Clean joke of the day. - Page 15

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:43 PM

Hunters of Dune
(Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson): You have two cows. They milk a great series for all it is worth. The milk is already congealing. Frank Herbert rolls around in his grave.

And curdles.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:45 PM

Robert Jordan: You have two cows, they are joined by another, a bull. One who can "touch the tainted source of all milk, where females fear to tread." They do nothing at all for a very long time.

Yep. Curdled and SOURED Frank Herbert is.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:46 PM

Joe Abercrombie
You have two cows. That's it. You have to be realistic.

Joe Haldeman
You have two cows. Due to relativistic travel, you get more cows. Then you have no cows. KABOOM.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:47 PM

Jennifer Fallon
You have two cows. One disappears. You start a new religion.

George RR Martin
The cow has two heads.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:49 PM

Count of Monte Cristo (Dumas):
You have two cows. One is awesome at everything. The other cows are jealous, and they get him in trouble with the farmer. The farmer sends him to the meat packing plant to be slaughtered, but with the help of a distinguished older cow, he escapes. He returns to the farm to enact his terrible revenge.

Dumas, like Lucas, only has one "s". I thought I'd point that out.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:50 PM

Gates of Fire (Pressfield): You have two cows. Plus 298 more. Together they must hold the pass against the relentless hordes of the House of Steak Empire. The 300, along with a few others that are not really important, fight to the death so that other cattle might live.

Would have been a better read; if they had been LIONS.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:53 PM

Soylent Green
One cow is horrified to discover he ate the other cow

Alexandre Dumas again
You have two cows. A man from your past comes, and you wind up in mad despair, with no cows.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:54 PM

Daniel Abraham
You have two cows. These are the only cows in the world, because your ancestors bound the concept of cow to reality through a poem.

Süskind
You have two cows. You kill them to get a drop of cow essence, that you use to attract four more cows.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:55 PM

Leiber
You have two cows. Supernatural events rob you of them, but you get it on with the girls who helped stealing them.

Brin
You have two cows. Both are uplifted, and with your help, manage to win against large hostile alien hordes.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:57 PM

Hobb
You have two cows. But you cannot allow anyone to know about it. No-one can know the suffering of your heart or your power over them. You milk them from the shadows.

And you are really weird!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:58 PM

Robert Jordan:
You have two cows. One knows all about women. The other knows all about women.

George R.R. Martin:
You have two cows. One is brutally murdered. The other has a big dinner.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 12:59 PM

Stephen King:
You have two cows. One fled across the farm, and the other followed.

Neal Stephenson:
You have two cows. Suitably regular complex-valued periodic functions on the real line have Fourier series and these functions can be recovered from their Fourier series.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:01 PM

China Mieville:
You have two cows. And a bunch of supercool monsters. Society is still going to fix your little red wagon for you.

I really didn't like you or your cows.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:03 PM

The Hobbit
You have legally inherited a herd of cows but the herd has been stolen. You and your friends go on a lengthy quest to get the herd back from a famous bandit, since the two cows you actually have in your possession aren't nearly enough. You succeed but end up dying when everyone and their neighbor decides to use the opportunity to snatch some of the bandit's numerous cows now that he's dead and things come to blows. Your grave is decorated with the skull of the finest cow in the herd.

Maybe you should reread that book because that synopsis didn't make any sense?

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:04 PM

The Lord of the Rings You have one cow. You think the cow, whom you have started to call Precious, is whispering you about how it can produce enough milk to flood the worldwide market and drown your competitors.

Better.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:25 PM

Stephen King
You have two cows. One is haunted. The other is ordinary and you only have it for making your memoirs longer and more full of local color.

The City and the Stars
You can have unlimited virtual cows but you are afraid of pastures.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:26 PM

Ubik
You have two cows... Wait, now they're two aurochs!

Memory, Sorrow and Thorn
You have one cow and are questing to complete a set of three cows. You figure it will help, somehow.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:27 PM

Chronicles of The Raven
You have five cows. They insist on calling themselves "The Giraffe" and their produce Warm Milk. They look so tough that you have to go along with their habitual capital letter abuse.

The Sacred Seven
You have one cow. It is your twin brother in disguise. It does not produce milk and is really very lame for a cow.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:28 PM

Narnia
You have two cows. You wonder which Biblical allegory they are supposed to represent.

His Dark Materials
You have two cows. You have a lot of fun adventures running away from moral guardians. Then it is revealed to you that the only way to save the universe is for you, the chosen one, to engage in a questionable morality.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:29 PM

Lord of Light
You have two cows. Your neighbors pay for their food, as you have convinced your neighbors to consider the cows holy.

Mordant's Need
You are a wizard of a cow breeder. You have bred two cows. One milks salt water, the other waves of carnivorous maggots. You are trying to breed a cow that milks milk. You hope your experiments will pay off in your lifetime.

Some of these are getting lame.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:32 PM

World Without End (Ken Follett)
You have two cows, you used too have thousands, but all of the rest died from the Black Plague. One of the cows likes to build. The other one like too put its nose in everybody's else business.

It appears that both cows need an appontment with a butcher, the sooner, the better.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:34 PM

Goodkind I
You have two cows. Every time you milk them, they seem to enjoy it waaaaay too much and you always feel dirty.

Goodkind II
You have two cows. Two very productive cows who have produced lots of milk over the years and even bred successfully to produce other cows of their prolific, but bizarre breed. And then you decide they are dogs. You try to run them to the Fox Hunt. You keep throwing things at them demanding they "catch". You even spend an inordinate amount of time showing everyone and anyone how much they are dogs by trying to show where their "kick" spot is. To no avail.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 01:35 PM

Martin
You have two cows. Calves actually. Not even weaned. But they have taken over the whole farm, one through stealth assassins on the chicken population and the other by climbing over The Wall.

Jordan
You have two cows. Who have hooked up with one Bull.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:03 PM

Newcomb
You have two cows. But you keep slopping them and oinking at them.

Bilsborough
You have two cows. You keep saying you have now invented milk and the burger

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:05 PM

Lynch
You have two cows. You harness them to a carriage and treat them exactly like horses and have now been lauded for re-defining the farm animal

Anne Bishop
You have two cows. You spend all your time coming up with immature salacious ways to describe their udders and the milking process.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:07 PM

Jacqueline Carey
You have two cows. One really seems to actually enjoy being branded distracting you while the other cow released the rest of the animals.

Trudi Canavan
You have two cows. the prettier one turns out to be evil while the pure sweet one is always getting into the pen with a much older and completely unsuitable bull.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:08 PM

David Eddings
You have two cows. who could not be more cow like. who come in to be milked exactly on time every time. Moo exactly like a cow should moo. And are the dullest most bovine of bovines you could imagine.

Naomi Novik
You have two cows. One just wants to eat and sleep the other is leading a crusade for cows to have the right to vote, own property and is always going off and making friends and enemies of cows on neighboring farms.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:09 PM

Mercedes Lackey
You have two cows. Who somehow have managed to take the entire local Troubled Youth Shelter under their udders and has them all living in the shed.

Terry Brooks
You have two cows. Actually you have two dead cows. Two dead cows that have been dead for so long that they now look like a pair of shoes. And yet every day you still get out your stool. Get out your bucket....

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:11 PM

Raymond E. Feist
You have two cows. One is now mated with a Zebra. The other is a phsycist working on particle Acceleration and might just be approaching deification. And not just in India.

Arthmail
You have two cows. So you slaughter them, cover them in HP, and eat them. And they are good.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 02:13 PM

Rock music:

Sting Vs. Bowie
You have two cows. One is awesome beyond belief, and is named Sting. The other is a stringy old thing not worth the hide, named Bowie. Bowie Cow moo's off key, and likes to sleep with Jagger-Cow. This makes all of the other farm animals sick. Sting-Cow stays awesome even when its over the hill ready for hamburger.