Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Star Wars Drinking Game
[Blatantly ripped off from https://www.mcseinfo.com/joke/jokes-starwars.html]

If you are not of the legal drinking age in your country, please remember to play this game with lemonade or your favorite non-alcoholic beverage. May the Force be with you!!!

To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:

1.The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game). The Special Edition is optional but not necessary.
2.An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
3.A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all around you. Kapow! (optional)
4. Plenty of cushions, bean bag chairs, etc. to collapse on afterwards.

Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten "Star Wars" videotape into the big slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen. Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events. Every time one of them occurs, everybody takes a sip of their drink.

Drink when:

1.Someone has a bad feeling about this.
2.It's their only hope.
3.An entire planet is described as having one climate.
4.Somebody gets choked.
5.a woman other than Leia is on screen
6.An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
7.Somebody's hand gets cut off.
8.A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
9.There is a tremor in the Force.
10.It's not someone's fault
11.One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing
12.A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks
13.Someone exclaims "No!"
14.Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea
15.Twice if it's not Han
16.Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end
17.Someone is mind-controlled using the Force
18.People kiss
19.A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black
20.Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts)
21.Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray
22.Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen
23.An elaborately made up alien has no lines
24.Someone or something tries to get money from Han
25.Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
26.Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber)
27.An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count'em.)
28.It is Luke's destiny.
29.Luke whines.
30.Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
31.Luke fights monsters or savages.
32.Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
33.Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
34.Luke is upside-down
35.Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time
36.Twice if they speak to each other
37.Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed
38.Luke refuses to take someone's advice
39.Luke yells "Artooooo!"
40.Leia insults somebody.
41.Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands
42.Twice if it covers her neck
43.Three times if she's almost totally nude
44.Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
45.Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.")
46.Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
47.Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
48.Something doesn't work on the Falcon
49.Twice if it's the hyperdrive
50.Yoda uses bad grammar.
51.Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
52.R2-D2 gets thrashed.
53.R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
54.C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.)
55.C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with
56.A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white
57.Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count)
58.A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
59.A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
60.Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
61.The Emperor cackles evilly.
62.The Emperor has foreseen something.
63.Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them
64.Twice if he tries to kill them
65.Boba Fett talks.
66.Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
67.Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
68.Any Imperial Ship is destroyed
69.A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
70. Luke loses a family member/close friend and acts remarkably composed.
71. Carrie forgets her lines and has to have someone mouth them to her.
72. Han uses a crisis to sneak a grope at Leia.
73. There are more cardboard figures than actors on screen.

The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you've been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible. If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.

Special!!!!

And especially for those non-drinkers, there is:

THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME FOR BATTLESTAR FANS

The rules are basically the same as the other game but the drinking cues are different.

Drink when:

1.Stormtroopers display intelligence, courage, or training in battle.
2.Multiple Ewoks are killed.
3.Fantastic technology is explained.
4.Somebody listens to C-3PO.
5.Somebody cares about the environment.
6.The Emperor acts like a charming politician.
7.A woman is on screen, and an Imperial.

Last, but not least, don't forget to print out copies of this (in very large letters) to refer to. Have fun!!!

[Damocles]

Signs That You May Be a
Complete Star Wars Addict
You watch the entire trilogy at least once a month.

You don't need a TV and VCR to watch the movies.

You know at least 10 Star Wars website addresses by heart.

You know all the forms in which it's been released (theater, Pan &Scan video, Letterbox, Laserdisc, etc.) and know the differences between them.

You can recite *all* the dialogue from the entire trilogy.

You quote the trilogy at apropos moments.

You draw comparisons to Star Wars in casual conversation.

You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, your reply is, "Unexpected this is... and unfortunate!"

You know the names of all major cast members and what they're doing now.

You have a list of major bloopers and inside jokes in your head.

You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

You're always game to hear the latest rumor about the new films.

Even if you don't buy the spinoff material, you know it's out there, who wrote it, who published it, and you can probably give a synopsis of it.

You can pick more nits out of a spinoff novel than Lucas himself.

You hunt through ROTJ frame-by-frame searching for the shoe.

You have gone over ANH and ESB frame-by-frame, just in case someone put a shoe in there, too.

You think John Williams is the greatest composer ever lived.

You wonder why the SW theme never makes it into any of those "Classical Collections"...

You make lists like "101 Uses for An Ewok," OR "Signs

You May Be a SW Addict!" (no comment)

Your internet handle or signature refers to Star Wars.

Your friends regularly quiz you on SW factoids.

Whenever you buy a new appliance, you always make sure and get that one that speaks Bocce.

You know more about the major characters' personalities than Lucasfilm does.

When something is just out of your reach, you close your eyes and try to "force" it into your hand.

When your professor hands you back a paper and says, "Commas are your weakness," you retort, "And your faith in your friends is yours!!"

You know all the words to that Ewok song.

Everytime someone tells you one of their deepest secrets you gloat and say, "You're far too trusting."

You insist on telling people the odds about everything!

People tell you to stop saying, "I have a bad feeling about this" so often.

You are counting the days until movie one of the prequels.

You can't pick up a flashlight without waving it around and humming.

You think the babblings of Yoda are relevant and useful to everyday life.

When you experience insomnia, you begin counting nerf.

You know what a nerf is.

When you put Star Wars in the VCR and push "play," it's like you're being transported to another world.

Someone mentions being abducted by little green men and you respond by pointing out that Yoda would never do such a thing!

You find yourself discussing characters from the books and movies as if they were actually old friends of yours.

You don't need subtitles when an alien speaks in one of the movies.

You have a pet named after one of the characters.

You have a child named after one of the characters or stars.

You truly believe you are strong in the Force.

Yoda and Ben appears to you in your dreams and you take their advice on a regular basis.

A SW *.wav file plays on your computer whenever you do a windows application.

You truly believe, after 13 years, that the new movies will be released any day now.

When you get in trouble and your parents decide to punish you, they know that the only way they'll get through to you is by taking away your privilege to watch Star Wars.

You dream about Star Wars, both at night and during the day.

When you read SW books, you can see it happening in your head.

You can't read a quote from one of the movies without acting like the person who actually said it!

James Earl Jones will ALWAYS be Darth Vader to you, no matter what other role he is in.

You are saving your money now. Because the special editions and prequels are coming out soon and you know that what you want to do will require a lot of money!!

[Damocles]

The Marina
It was a hot summer day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Unfortunately, Opie was late. He had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. They were able to save money on her examinations because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment took longer than expected, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

(You may groan now!)

[Damocles]

Top Ten ways Star Wars beats the X-Files
10) Boba Fett would not have made the mistake of killing Scully's sister.

9) When Fox Mulder has a problem with the government, he breaks into an abandoned facility. When the Rebels get mad, they load into the X-Wings and blow stuff up!!!

8) Leia looks better in a bikini.

7) Luke and Han take on entire platoons of stormtroopers by themselves. Mulder gets his butt kicked by the flukeman.

6)When Han needs help, he turns to the smooth Billy Dee Williams. When Mulder needs help, he turns to three computer geeks from a Star Trek convention.

5) One word: Ewoks.

4) Cigarette Man smokes cigarettes to look mean. Darth Vader knows cigarettes don't make one mean. Blowing up planets does.

3) Vader also doesn't need cigarettes to have a breathing problem.

2) Everyone knows that the only reason Mulder and Scully use those really bright flashlights is for the lightsaber effect they get in the dark.

And the number one reason Star Wars beats the X-Files:

1) Deep Throat gets shot, and that's the last you see of him. Obi-Wan gets vaporized by a lightsaber, and not only still shows up for the rest of that movie, but comes back for 2 sequels.

[Damocles]

Top 10 Bad Things About Having
a Summer Time Share with Darth Vader
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

[Damocles]

Star Wars Programmer
Luke: "You used to program?"

Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."

Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."

Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."

Luke: "I wish I had known him."

Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."

Luke: "How did my father die?"

Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."

Luke: "Money?"

Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."

Luke: "What is it?"

Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems
programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."

[Damocles]

You're Not A Star Wars Junkie Until....
When you're looking through your drawer for that other black sock, you aid your search by telling yourself, "Lock on to the strongest power source, it SHOULD be the power generator."

When riding your bike, you look behind you and accelerate wildly by pressing down on the petal with your right toe.

You've ever pretended the orange in your lunchbox was a thermal detonator, and thought about using it to get a better price at the milk counter.

You've made your Kenner Darth Vader figure a "proper" cloak out of cloth, to replace the cheap vinyl one he came with.

You've kept the "good" action figures stored separately from the "bad" ones.

Whenever you went anywhere outside with your friends, you always walked single file, to hide your numbers.

You've written several letters to the President recommending that he dissolve the council, put power in the hands of the regional governors, and let fear keep the local systems in line.

In college, after several hours of poker, you got thrown our of the game for suggesting, "How about some sabacc?"

You believe there really is a Lando System, they just haven't found it yet!

You've ever called somebody "laserbrain' - and meant it.

You've ever used fishing line to try the snow speeder - tow cables maneuver on your cat.

When you and a friend have been on one of those amusement park rides where you had to sit back to back, and you started calling him Dack and told him to stop whining about his approach vector.

Whenever your mother asked you to babysit your little brother, you always instilled confidence by replying, "leave him to me. I will deal with him myself."

When trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "the Force is strong with this one."

On Halloween, you would never dress as one of the following:

Luke
Han Solo
Leia
Vader
Chewie
Threepio
Artoo

However, you would dress as:

Wedge
Porkins
Crix Madine
that spider droid from Jabba's palace
that fat dancer from Jabba's palace
Sy Snootles
Imperial Death Star firing officers (dorky hat patrol)
Mos Eisley Cantina bartender
The sewer monster
Boba Fett!
An Imperial probe droid

You always kept a bowl filled with live three-legged frogs next to your bed, just in case you wanted a snack.

As a child, whenever you had broken something, your response was always, "It must've had a self-destruct mechanism. I didn't hit it that hard."

You actually CAN move things with the Force.

You've refused to enter a cave/cavern/tunnel without a handgun and a large stick.

You've told the mall Christmas elf, "You will take me to Santa now."

When someone had apoligized to you, you choked him and told him that you accepted his apology.

You've told people that you're fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

When you waited for a friend to catch up with you, you told him to hurry up or he'd be a permanent resident.

The girl you've been going out with suddently tells you she loves you and you said, "I know."

You've bought Wing Commander III and/or IV just because Mark Hamill was in it!

You've composed lyrics to the SW theme.

You've tried to create your own Yoda puppet out of a green sock and some buttons.

You have lightsaber duelled with cardboard tubes, rolled up periodicals, or common garden vegetables.

When nobody else is around, you've seriously tried to draw something into your hand with the Force.

You've used one of Solo's lines in an intimate situation.

You've been pulled over by a policeman and when asked to see your drivers' liscence you replied, "You don't need to see my identification."

You have physically threatened anyone who referred to "Hans Solo" or "Dark Vader", confused Star Wars with Star Trek, or spellied Wookiee with only one "e."

You have held up an onion ring and said, "Look sir, droids."

You've referred to Wedge Antilles or Boba Fett as "The Man."

Everytime you put a glove on your right hand you say... "that's right, Artoo. We're going to the Dagobah System. I have a promise to keep to an old friend."

You've ever found yourself in a chat room, training Jedi.

You've tried to make your own lightsaber.

You've gotten into a fist fight with a Trekkie.

You've told family and friends that your children LOVE Star Wars, even though they really don't, just so you can play with the toys!

You've bought a white Isuzu Trooper, strictly because of the name

[Damocles]

How Darth Vader Stole Christmas
In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

"Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

"How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader.... "Because I've felt your presents...."

[Damocles]

TOP TEN SIGNS ITS TIME
TO LEAVE THE EMPIRE
10. Get ordered to go chase the Millenium Falcon

9. Get promoted to Star Destroyer Captian after commander "mysteriously" kicks the bucket

8. Life Insurance for TIE Pilots just too expensive

7. When out with friends, can never pick up the good looking women because you can't see out of the stupid helmet

6. Others make fun of you because you follow a talking squeeling toaster around the Death Star

5. Find out Stormtrooper armor really made out of paper mache' (sp?)

4. Tired of having the Emperor making you dance just by twitching his fingers

3. You here someone say "Ah, flying through an asteriod field ain't all that bad"

2. When promised you would see the galaxy if you joined the imperial Navy didn't know they meant going to Tatooine

And the number one reason:

1. Three words: Vader's sparring partner

[Damocles]

Star Wars:
Changing Luke
One day Luke gets fed up with life as a farmer so he goes to see Old Ben the local magician.

Luke: Ben I'm really fed up being a farmer can you turn me into something else?

Ben: Like what?

Luke: Well I guess it would be cool to be a Dewback.

Ben: Ok but only if you're sure.

Luke: I'm sure all right but let me go off and have one last drink as a human.

Luke goes off to have his drink.

Owen and Beru are getting worried so they go and see Old Ben to see if he knows where Luke is.

Owen: Hey Ben have you seen Luke today?

Ben: Yes. he's gone for a drink but he won't be Dewback until later

[Damocles]

Cow jokes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

[Damocles]

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to someone else.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and evenly distributes the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

[Damocles]

Dzur - You have two cows. You kill one and make dinner using the flank steak lightly cooked in olive oil with garlic, shallots, paprika, 5 different kinds of pepper and turmeric. It is served with a red wine reduction sauce flavored with tarragon, basil and vinegar on a square plate with rounded corners and filligreed edges.

[Damocles]

The Anita Blake series - You have two cows. They want you to be their leader but you have to have sex with them first.

Wizard's First Rule - You have two very odd-looking cows.

Or

Wizard's First Rule - You have two cows. One makes you fall in love with it and the other punches a melon-sized hole in your chest.

[Damocles]

The Wheel of Time - You have two cows. Eventually they will drive you insane just like everyone else who has had two cows.

A Song of Ice and Fire - You have two cows. They both get killed.

[Damocles]

Laurell K Hamilton:
One of them turns out to be a were-cow and has kinky intentions with the other one, who is a vampire cow.

Shakespeare
One of them is a bull in disguise, who falls in love with the other cow with hilarious consequences.

Robert Jordan
One of the cows folds her legs beneath her, while the other one tugs her braid and smooths her skirt.

[Damocles]

Prince of Nothing
Both cows are skin-spies. And then death comes swirling down.

Philip K. Dick
You have two cows. One of them watches you when your back is turned. The other has stolen your drugs on behalf of the government.

[Damocles]

The Inferior
If you don't kill and eat those two cows, they will kill and eat you.

The Bible
You have two cows. Two chickens. Two giraffes. And an ark.

[Damocles]

Robinson Crueso
You have two cows. They're starting to look mighty attractive.

Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
You have two cows. They are both off-world galactic hitch hikers who don't take you with them when the Earth is bulldozed.

[Damocles]

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
You have two cows. One of them is a right evil one. And come to think of it, you've never seen them both in the same room...

Star Wars
You have two cows. One is your long lost sister and then the other turns round and declares 'I am your father' in a raspy voice.

[Damocles]

car Night/Iron Angel:
"You have two cows; they will end up in hell eventually.

Shadowbridge:
"You have two puppet cows".

[Damocles]

Neuropath:
"Your brain has two cows".

Battlestar Galactica:
"You have two cows and they have a red roving eye each".

[Damocles]

Jane Austen:
Alas, I can never wed because all I possess is two cows, what will become of me?

Tolkien
Two cows to rule them a

[Damocles]

Julian May:
Two cows, one operant, one latent. Doomed to conflict.

Stephen Donaldson:
Two cows, one has BSE and complains about it, a lot. The other falls in love anyway.

[Damocles]

Narnia
You have two cows, and you can't get either one to shut up.

Phillip Pullman
You had one cow, as close to you as part of your soul, but the Catholic church took it from you.

[Damocles]

Elfquest
You have two cows. One is obsessed with finding more cows and the other just wants to look at the stars and eat dreamberries

Hal Duncan
Your two cows are actually different versions of the same cow from alternate parts of the Vellum, and avatars of the Sumerian cow-god. And they're both gay.

[Damocles]

The Sword of Shannara
Two Cows to rule them all. In other words; a Tolkien ripoff.

Gordon R Dickson
You have two cows. They're gonna rip your guts out.

[Damocles]

The Blade Itself:
"Say something of your two cows, say that they are pawns in a game played by mighty gonzos, just like you".

Altered Carbon:
"You have two cow sleeves; they will have to do until you find better ones. Thanks to your envoy training you can overcome this problem and move to the next screen".

[Damocles]

World War Z:
You have two cows, but they are eaten by Zombies.

Sergei Lukyanenko:
You have two post communist cows, one of them is incredibly powerful, tho other moreso. they both battle the forces of darkness.

[Damocles]

Deadwood:
You have two cows, but they are worthless and end up being fed to Mr Wu's Pigs.

Erikson:
Your two cows have hitherto-undiscovered cow powers, with which they will defeat the slightly-less-capable ancestors of cows that we thought had become extinct.