. Very ordinary cows. The kind of cows you've seen many times before. Dull cows for the most part, but they have their moments. Later they start acting exactly like your neighbors cows, the ones you always thought were much better. Eventually your cows stop producing milk altogether and start spouting their philosophy and you realize what a fouled-up place your farm has become. All you wanted was a little milk.
Lord of Light
You have two things. They never claimed to be cows. But then again they never claimed not to be cows. Neither admission could be of much benefit.
Dune
You have two cows. He who controls the cows controls the Universe.
Temeraire
You have two cows. This means you must become a cow-rider even though you always wanted to be a naval captain. Fortunately, your cows are telepathic and can breath fire.
The Da Vinci Code
You have two cows. Cows are an ancient symbol of the Knights Templar and using them you can persuade the woman you want to impress that she's descended from Jesus.
The collected works of L. Ron Hubbard
You have two cows. Now give them to Tom Cruise.
Tigana
You have two cows. You want to destroy them both to regain control of your farm (whose name nobody now remembers), but you know that unless you destroy them both simultaneously the surviving cow would be too strong to defeat.
The Lions of Al-Rassan
You have two cows. They are both supremely talented and great at everything they do. They respect and like each other but belong to different bovine religions so must inevitably fight against each other, although I'm not going to tell you who wins.
Excession
Two and a half millennia ago, the artifacts appeared in a remote corner of space, beside a trillion-year-old dying sun from a different universe. They were two perfect cows, and they did nothing. Then they disappeared. Now they are back.
The Armageddon Rag
You have two cows. If you can persuade another two cows to join in, you can start a rock band.
Fever Dream
You have two cows. They want you to build a steamboat for them. They don't seem to like sunlight and you've never seen them eating grass. Still, you really want the steamboat so you can put up with a few eccentricities.
Sandkings
You have two cows. You make them fight for your entertainment, but you have underestimated how dangerous they are.
The Hedge Knight
You had two cows. One of them died, but the other cow claims that the first cow made it a knight before it died.
This Tower of Ashes
You have two cows. Sometimes, as they follow you up the stairs on their six legs you start to feel something is a bit wrong. However, you don't think about it too much.
Dungeons and Dragons
You, a rogue, and a cleric enter a mysterious field; suddenly you see two cows. Roll and add the number to your milking skill to see how much milk you can get from them.
C. S. Lewis
You have two cows. They are a thinly veiled allegory.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.
ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.
ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.
AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows. You take one to the beach and teach it to surf, then you bung the other one on the barbie, drink some VB, and laugh at the idea of a surfing cow.
BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.
BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.
BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.
BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.
BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Re: Clean joke of the day.
