Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Q. How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?
A. None, they're all on the outside.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?
A. A boyscout who cooks hassenpfeffer.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
A. A stain where the rabbit used to be.

[Damocles]

Q. How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
A. When it has hares in it.

Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A. Stew.

Q. What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?
A. Cold.

[Damocles]

Q. What do rabbits have that nothing else in the world has?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance?
A. The Hip Hop of course.

Q. Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup?
A. Looks like the back stroke.

[Damocles]

Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. They run from foxes.

Q. What do you cal a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A. A free lunch with a dictionary as a bomus.

Q. What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A. Robin Williams.

[Damocles]

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Mud.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.

Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A. Ouch!

[Damocles]

Q. Why is a bunny the unluckiest animal in the world?
A. It had four rabbits’ feet.

Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?
A. You post it.

Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. Twenty years of nothing but prison food, as opposed to one good meal of hassenpfeffer.

[Damocles]

Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A. Onion flavored rabbit stew.

Q. What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A. Worms.

Q. What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A. Live.

[Damocles]

Q. What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A. A bunny laughing its head off.

Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
A. Stick it in a pot!

Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies?
A. To the hare-after.

[Damocles]

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: What do you call a very smart bunny?
A: A bunny who turns down a luncheon invitation.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the Monday after Easter?
A: Leftovers.

[Damocles]

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One ax the other to dinner.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Silly! Rabbits don't talk.

[Damocles]

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q. Why does the Easter Bunny have such a shiny nose?
A. He's been polished with a tomato.

Q. What do you call it when a rabbit has an accident with a knife?
A. Dinner.

[Damocles]

Q. Why do rabbits do so well at school?
A. They're experts at multiplication.

Q. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. Neither: the Easter Bunny!

Q. Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?
A. To the retail store.

Q. Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost?
A. Make a noise like a carrot; he'll find you.

[Damocles]

Star wars kick>

Episode One (Abridged)

Episode One (Abridged)

Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 15:33:02 -0500

Obviously, don't read if you haven't seen the movie.

STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR Well, felgercarb.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR Who might you be?

LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.

JAR JAR (cont'd) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.

JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?

LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.

JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullfelgercarb I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.

YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.

LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What the **** is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a ****in bad ass in the next two ****in movies, you know. My toy has a ****in lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.

BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.

DARTH MAUL (cont'd) Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to felgercarb.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.

AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullfelgercarb, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!

END

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s...bridged_.shtml

[Damocles]

Job Posting

Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 10:20:22 -0500

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s..._posting.shtml

[Damocles]

Redneck Jedi

Redneck Jedi

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 11:56:51 -0500

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"

* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s...eck_jedi.shtml

[Damocles]

Star Pants

Star Pants

Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 16:37:50 -0500

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s...ar_pants.shtml

[Damocles]

Star Wars Name

How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
3: Insert the word "of"
4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

So I am Miccl Shnew, Krasca of Clarinex.

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s...ars_name.shtml

[Damocles]

Star Wars Vs. Titanic

Star Wars Vs. Titanic

Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 15:33:07 -0500

"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet.

https://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/s..._titanic.shtml

[Damocles]

Top Twenty Star Wars Related Famous Last Words

1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!"

2. "I am fluent in over six mil..."

3. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure."

4. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!"

5. To Lando: "Hiya master!"

6. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..."

7. "Emperor my butt!"

8. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!"

9. "Sorry, Kabe. All out of Juri Juice."

10. "Look mommy! Another moon just appeared out of nowhere! only isn’t it kinda small?"

11. "Whip, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, stir!" (Holiday special joke)

12. "Hey look! A vornskr! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

13. "Here's a good idea! Let's come into the Hoth system real close!"

14. "TIE Advanced? Never heard of it, but I'm sure I take it in my Y-Wing."

15.:: In front of Qwi Xux: "Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk!" while flapping arms

16. "Don't worry, this blaster has PLENTY of power left!"

17. "Finally! I've always wanted my own X-TIE!"

18. "Wuher! Check out this new droid I got!"

19. "Look at that ceeeeute little thing! What's his name again? Rukh?"

20. "And now back to the Star Wars Holiday Special!"

[Damocles]

Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons to Like Wedge Antilles

10. He saved Luke's life about a bizillion times

9. He's cool

8. He helped destroy 3, count em', 3 Death Stars (Read the books!)

7. He eats TIE fighters for breakfast.

6. He's cool.

5. He has that stylish orange flight jump suit.

4. "Look at the size of that blaster!"

3. He's cool.

2. He can topple an AT-AT in his sleep.

1. Yes you guessed it, HE'S COOL!

[Damocles]

T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe

"My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

"Have you hugged a wookie today?"

"I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)

"My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"

"Emperor's slugs need love too"

[Damocles]

Top 10 Reasons Why Bossk Is the Coolest Bounty Hunter

10. His action figure kicks butt.

9. Two words: live lunch.

8. His ship, "The Hound's Tooth, has flame decals and fuzzy dice.

7. it’s easier to give someone the middle finger since he's only got three fingers.

6. He's the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.

5. His bloodshot eyes are from constant partying.

4. He's nice to his mother.

3. He had the nerve to threaten an Imperial admiral on the Empire's flagship.

2. He skins Wookiees. 'Nuff said.

1. Can eat his own weight in Ewoks.

[Damocles]

Top Ten Reasons Why Star Wars Characters are Better

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- The Millannium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh -- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: Lightsaber

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire withone glance

5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is "M" class or not.

4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I"

1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it!

[Damocles]

Star Wars Songs!

Imperial Rhapsody
Sung to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody

LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stormtroopers start headbanging)

LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
to meeeeeeee.

[Damocles]

THE MAX REBO BAND
Sung To Billy Joel's The Pianoman

It's nine o'clock down at Jabba's place
the regular crowd waddles in
there's a weird thing sitting next to me
it has three eyes and mottled gray skin.

Fett says Max can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
but it's haunting and sweet and if you miss a beat
this carbine will blow off your nose.

He said sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Now Jabba the Hutt is a friend of mine
he gives me my life for free
And because he's a Hutt, why, we all kiss his butt
or the rancor will have us for tea.

He said "Bo Shuda, offom da Tukatti!"
as he stuffed a frog into his face
but we don't know a woid, 'cause he shot the talkdroid
So we'll smile and nod, just in case.

Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

Sy Snootles is our favorite vocalist
her face it ain't launching no ships.
Don't know why it behoove her to go kiss a Hoover
but that's how she got those weird lips.

A Gammorean guard is headbutting bricks
as another one gnaws on a bone
and I don't know which has less intelligence
either those two big thugs or the stone.

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.

Oh, la da da da de de dah
la da de de da dah dum..

It's a pretty good crowd, here at Jabba's place
it's a killing, that's why we're all here
we'll sail over the dune to the pit of Carkoon
and we'll toss someone in with a cheer.

'Cause we gotta new droid on the pedestal
and a man in black's come in the door
he just pointed a gun over Salacious Crumb
and then promptly sank through the floor.

Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..

Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
for the Jedi Skywalker is down below
and the rancor is gripping him tight

Repeat and Fade- then throw yourself in the Sarlacc Pit.

Contributed by: Jason Guyette

[Aphrodite]

Originally Posted by Damocles

Top Ten Signs You're a True Star Wars Fan

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words 'Star Trek Sissy Boys' at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous 'I don't feel like it' speech.

5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.

4. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

Ok..these numbers are true for me:
2, 3 (duh! I'm a huge Mark Hamill fan), 4 (just to complete the collection), and 10.

[Damocles]

Star Wars Songs Strike Back!

Y.O.D.A
Sung To the Village People's Y.M.C.A
Copyright Steven Cavanagh 1993

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on your plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).

[Damocles]

Star Wars Cantina
Sung to the tune of "Copacabana":


Her name was Leia
She was a princess
With a danish on each ear
And Darth Vader drawing near
So R2-D2 found Ben Kenobi
He'd have to put the Death Star plans
Into the rebels' hands
So Luke and Obi Wan
Had to go to Alderaan
They made a stop at port Mos Eisley
To have a drink with Han


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars.....


His name was Solo
He was a pilot
With a blaster at his side
And a smile 12 parsecs wide
There with Chewbacca
He was a Wookiee
They met with Luke and Obi Wan
About the Millennium Fal-con
Docking bay 94
Storm troopers at the door
With the flash of Ben's Lightsaber
There was an arm on the floor


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars.....


(Spoken by Obi Wan while Copa bridge is played)
"Mos Eisley space port, you will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."


His name was Yoda
He was a muppet
That old Darth Vader was so bad
And by the way he is Luke's dad
Luke kissed his sister
His hand got severed
In a galaxy far, far, away
Luke has had a lousy day
Bo-ba Fett was so mean
Jabba had bad hygiene
Why didn't they all just relax
Back on Ta-too-ine


At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena (here)
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters at the Star Wars......


(Spoken by Obi Wan)
"The force will be with you
Always."


Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
repeated 4 times

[Damocles]

Star Wars Christmas
[Source: Teresa's Jokers]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."