Ronald D. Moore To Do Citazen Kane Remake!
In an unprecedented announcement, RKO Pictures has announced that Battlestar Galactica re-imagining writer Ronald D. Moore has been chosen to re-imagine the American classic CITAZEN KANE.
We were given the privilege of sitting with the boy genius writer as to what plans he has in store for his remake of Citizen Kane.
Q: Ronald, may I call you Ronald?
RDM: Sure. You can also call me a cab! That’s a joke by the way. Like it?
Q: Can we just stick with the topic at hand?
RDM: Sure.
Q: The question most people are asking is just HOW and WHY you were the job of re-imagining what is considered the greatest film ever made.
RDM: RKO pictures called and asked. It was that simple. They heard about my work on the new Battlestar Galactica and thought I was the right man for the job.
Q: So what plans are in store for your version of Citizen Kane?
RDM: For starters I’m changing the main character from a man to a woman.
Q: Isn’t that old hat? Didn’t you do that with Starbuck’s character on Galactica?
RDM: Yes but every writer has a style. Mine is switching genders whenever it suits the story. From now on. Charles Foster Kane will be known as Charlene Foster Kane.
Q: And how does that make the new version better?
RDM: It’s just makes for a more interesting character angle. Charlene Foster Kane is a go-go girl trying to make it in the newspaper business which is a man’s world. She feels she’s lost herself and her childhood. Who wants to see someone as fat as Orson Welles bitch and moan? If you want to bitch and moan at least have a pair of tits so it’ll give me something to do while I watch.
Q: Are you on crack?
RDM: You’d be amazed how often I get that question. For the record I’m not on crack or any other type of drug.
Q: Is it true you actually pitched a musical version of Shindler’s List to Steven Spielberg?
RDM: yes, that’s true. I sat and watched Shindler’s List for the first time last week and it was just depressing. All those people being killed and there wasn’t ONE funny scene in the entire movie. I told Mister Spielberg I could “jazz it up” and make something more interesting with it.
Q: Let me guess, you wanted to turn Oskar Shindler into a woman?
RDM: No, but that’s a great idea. It would make for a more interesting character angle.
Q: Have you no shame?
RDM: Shame? What’s that?
Q: Right. Mister Moore, do you feel you’ve been treated unfairly by the majority of fans within the sci-fi community?
RDM: No, for the most part those ****ing assholes are pretty nice people.
Q: If you’re asked, will you return to Galactica should it go to series?
RDM: Yes. I want to create a show that’s more realistic not like classic Galactica. I plan to have someone sing the lyrics to Battlestar Galactica.
Q: Are you serious?
RDM: Yes, I used the original theme from the 70’s show. Here’s a sample:
GALACTICA! GA-LAAAAC-TI-CA!
GALACTICA! GA-LAAAAC-TI-CA!
OH, THERE’S ADAMDA AND HE’S IN CHARGE
HE’S COOL GUY AND HE’S VERY LARGE
VIPERS, CYLONS THERE SO COOL
APPOLLO AND STARBUCK SWIMMIN’ IN A POOL
THERE LOOKING FOR A PLANET THAT’S CALLED EARTH
WILL THEY FIND IT? OH, BABY BABY DOO WOP!
Q: Dear God.
RDM: I know it needs a little work but I think I can really make it a theme the Battlestar fans will really enjoy.
Q: You have to be stopped!
RDM: Hey, I'm a member of the Writer’s Guild of America. We’re harder to kill than an atomic cockroach.
Q: Why? Why must you believe that sci-fi needs to be made so realistic? Sci-fi is an extension of reality with drama used as its guiding force to create either dramatic or exciting story.
RDM: Huh???
Q: Will you EVER stop writing?
RDM: If guys like Michael Bay can continue to direct felgercarb like BAD BOYS 2 why can’t guys like me continue to write felgercarb like Galactica??
Q: Do you write for enjoyment? I get the feeling you’re in it for the buck.
RDM: KA-CHING! If you saw how many zeros were on my paycheck you wouldn’t ask that question.
Q: No offense but I hope you rot in the fiery pits of writer’s hell.
RDM: My mom said that to me on my 10th birthday so get in line.
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