Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

Q - How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?
A - If the strings are vibrating.

Q - Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?
A - Each is offensive and inaccurate.

Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog ?
A - The dog knows when to stop Howling.

Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A - The Electric Guitar burns longer.

If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.

Q - If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?
A - Who cares ? or
A. If you ask the drummer, he's just barely smart enough to know that the watertmelon will hit first because it jas less wind resistance. The guitarist? Forget it, man!

[Damocles]

Q - What is the first sign your Hallucinating?
A - Two electric guitar players are playing in tune.

Q - What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?
A - An oxymoron.

Q - What do you call a "Clean Shot"?
A - When you can throw an electric guitar into the toilet without hitting the seat.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A - The certificate of deposit will eventually mature and make money.

[Damocles]

Q - How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
A - He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.

Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
A - Three, One to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.


Q - What's the difference between a Stratocaster and a Les Paul?
A - A Stratocaster burns hotter; a Les Paul burns longer.

Q - What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
A - 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!

[Damocles]

Q - How can you tell if you're talking to a good guitarist?
A - He doesn't claim to be an artist.

Q - How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

Q - How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar ?
A - Sit in back and don't play it.

[Damocles]

An Irish joke to break the monotony.

Q - Did you hear about the Irish Jazz Guitarist?
A - He was in it for the money!

[Damocles]

* A guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd "like a scotch before he goes home". The player says "sure" and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says "great gig man, you're one hot picker".

The player looks at the barman and says "thanks' and the barman says "what for" and the player says "for sayin' nice things about my work". the barman says " I didn't say nothing".

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says "yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there". The guitar player turns around and says "thanks" but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says "are you ok?" cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says "yeah, I think so".

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says "hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you" and the bloke says "OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" The barman runs down and says "what's your problem dude?" to which the guitarist says "WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?"

"What voices? What are they saying?" when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says "oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!"

[Damocles]

Why Guitars are better than Men:

*

Guitars don't snore.
*

Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
*

Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
*

Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
*

You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
*

Guitars don't have to prove anything.
*

Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
*

Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
*

Guitars don't have egos.
*

Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
*

[Damocles]

A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.""You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.

"No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Electric Guitar Player."

[Damocles]

* A fingerstyle guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie. "Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the fingerstyle guitarist. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you three wishes". "But I must caution you" alerts the genie. "And what's that?" asks the fingerstyle guitarist.

"Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist fingerstyle guitarist in the world will receive double" explains the genie. "Not a problem" says the fingerstyle guitarist. "Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master" "$Ten million in small bills" says the fingerstyle guitarist unhesitatingly. "Good choice, Master" and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every fingerstyle guitarist in the world now has twenty million in their account.

"And your next wish, Master?" "A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar." and presto: right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen! And of course every fingerstyle guitarist now has two of these guitar's in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.

"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?" The fingerstyle guitarist thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney"

[Damocles]

Two guys are on a raft paddling down the Amazon. All of a sudden tribal drums start up. BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da-BOOM-da-da. The first guy starts to panic and says "Oh felgercarb, we're in for it now... they're going to kill us... we'll never get out of here alive". The second guy turns to him and says "Oh, you don't need to worry, they won't kill us whilst the drumming is going on... it's when they stop you have to start worrying". By this point the first guy is really sweating. He's looking really worried, and in a high, strangulated voice says "Oh Crap, what happens then?" and the second guy says "Guitar solo".

[Damocles]

It's the hour before Pentecostal church, and the pastor comes up to the guitar player and says "I'm glad to see you include Biblical precepts in your guitar playing." The guitarist asks, "Do you mean 'make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye peoples?'" "No", says the pastor. "'Don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.'"

[Damocles]

* Three guitar players: Harry, Larry and Moe are on their way to a gig. While on their way, they are all three killed in an auto accident. Being good boys they all go to heaven, where they are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says: "Welcome boys glad you made it, but I want you to know that there are rules here in heaven. The main one is Don't Step On A Duck, because if you do you will be punished because they make such a noise."

Harry was trying to avoid all of the ducks, which were everywhere, but before five minutes passed, sure enough he stepped on a duck. What a noise! St. Peter comes with a truly ugly woman. "You stepped on a duck, you will be chained with this ugly woman forever as punishment."

Larry lasted a little longer, but he, too, stepped on a duck. St. Peter came with even a more ugly woman, they were chained forever. Moe he was very careful and missed all of the ducks. St. Peter came with the most beautiful woman you ever saw and said: "you two will be chained forever and ever." After St. Peter left Moe said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this good luck." The beautiful woman said: "I don't know what you did either, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Damocles]

One ;ast guitarist jokeL

What is the difference between a guitarist and a rock?
The rock passed its I. Q. test.

[Damocles]

Well one more for the bass guitarist:

Q - What's the difference between a bass guitar and a rhino that's just eaten a lot of baked beans?
A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is the rhino.

[Damocles]

Accordion Jokes.

Q - If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A - Who cares?

Q - What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A - The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q - What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - What's a bassoon good for?
A - Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q - What's a accordion good for?
A - Learning how to fold a map.

Q - What do you call a group of female accordion players?
A - Ladies in Pain



* Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordion--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!



* Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles



* "Welcome to Heaven: Here's your harp."
* "Welcome to Hell: Here's your accordion."

[Damocles]

Bagpipe jokes:

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A - No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q - What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A - You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q - How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A - He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q - How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A - You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A - You can tune the lawn mower.

[Damocles]

Q - If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A - The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A - Add oil.

Q - What's the definition of a gentleman?
A - A guy who can play the bagpipe, but doesn't.

Q - What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A - Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q - What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A - The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

[Damocles]

Q - What's the range of a bagpipe?
A - Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q - Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A - They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q - How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A - Someone is blowing into it.

Q - What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.

Q - Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A - To get away from the mob.

Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a tin cup.

[Damocles]

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too late
-- someone had already put another set of bagpipes and a drummer in the car!

ENOUGH with the drummer jokes!

[Damocles]

* David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says, "how did things go for you back on earth?" David says, "not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another $100,000 from the insurance". "Great," says St Peter, "what was it you did while you were alive?" "Oh I was in Real estate", "Good oh, come on in" says St Peter.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. "yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things", "Good oh , come on in".

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. "yes well I left my fourth wife, my guitar and amp’s at the pawn shop, cars stuffed with drimmers, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been". "Oh well", says St P. "and which band was it that you played with?"

[Damocles]

In the Heavy Metal Band of the future there will be two animals, a Heavy Metal "Musician" and a dog. The "Musician" will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to bite the "Musician" if he tries to play anything.

[Damocles]

* Saint Peter is checking Id’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

[Damocles]

St. Peter's still checking Id’s. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

[Damocles]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Now, go get something to eat!"

[Damocles]

What's the Easter bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hippity Hoppity.

[bsg1fan1975]

lol

[Damocles]

More Easter Jokes.

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: Easter cluck.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

[Damocles]

Q: What do you get when you find a Mexican Easter rabbit with no hair?
A: A Mexican hairless hare!

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

[Damocles]

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips (Two Lips).

[Damocles]

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the farmer's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: Wordy.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Like this comedy routine.