Clean joke of the day.

[Damocles]

# Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to
a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.

# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

[Damocles]

# While spitting, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And cries before the pain.

[Damocles]

# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

# Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

[Damocles]

# For some, the left eyeball is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each eyeball is larger than the other one.

# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

# When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris invented light. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

# When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

[Damocles]

# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky criminal to be thrown into the sun.

# Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

[Damocles]

# In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the Humanity.

# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

[Damocles]

# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

[Damocles]

# If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his keyster kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

[Damocles]

# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you in it.

# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

[Damocles]

# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Venezuela.

# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him burp and then Cleveland died.

# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

[Damocles]

# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

# It takes fourteen comics to make Chuck Norris smile, but only two mimes to make him destroy an orphanage.

[Damocles]

#Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

#Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

#Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

[Damocles]

# Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

# Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

# Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

# Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

# When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

# When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

# Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

[Damocles]

# The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

# Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

# Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

[Damocles]

# A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

# If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

# Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

# When Chuck Norris shows you the peace sign, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his tongue, because hair does not grow on steel.

# Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

# Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

[Damocles]

# Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for life… unless it gets in his way.

# It takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to reach New York from LA, when he dawdles.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

[Damocles]

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

# With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

# The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to cube Chuck Norris, the result is death.

[Damocles]

# When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

# Chuck Norris' facial hair is known to cut diamonds.

# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

[Damocles]

# Chuck Norris doesn't sink putts, he just frightens the hole into jumping into the way of the golfball.

# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

[Damocles]

# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

[Damocles]

# If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

# Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom. Then Chuck Norris came, and it wasnt so magical.

# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.