Clean joke of the day. - Page 11

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:24 PM

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the Movie

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: You're the reason I need glasses!

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:26 PM

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Cluck!

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?
A: An eggage.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:27 PM

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:29 PM

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Happy Easter!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He went bald. (*He lost his hair.)

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:30 PM

Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Too big.

Damocles · March 31st, 2009, 07:31 PM

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hassenpfeffer.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:41 AM

You Killed the Easter Bunny!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in Heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:43 AM

Sherlock Holmes and

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:45 AM

What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A bunny laughing its head off.

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?
Because their cable was scrambled.

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:47 AM

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A hare-net.

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour water down a rabbit hole?
A wet bunny.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:48 AM

What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
He cracked up.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
Hassenpfeffer.

How do chickens stay healthy?
They run away from the farmer.

What kind of plants do eggs keep?
Eggplants!

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:49 AM

What do you call an egg from outer space?
An "Egg-stra terrestial".

What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?
An Easter egg rolling down the hill.

What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-cellerated.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:50 AM

Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

Why did the egg go to school?
To get "Egg-ucated".

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Knock it off!!

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:52 AM

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
Worms.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
I wanted a diamond!

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:53 AM

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for 3 hours!

What search engine do eggs use on the Internet?
Egg-site!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:54 AM

What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
One with a hoppy ending.

How did the eggs leave the highway?
They went through the "Eggs-it".

Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
They hop to it.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 05:56 AM

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
Egghead!

What part did the egg play in the movies?
He was an "Egg-stra".

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 06:00 AM

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because the farmer asked him too.

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
Nah, but these days with Lasic and contacts, that don't mean anything!

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 06:01 AM

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
Times reversed Harer.

What do you call a sleeping egg?
Egg-zosted!

What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
Tired.

Damocles · April 1st, 2009, 06:02 AM

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn't have the hare fare.

How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
One. After that the basket won't be empty.

Molly Mole: What's the difference between the Easter rabbit and a mattababy?
Barney: What's a mattababy?
Molly Mole: Nothing. What's the matter with you?

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:07 PM

B U G S B U N N Y ' S C O M P L A I N T .

BY PETER G. VAETH

- - - -

Bugs Bunny was complaining to us about his eyesight. "Remember that episode," he said, "where the doctor asked me to read the eye chart and I read the fine print at the bottom of the page? That wasn't acting — that was real."

He blamed his freakish vision on all the carrots he'd eaten over his career. Hundreds of short films, endless re-takes with Daffy, walk-on cameos, photo shoots for t-shirts and coffee mugs, modeling for stuffed animals and amusement park costumes — all done while sawing away at carrot after carrot with his two buck teeth, orange shards flying furiously into the air.

The carrot was part of who he was. The carrot was who he was, Bugs was saying to us, in that distinctive Leporidaen accent of his. His image, his character, his art, his entire representation of self made manifest in a phallic vegetable. It was both his security blanket and magic sword, an Excalibur that lent perfect timing to the signature line that made him an icon. And here, just to make his point, Bugs said, "What's up, doc?" Without the usual pregnant pause as he chomped on a carrot and the snotty insouciance of talking while chewing his food, the line sounded like just another empty catchphrase.

Sans carrot, Bugs wasn't clever, he was just another rabbit with ADHD.

So the whole carrot thing took on a life all its own, Bugs was saying. I was thinking: addiction perpetuated by psychologiocal dilemmas. His life was his work, and his work was his life, his work was carrots and carrots were his life. And if he had an especially long day at the drawing board? If he had to shoot those emotionally complex persecution scenes with Elmer? He'd chew through two or three bunches a day, easy, Bugs was saying. But only because it was expected of him.

And what had it all been for? Sure, he was rich and famous beyond his wildest fantasies, lived and vacationed in all the finest holes, got all the girl rabbits, etc. But at what price? "Carrots are good for your eyes, kids, it's true. But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing," Bugs said, but he seemed to have lost sense of his audience and was clearly wiggin'. "Alas, mine eyes have grown mutated from carotene. And they now bug out as if I've been thwacked in the back of the head with an Acme baseball bat"

Here Bugs digressed into a mumbling tangent I could barely make out, something about Chuck Jones and the WB boys knowing all along about the long-term effects of carotene abuse, that they named him Bugs as a sick, prescient joke...

Suddenly Bugs recovered and regained the momentum of his oration, as if he'd remembered what he really wanted to say:

"Ah, but the greatest horror — my undying curse! — Carotene has burdened me with ultimate sight! I can see all! Superman would turn evil and rob banks to pay for the Lasix surgery necessary to acquire even one-tenth of my ophthalmic powers! Through layers of the Earth's soil, the walls of my very home, through the thickest synthetics and most elemental metals — I see! — through stone as well as flesh!

"Oh, flimsy flesh that dissolves before my super-eyes! My days now are filled with nightmares, horrific visions of sinew and tendon, mucus and marrow.

"Oh, the ugliness of people!"

Bugs Bunny was saying all of this, standing in profile, a neatly worn white glove cupped to the side of his face, hiding it from us. And us from him.

That's all folks.

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:10 PM

An adorable little girl walked into a pet shop and asked...

"Excuse me; do you have any rabbits here?”

"We do" the sales representative answered...

By leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged and said "I don't think my python really cares".

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:12 PM

What did the bunnies say when the farmer caught them kissing in the garden?
Lettuce alone!

What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A 14-carrot ring!

Do bunnies use combs?
No, they use hare brushes!

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:13 PM

Why did the little girl wash her bunny?
Because her hare was dirty!

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
They wanted a raise in celery!

Where do Easter bunnies go to dance?
To the Basket ball!

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:16 PM

How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another?
They take a taxi cabbage!

What do you call a bunny with oodles of money?
A billion-hare!

What game do little bunnies like to play?
Hopscotch!

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:20 PM

Why did the bunny get so mad?
She was having a bad hare day!

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Answer: With a hare net.

What's the best way to catch a tame rabbit?
Answer: The tame way, with a hare net.

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:20 PM

How are rabbits like New Jersey loan sharks?
Answer: They can multiply and the amount piles up real fast.

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Answer: Look for fast ones.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
Answer: Lunch.

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:22 PM

What is a rabbit's favorite dance?
Answer: The bunny hop

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
Answer: Lunch.

What kind of horror books do rabbits read?
Answer: The ones with harey endings!

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:23 PM

What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Answer: Snake food.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Answer: Did you ever see a Elmer Fudd eating carrots?

Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Damocles · April 2nd, 2009, 02:24 PM

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"