Clean joke of the day. - Page 14

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 10:58 AM

A Dance With Dragons
You see two dots in the distance...they are cows.

Naked Lunch
One cow runs around in a drug-induced frenzy before collapsing in a deliquescing pile of goo, while the other quotes Beat poetry about the erotica of fascism.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 10:59 AM

Sword of Truth
You have two cows that are not cows, but are in fact evil incarnate.

Malazan Book of the Fallen
You have two cows. You kill and eat them. And then they come back.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:00 AM

Malazan again:
You have two cows: one holds nine separate bovine souls, one is a warren unto itself for 15,000 pages.

The Pillars of the Earth:
You have two cows: one wants to build a church..

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:01 AM

The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
You have two cows. You regard them as mere animals but then their goodness and innocence wins you over and you find yourself in a war against the evil butchershop owner.

The Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
You have two cows. They drink human blood. You love them anyway.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:02 AM

David Eddings
You have two cows. One is blue. The other is red. They are supposed to be evenly matched, but the blue one wins every time. You are bored.

The Lies of Locke Lamora
You claim to have two cows. In truth you have two trillion and strive always to get more. You bother milking only two of them and employ no milkmaids. Cows are forever, right?

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:03 AM

Ea Cycle
You have two cows. Their souls remind you of stars. You teach the cows to meditate.

The Night Land
You have no cows anymore. You are barricaded inside the farm house for safety against the ferocious mutant cows and their foul offspring. This has been going on for a while.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:05 AM

A Christmas Carol
You have a steak, a cow and a calf, but at the end of the day, Tiny Tim gets a goose.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Cowdledum and Cowdledee or how GINO was written. (Inhouse joke.)

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:06 AM

Through the Looking Glass
'Twas brillig, and the slithy cows/did gyre and gimble through the wabe. (Another GINO joke.)

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:06 AM

Wild Cards
You have two cows. One dies and the other grows jellyfish legs.

Jhereg
You have two cows. You're hungry, but if you kill one cow the herd next door will trample you to death.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:07 AM

Yendi
You have two cows. One tries to kill the other, then sleeps with it.

Confessor
You have two cows. You banish them to another world with all of the other cows, but you keep the goats.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:08 AM

Malazan yet again!
You have two cows. They are 10,000 years old and occasionally turn into dragons. You don't know why.

Elric
You have two cows. One tries to kill you, so you burn down the barn.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:10 AM

The Heralds of Valdemar
You have two telepathic cows. Lucky you.

Paladin of Shadows
You have two cows. You trade them for more whores? What are you, stupid?.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:11 AM

Feast for Crows:
You were supposed to have two cows, but Martin only gave you one. He swears that he'll be sending the second cow any day now...

Harry Turtledove
Uou have two cows, one is a alien lizard in disguise, the other wants to be the dictator of the Confederate States of America.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:13 AM

Mélusine
You have two cows. Through careful study of them you invent the magical discipline of Bovinurgy. Somehow, this involves a lot of weird sociology.

David Eddings
You have two cows. They are fivefold each. Despite different names, they are the same. They are real cash cows.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:15 AM

Isaac Asimov
You have two cows which must always follow the three laws of dairy farming.

Kushiel.
You have two cows that turn out to be into kinky morality every time you get stuck in a plot hole.

Heinlein
Same as Kushiel

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:19 AM

Riftwar.
You have two cows. One is a powerful wizard who can travel between worlds, the other is a powerful warrior who also can travel between worlds.

Riftwar again.
You have two cows. Both of them are idiots.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:20 AM

R.A. Salvatore:
You have two cows. They slashed left and killed an orc.

Matthew Stover:
You have two cows. You eat one. The other moos "surrender to you? Hell no!" and eats you.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:22 AM

Kelly Link
You have two cows. They aren't cows, they are zombie ballerina superhero disgruntled 20 something TV stars.

Paladin of Shadows
You have two cows because you adopt them. LIKE CATS. These cows also have the killing prowess of a ninja master and the bedroom skills of the most ambitious harlots. You are nuits!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:23 AM

Kim Stanley Robinson
You have two cows. One of them works for a large multinational corporation. The other is an eco-terrorist who writes poetry about soil erosion and its contribution to the decline of edible grasses. Both of them are very buff. They meet a bull who is a revolutionary working in low-level government, have an orgy, and reconcile their differences while still disagreeing on whether genetically-modified alfafa is an acceptable solution to the world's problems.

And again you are nuts!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:25 AM

Tim Powers
You have two cows. One of them is actually an elaborate puppet controlled by a tiny bull living inside its heart. The other is a reincarnation of Hathor the Celestial Cow, brought to life by a crazed ghost in an elaborate plot to regain a body and become immortal. They are actually the same cow, but one of them has traveled back in time from the future.

And the theme continues....

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:26 AM

Joe Abercrombie
You have two loyal cows. One of them might be a spy for the Dairy Farmers' Guild, so you must torture them both to get answers while complaining that you haven't been able to eat steak in many years.

Toby Barlow
You have two cows. But they're really werecows that run in herds.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:27 AM

Samuel Beckett
You're still waiting for your two cows.

Umberto Eco
The two cows might be templars.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:28 AM

Jeff VanderMeer
You had two cows. One was devoured by squid. The other hangs around with a demented dwarf at the Borges Bookstore.

Ursula Le Guin
You never had two cows. They refused to accept any sort of hegemonic power you might claim over them- so you ate them.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:30 AM

R.A Salvatore.
You have two good cows. They both hate life on your farm. All your other cows are evil. One of the good cows displeases you, and the evil cows sacrifice the other one to appease you. The surviving good cow flees to the farm of kindly old McDonald.

You really should have raised chickens!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:32 AM

H.P Lovecraft.
You have two cows. This gives you no comfort, for you have had a mercifully brief glimpse into the true nature of the universe. Mankind is as ephemeral to the cyclopean cosmic horrors as a mayfly is to a man. When the stars are right, the Old Ones will rise and humanity will die. It will have existed only briefly, hardly even a distraction to eldritch, ancient terrors. It will leave no greater mark behind than will your two cows.

Yeah. Mooooooving along......

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:34 AM

George Orwell:
You have two cows. The big one is always watching.

Gemmell
You have two cows. You think because they're old and grey that they're weak and easy prey in battle. The one cow greets your misconception with a two-bladed axe to the head, the other with a quarrel through the eye.

And then they really go to work!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:35 AM

Lynch
You have two cows. They both play games and pretend to be something they're not. Discovery of this will lead to an inevitable hit in the solar plexus.

Sword of Truth:
You have two beings that look like cows, but they are not cows. They are evil. They are in league with the chicken.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:36 AM

Steven Erikson
You have two cows. Both are pulling on a cart running away from chaos. One of them is wondering why that Tiste Andii did not simply use a knife when he wanted to eat.

Iain M. Banks
You have two cows. One is a Culture citizen who just wanted to enjoy eating grass. The other is a Special Circumstances drone disguised as a cow which plans to overthrow the evil cow empire using the other cow as its agent.

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:40 AM

Market Forces (Morgan): You have two cows. One is at the top of the cow pasture ladder. The other wants to be. After a lengthy friendship, the second cow climbs to the top by crushing the skull of the other after a lengthy run through a meadow. That cow is now a partner in Farm Risk International.

Altered Carbon (Morgan): You have two cows. One diddles the other six ways from Sunday before going on a killing spree in the pasture. The cow kills four sheep, two goats, six horses, the farmer, the farmer's daughter, three kittens, a goose and the aging hound dog while trying to understand the supposed "self-milking" of the third cow, the one who hired him. The second cow is upset with what the first cow has done, but only for a minute, before they start whatever it was they did again.

Black Man (Morgan): You have two cows. But one is not just a cow, its a black cow, a Black Bull in fact. The other bulls are made nervous by the sheer power and masculinity of the Black Bull, while all the cows want to be with him. The Black Bulls job is to bring in other bulls that have left the field, usually with lethal force. There is copious diddling.

That was a bovine waste of time!

Damocles · April 4th, 2009, 11:43 AM

Dune (Herbert): You have two cows. One cow is very special, a result of a special breeding program of the Bene Farmer. He is the Kwisatz Udderach - the one who can moo in many places at once. It is he who will lead his millions of Frecows across the pastures, like a fire of death across the known universe, trying to end the tryanny of the Milkstraad.

Uhhhhhh. Yeah.